For about a year, I was blessed with having a very special person in my life. He was a very great man, a Rabbi, and not until after his death did I come to realize the enormous amount of wealth he had bestowed upon me. He was my doctor, my teacher, my friend and my confidant. Time after time, I was a recipient of his gifts. I always appreciated them and thanked him. He gave me a life in which I never knew I had. He gave me strength, which never empowered me before. He planted the seedlings of an open heart. And the most precious of all, he laid the bricks that led me to an incredible amount of faith in Hashem. By doing so, I am able for the first time to truly see all the "small miracles" that occur in everyday life. I see the world as I should see it, as something beautiful and wonderful.

Although I felt these gifts were from him, I now realize that all of this was inside me. They just needed to be drawn out. Towards the end of our relationship, he had come to me for advice. He needed help on how to reach another troubled person and had confided in me. Wow! I couldn't believe it at first. A Rabbi was asking me for help? What an honor I had thought. I listened very carefully to what he was telling me. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't fail him. I had my answer and I knew exactly what I needed to tell him, yet because it was such a great honor, I decided not to jump in right away. That is how I usually do things. I dive in headfirst. I then told him what I thought and how I felt he should go about helping this person out. Now that I think of it, I bet he knew all along how to help this person. He was helping me see that I no longer needed him. He didn't need my advice. He was giving me one last gift. He was setting me free. He was preparing me for what was to come.

One night, I woke up crying without control. I had had a dream in, which was so powerful and so real that I knew I had to share it with him. For three weeks I tried to get a hold of him. I even asked the one person who could really get in touch with him to tell him to call me right away. Then one morning, a day after my birthday, I received a phone call. It went something like this "Hi, it's me. Listen I have to tell you something. I know you are probably going to be mad at me but I decided it was best that I keep it from you until after your birthday. I didn't want to ruin your day." My friend sounded so serious I never uttered a word. She went on to say "You know the Rabbi you speak to all the time? Well he died. I am not exactly sure when, but I think he just suddenly had a heart attack and died." Well you know what? A part of me was lost that day. The crying that came out of me seemed as if it never was going to end. I was not in the least angry with my friend because she did what she felt was best for me. I probably would have done the same.

Oh have I forgotten to mention I never knew what he looked like, nor did I know his name? It didn't seem to matter at the time. I knew who he was. I knew all I needed to know about him. I never asked. Until after his death. All of a sudden I had no connection. Not a face, not a name nothing that I could hold on too. I begged my friend, the one who originally put me in contact with him to tell me his name. He refused. I again stated my case. I told him that I wanted to do a zechut in his memory. I told him "if I don't know his name how is my zechut going to go to his neshemah? The need to repay the Rabbi was so great. I didn't think I could ever do enough to thank him for all he had done for me. I asked him to speak to another Rabbi to see what I can do. My friend gave me the Rabbi's answer and offered me some solace. It still wasn't enough. I understood where my friend was coming from 100% and not for one minute did I fault him for keeping his oath. But I still needed something more. Spiritually, I knew that the Rabbi must have finished his task here on earth. That he had succeeded in his mission and was with Hashem. I know that Hashem takes into account down to the last detail how everyone will be affected before taking a life. There was never any doubt. However, the human side of me just couldn't cope with this. I still needed more.

The phone rang this morning and I here "Hi, how are you? New maid?" I replied "Boy, your ears must have been ringing". I proceeded in telling this new friend of mine who I also have begun learning with the continuing saga of this story. And once again I was given another gift. Something in her words finally gave me the ability to realize that every time I do something for someone else that I am thanking him and his neshemah will be greatly rewarded. Not only that, but she made me realize that I was already giving back without knowing it. I had taken everything that he had taught me and I was passing it on. I can now say without reservation, that I can give up my search for knowing who this man was. I know who he was and neither a name nor a face could make greater the man who befriended me.

