What to Do at Times of Loss

by Diana Fisher

This list of , what to do at times of loss, was written to help you understand what people experiencing loss are likely to feel.  I hope it will aid friends and relatives in helping them during this period.  For those of us who are experiencing a loss it will help us to see that what we are feeling is not unusual and felt by many others during the grieving process.  I want to thank all the people experiencing this loss for helping me to comply this list.   Diana Fisher  1995

What Loss Feels Like:

 Along with the obvious feelings of pain, depression and sadness, there are other reactions to loss, such as - feeling helpless, fearful, empty, despairing, pessimistic, irritable, angry, guilty, restless - experiencing a loss of concentration, hope, motivation, energy - changes in appetite, sleep patterns or sexual drive - a tendency to be more fatigued, error-prone and slower in speech and movement.
Any or all of these are to be expected during and after loss.  It's part of the body's natural healing process.  Allow the grieving person to be with these changes, encourage them to not fight them.It's OK.

What Should I Say/Do?

Do realize that  a grieving person's judgment and concentration will be off  AT LEAST for the first year -don't  take over for them but encourage them to make no major decisions during that time.

Do allow the grieving person to cry - don't be afraid to offer comfort for fear you will make this person cry -tears are healing.

Do realize that the grieving process is not the smooth progression many people assume. It's more like a lightning bolt, full of ups and  downs, progressions and regressions, dramatic leaps and depressing backslides.

Do realize there are several stages of grieving: shock/denial/numbness -  fear/anger/depression - guilt/ questioning - understanding/acceptance/moving on.  Not necessarily in any order and they can come and go.

Do understand the person will be absentminded, forgetful and clumsy.  If this person was a great organizer and arranged everything,  they may not be up to that now - takeover for them for awhile.

Do encourage the person to get out of the house.  Call and ask them to go out for lunch or dessert and coffee.

Do encourage them to talk about the person who died.  You can do this by saying something like "I remember when(name) did or said such and such.  Not talking about the absent person does not keep them from thinking about them - they can't be distracted and probably want to talk about it.

Do be there for the person, a week later, a month later, 4 months later.  Be the friend you profess to be, all the time.

Do offer to help, don't ask how you can help, just DO something.  If you bake, take a few cookies or a chunk of coffee cake over - and not just the week of the funeral, but whenever you happen to have a little extra.  If this person is responsible for the car for the first time, check her oil, walk her through normal maintenance, tell her about a reputable mechanic or better yet give her an index card with the numbers of reliable service people in your community - plumbers, carpenters, electrician, etc.

Do say I'm so sorry for your loss - DON'T SAY: they are no longer suffering - it's better this way;  I know just how you feel;  (no one knows how anyone else feels); God wanted  him to be with him (so do we); God only takes the good ones ( where does that leave me);  You're strong - you'll make it (like we have any choice). You're young,you'll find someone else, or have another child or etc.  (You can't replace the person you lost - yes, you can love again but you don't feel like that in the beginning and don't want to hear it.)

Do understand  that this is not something you should  get over in a certain period of time.  Don't put a timetable on grief - everyone heals at their own pace - real healing generally doesn't come for at least 2 1/2 years to 6 years.

Do ask how a person is feeling and if they respond with fine - say, "Are you  REALLY fine?"  Most of us say fine cause we know that's what you want to hear but please make the effort to really find out how we're doing ( ask  are we sleeping, eating and how are we dealing with each day ) , we need to tell you.

  Do expect to see some irritability - its normal to feel anger towards the person who left us,  God, the fates,  the doctors, the stopped up sink! etc. - this is part of healing - please don't tell us we're being unreasonable - just allow us our anger and listen with love to our ranting and raving.

Do offer to help with packing up personal things - sometimes it’s easier if we're not alone to deal with all the memories we're packing away.

Do follow through if you say you're going to do something for us or invite us over.  At this point in our lives we feel there is little we can count on - let us at least be able to count on you.

Do get some information on grief groups and just drop if off with us - saying " Just thought you might be interested in this when you're ready."

Do drop a Thinking of You card in the mail if you know that person is dealing with an anniversary of a birthday, death or wedding anniversary.  We are feeling so alone and vulnerable - we need to know you are out there and thinking of us.

Do understand that the loss of an unborn baby is devastating - do acknowledge this loss.  This couple has lost their child and all dreams and plans for its future.

Do give us a hug - touching is always healing.

Do be sensitive to the fact that people grieve differently. Some cry openly, while others cry behind closed doors. Some may not speak of the person they lost but you'll notice them wearing the deceased shirt, watch, etc., this allows them to feel close to this person.

Do suggest going for a walk, or playing some sport . Depression can be lightened a little by the biochemical changes brought on by exercise and encourage better sleep.

Do understand our whole like has been changed by this death - we are not only grieving the loss of our  loved one but also the loss of our role in life. (Mother, wife, husband, Father, daughter, son, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather,

Do allow us to talk about our guilt....  even though you may feel we have nothing to feel guilty about, most of us feel guilt about some aspect of our loved ones death.  We need to be able to talk about it to someone who will listen, care and not judge.  Talking about our guilt will help us let it go.

 Do allow other family members to see your pain and tears - there is comfort in knowing other people are also feeling the loss and this may give them permission to express their grief to you.  Comforting each other helps the healing process.

Don't be STRONG for each other.

Do understand that not everyone feels comforted by religion. We all have our own spiritual beliefs and now is not the time to push your religions beliefs on us.

Be prepared to be rejected.  Be prepared for illogical behavior.  Be forgiving.  Do not feel the person who is grieving is treating you badly despite your best efforts. They will remember you were there when things settle down.

Don't hold a grudge.  Try to always keep in mind that what they want the most; you nor anyone else can give, to have their loved one back. Everything else-sleep , food to manners is not important.