Insults or Insights?
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn
Illusion/Delusion
My house isn't dirty; the cobwebs are gone
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn
I think I might never put my glasses back on
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, some hard body in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words... "Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