So that is how I got here. Now I will tell you where I came from I was a sexually abused child. From ages 7-10 I was at the mercy of a sick man. When I finally was able to tell someone at age 17, it was met with much horror and surprise. The reaction that I got from the person I told was so horrifying to me that I had no choice but to put it away and return to the closed off world that I had built around me. I eventually got married to a wonderful man. I thank Hashem everyday not only for him, but also for letting me be okay enough to even get married and later on to have 4 beautiful children. Everything was going along fine; we were just coasting through life. And then it hit. Bang! Out of nowhere. One event lead to another and I had my first major break down. All I wanted to do was die. Not in the sense of killing myself, but I wanted to die nonetheless. My husband had no idea what hit. He knew we were having a few marital problems but this was worse than any nightmare. My body completely shut down. I hadn't eaten in four days and yet I still had my four babies to take care of. You see I am one of the lucky ones, no matter how dark things got, I always had a thread that kept me going. Taking the advice from his brothers, in whom I can never thank enough, we went to get counseling, still thinking that we had a marriage problem. We went for a few months and with summer coming and going to Deal, we were in better spirits and we stopped. Things were looking up.

Summer had passed without any major conflicts and so did the holidays. But come November of last year I started feeling depressed. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't exactly sure what it was. A month passed by and I was getting a feeling that something was going to happen. I had felt that feeling not too long ago and I was NOT going to let that happen to me again. I would NOT lose control ever again. On my own I sought out advice from a professional friend and asked, " who would be a wise choice to go to for counseling?" I was again very lucky. I had made the right choice. Why didn't I just go back to whom I was seeing before? Well you see I never trusted that psychologist. Until I started going to this woman, I had no idea that most of my problem lied with my past. My husband and I really didn't have marital problems. Well at least not in the way we had suspected and had been treated for. Something had triggered all my emotions and unburied my past and brought them all to the surface.

I have been in therapy regularly for about 11 months and I have made great progress. Yet, no matter how many times I heard it was not my fault or that I am a good person I still didn't believe it. Something was still missing. I was still alone.

My husband and I are married now 13 years. And once again Hashem granted me one very large miracle in the form of a beautiful 13yr old child. She too had experienced a similar incident and would not talk to anyone about it. Through a series of "smaller miracles", we got together one night just to talk. I guess to feel each other out. From the moment she walked in the door I knew I had to make sure that what happened to me didn't happen to her. I knew that I would have to find a way to convince her to see a professional person and work it out before she too was married 13yrs and had children. What I didn't realize until the next morning is that this child gave to me more than I could ever give to her. For the first time in my life I woke up feeling peaceful. I had found the peace that I had been looking for. I was no longer alone and neither is she.

The anonymity that the Rabbi allowed me was the most crucial part of my healing process. If I could pass on what he gave to me to another person than I will be carrying on for him. There are many of us who are hiding in fear, in shame, in embarrassment from past things that have happened to us. I am not a psychologist nor anywhere near a professional person. I am a wife, a mother and a Survivor. I am a friend who will listen to you when you cry and understand you when no other can. I have been in your shoes. No one can understand the scope of what happens to a person who has been sexually abused unless it has happened to him or her. You can sympathize with us but you cannot empathize.

I wish to remain anonymous not because I am ashamed of what happened to me but as not to embarrass the one who may wish to talk to me who otherwise could not if they knew who I was. If you are out there, you are not alone. And if you need to talk to someone you can via email. I have set up an anonymous email address. I would be more than happy to befriend you. My address is IAMNOTALONE@HOTMAIL.COM Perhaps if you hear it enough you will start to believe it. If you do not have a computer you can leave a number with the SEPHARDIC BIKUR HOLIM. No name is necessary. They will have my email on file and can contact me. Or we can set up a meeting. In the safety of SBH. Now I understand why the Rabbi made it so difficult for me to find out who he was. And a wise man was he.

Sincerely,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

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