Allie stumbled in the chill of the damp evening air. She had
no idea how she
had got here, or where 'here' even was. Glancing around her, she saw
shadows
moving towards her through the mist. Gathering up her strength, she
bellowed
hoping to instill fear, "How the heck did I end up here? And where
the
blazes am I?" She heard soft chuckling and one voice murmured, "Chill
out...
you're having a hot flash ... there are many, many more where that
came
from. Congratulations! You're in menopause!
"No!" her voice echoed through the damp foggy night air. "I still
have
fertile eggs. I'm still young! Oh, golly, please don't let me get old
and
shrivelled." Allie felt her knees buckling under her and wisely slid
to the
soft ground. Her heart was pounding rapidly and she feared cardiac
arrest 
The figures started to draw closer to Allie. "Get away from me,"
she
hollered irritably. Then without warning, she started laughing hysterically
while simultaneously bursting into tears. Allie sobbed, "Why can't
I sleep
through till morning just one night?!!!!?!?!" By now, the shadowy figures
had surrounded Allie and gathered her into their collective gauzey arms,
which was rather fortunate for Allie since she had unexpectedly started
flowing again rather heavily. She felt a strange sensation come over
her in the arms of such caring spirits. Could it be..... ? No, she brushed aside the very thought.
Allie hadn't felt sexual since late last fall and even then had been surprised
at how dry she had remained. Allie felt a crushing fatigue overcome her
as she faded deeper into the gauzed arms of fate, Hope and charity.
When she awoke, Allie was surprised to find herself in her own
bed... she
felt anxious, as though something dreadful was going to happen to her.
She
could not explain the dread, apprehension and doom which confused her.
She
looked around the room and knew that it should feel familiar but all
she felt was disoriented and mentally confused. "I'll call the doctor in
the morning," she vowed to herself. She looked at the clock... 2 am...
again... She knew she was going to look like hell in the morning when she
called for an appointment with.... Allie could feel the laughter starting
deep down..."Who the blazes was I going to call?" The irony of her missing
memory shot past her as she laughed the laugh of the exhausted and wet
the bed, again.
Dragging herself to the hallway linen closet, Allie was unaware
that she was
scratching herself anywhere and everywhere her fingers could reach.
When the
ants inside her skin all woke up at the same time, Allie screamed at
the top
of her lungs...."Leave me alone....." and ran to the kitchen for the
corn starch and wet rags. Nothing was helping this night. Allie reached
for her Sominex and crawled back into the wet bed. As she drifted back
to sleep, she remembered when wet spots on the bed had been for other reasons.
The next morning, the alarm found Allie wanting to be back in
last night's
dream. Anything was better than lying here deciding if she should call
in sick to work - for the fourth time this month. She rolled over and tried
tosit up. Her body felt as though a steamroller had quietly ground her
during the night. Her muscles and joints screamed at the movement. Allie
could feel the relaxation from what little sleep she had managed quickly
being replaced by tension.
Stumbling into the shower, she was aware that her breasts were
tender this
morning, almost too tender. Would anyone notice if she didn't wear
a bra, she wondered? She was going to suffer today, she just knew it. Allie
quickly dried herself off and got dressed for work. Once again she was
going to be late, and once again she looked like shit. Her co-workers were
going to think she partied till all hours. She grabbed her 70 ounce commuter
mug of coffee and headed for the car.
By the time she got to work, the coffee had lessened the headache.
She was
starting to look and feel a little more human. The Big Boss met her
in the
hallway and invited her to sit in on a planning meeting. This was Allie's
Big Moment® she had been waiting for since she had joined the company
so
long ago. She grabbed her notes and another cup of coffee and walked
into
the conference room. All eyes turned to look at her. She walked to
her
assigned chair and sat down to the largest fart anyone had ever heard.
PHFThbbbbbbttttttttttttttttt.....bbbttttt......btbtbtbtbtbtbtttttt.....bt...t..t.t....
Allie knew there was no recovering from this. There would be no promotion
today or tomorrow... She stood back up, excused herself and continued
to
pass flatulence with each step as she walked out regally of the room,
her
head held high. She thought her tummy was going to burst the button
on her
pants, she felt so bloated. She returned to her office and packed
her belongings. She was going home (after a quick stop for ice cream, potato
chips, diet soda and chocolate), locking the doors and wallowing in her
depression.
By that evening, Allie had lost most of her hair, replaced by
the strange
beard she had grown in the late afternoon. She felt a bit light-headed
when
she looked in the mirror but put that down to her new strange body
odor. She
felt as though her finger were in a low voltage electrical outlet and
could
feel the tingling in all her extremities. She thought of brushing her
teeth
but the bleeding gums hadn't stopped since flossing during As The
Stomach
Turns. She worried about the new burning sensation on her tongue.
Allie was tired... she felt as though she couldn't stand upright
and was
surprised to find that she couldn't reach the same top shelf she had
reached
that same morning. Allie was so very very tired. Shuffling off to bed
she
wondered what lay before her. Sleep did not come easy, she tossed and
turned and moaned and groaned.Finally she drifted off into a troubled sleep
only to awaken suddenly.
Allie stumbled in the chill of the evening air. She had no idea
how she had
got here, or where the hell 'here' even was. Glancing around her, she
saw
shadows moving towards her through the mist. Gathering up her strength,
she
bellowed hoping to instill fear, "How the heck did I end up here? And
where
the blazes am I?
"
She heard soft chuckling and one voice murmured,
"Chill
out... you're having a hot flash ... there are many, many more
to come..
