There was a time when I was quite religious in both the subjective
and objective sense: I went to Church every week; I prayed before
going to bed and before rising in the morning; I read my Bible
regularly; and, most importantly, I sincerely believed in a God Who
loved me unconditionally and through Whom anything and
everything was possible. When I prayed, I believed with all my
heart that He listened and cared. When troubles and bad news came,
I could face them with a positive dispostion because I believed that
God had a Divine Plan and that everything - good and bad - happens according to that Plan.
I don't remember exactly when things began to change. Like most processes of evolution, the change was slow and almost imperceptible. I suppose it all began when I started studying philosophy, a study which forced me to question everything that I once beheld as given, as true. I questioned the existence of God but could not release myself from the belief that He exists. After all these years, I still believe in the existence of God although I am not as religious as I once was. In Christian terms, I don't have much a relationship with God; if He were human, He is more of a stranger than a friend to me. And as I look back on these past few years, after I basically turned my back on religion, I see not only a change in my belief system but in my disposition as well. I no longer have that deep, peaceful happiness I once had...that peace that comes from knowing that everything is going to work out according to a Divine Plan. I feel that, in some ways, I lost a little bit of the inner strength that one has to face an uncertain future, that feeling of security that comes from believing that Someone - omnipotent and omniscent - is watching over you. I lost the security and contentment that comes from knowing that Someone loves you unconditionally. I believe that these are some of the reasons people need God, or some notion of a divine, supreme being. People need to have Someone to believe in, something that transcends them because having such belief often helps us cope with the harsh realities of life and gives us the security and peace of mind to face the unknown and uncertain future.
At one point in time, I thought that a belief in God was limiting, restrictive. Now, I realize that the opposite is true.
Hello folks! I've just returned from Massachusetts during which time I was able to hang out with my Robert. I had so much fun. I especially enjoyed snorkelling and just laying around on the beach with him. We also went to Six Flags New England where Bob and his friends were brave enough to ride the Superman ride a week before human error or mechanical malfunction caused 22 people to get hurt on the very same ride. I waited at the exit for them because I got chills just watching them go down that drop. Another thing I really enjoyed was taking a ride with Bob on his brother's motorcycle...that was exhilirating! I was also able to spend my 28th birthday with my favourite guy in the whole world...Needless to say, I really miss having him around and I can't wait to see him again! Love you, babe!
Okay, enough of the mushy stuff. In one week, I'll be starting Bar School here in Good Ol' T.O. I'm a bit excited about it but, at the same time, I'm worried about what I'm going to be doing afterwards, in terms of employment. I need a job and I don't know how to get one, especially within the highly-competitive and nepotismic (is there such a word?) world of law. I used to look forward to the future but now I fear it....It's odd how, as I get older, I become less confident in myself and more fearful of the future.
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