Friday, January 16, 2009, 0549 A.M.
I seem to have acquired more alters in the past few months. I don't know if they were really people or just parts of me or both, but one of them is Yeshua of Nazareth or Gallilee, and well, you know that song, "Jesus loves the little children?" Well, he really did, in the wrong way. He molested over 342 children and was chased away by the crowds and eventually crucified for his crimes. Given my history of abuse both Satanic and Christian, I must say that this is a funny image and a sad story for those children. I only wish he could suffer in the Hell he envisioned and that those children have found peace.
If this is the same Jesus from the Bible, it is no wonder we live in a sick society today. All of the ills of today could be laid at his feet.
More later,
Love
Kelly

Friday, January 9, 2009, 1745 P.M.
Weird things have happened to me internally. I've been talking a lot to people in my head, trying to fight the pressure, Monday, January 5, 2009, 1859 P.M.
Again, I'm still having trouble with certain people in my head. I've managed to get some peace for now and I hope it lasts. Kids are doing good. My oldest son is going to work and earning money, my daughter is doing well, too. My youngest son is starting work out on the treadmill as am I and things are starting to look up.
I'm starting to do better. I'm getting on the treadmill and cleaning the house and taking care of my body. So far so good for my body and the better I do, the better the kids and the house.
I'm still interested in fictional people, Harry Potter especially and I know I love him, not just for his hair. And I found out why certain things about Harry are so important. Besides his looks and the mythology surrounding his story. He's helped me so much in the past even up to the present, it's like he really cares. I hope so, I care a great deal about him.
I guess that it for now, talk to you later,
Love,
Kelly

Saturday, January 3, 2009, 0236 A.M.
Still having trouble with Rachel and other alters. I've built Domes for them or re-inforced the ones I already made but a few ghosts are still around giving me trouble. It's not that they argue with me so much as push on my neck and get me hunched over trying to protect myself. It gets pretty bad and I don't know how to fix it. One thing I've tried to do is to appease them. Give a little to them and maybe they'll give a little back to me. We'll see.
I think another reason I'm having trouble with alters is that I need to change my medication. The abilify is a little to high and I need to lower it and I also need to change the risperdal, up it a little. That might help.
I will say I really love a lot of the people in my head and have fun conversing with them, but I know it can be dangerous for me and sometimes upsets them and I hate upsetting them.
I was falling asleep last night to Native American music and one of the people in my head is Yeshua and I gave him the recipe for Squaw Bread or Fry Bread if you prefer. He seemed to like it.
I'm on a diet and exercise program. I started eating less last night and will exercise tomorrow or starting Monday. I'll log how many lbs. I lose and keep track of how much time I spend on the treadmill.
Interesting conversation going on, we're talking Pagan Gods and Goddesses, and people are learning and it's fun for everyone. But I had to show some of them Demotivational Posters and that was fun, for example,

That's it for now, gotta go to bed. Talk to you tomorrow
Love,
Kelly

Wednesday, December 31, 2008, 1023 A.M.
Having a rough time with a particular alter, or ghost if you prefer. Rachel is making it difficult so, I'll ignore her and go on. She'll get the hint eventually.
Have therapy today but because of the snow, it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I called my therapist and told her and we may end up doing a phone appointment, or she may come out here to see me.
Some of the things I wanted to talk to her about include:
My self care- and how I'm doing taking care of myself and the house and kids. Actually I'm not doing too bad. I'm showering every other day and brushing my teeth every day. I'm not doing so well with the kids. I yelled at my son yesterday and I had to apologize. Part of the problem was that I had angry alters and really bad sensations in my neck and I took it out on him.
I also want to talk about the Day Planner, I downloaded and am using to keep my schedule. It's really cool and has pictures to go with the calendar, scheduled tasks, date book, all kinds of stuff. I'm going to play with it to make sure I can work it right.
I also wanted to talk about Xmas vacation and my New Year's Resolution for 2009. My resolutions are to keep organized, not take it out on the kids if it gets rough, stay on top of my tasks and self-care, and to diet and exercise, starting small and building up. I want to get my body back in shape.
I also want to talk to my therapist about body memories and emotions tied up with them. The body memories are starting to get a little better if I work hard on staying on top of things. The emotions are hard and I need better coping skills to deal with them. Hopefully, my therapist can help me with that.
I also need to talk to her about the conversations in my head that I keep having with alters. They might be a little disturbing, also funny and interesting and downright, WEIRD!
And finally, I need to ask her about coping strategies for dissociation besides going on the computer. I think reading might help, or watching movies, but other things could help as well and I definitely want her input.
That's it for now. I know it's a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest.
Talk to you later,
Love,
Kelly

Tuesday, December 30, 2008, 1358 P.M.

We had a good visit with my daughter and her pet snake. I took her out to dinner on the way back home and I drove back on my own.
Only a few problems since Monday. I had to fight dangerous alters last night after I got home, and in the car I kept getting lost because of dissociation. It's hard and slightly dangerous and I shouldn't do it but I really don't know how to stop it.
Today my son and I are cleaning the house. It's on my Priorganizer and I'm forcing myself to get used to doing things on its task list.
I downloaded an MP3 Flash player to my index page. It looks good but I have to update the Playlist a bit. I like it and it was a b$#ch to install but I finally managed to do it.
I updated MySpace too, also with another MP3 Flash Player, this one by MySpace. Most of the songs are the same on both players. Nine Inch Nails, Closer, Sin, Ringfinger, The Hand That Feeds and Marilyn Manson, Beautiful People, Personal Jesus, Anti-Christ Superstar and King Kill 33. Some of my favorites though others may not agree with my taste.
I see Penelope tomorrow. I told her something last time that may have upset her and made her doubt my sanity. I don't know if I posted something about it here or not, but I told her I thought I could actually meet Harry Potter, and I wasn't talking about Daniel Radcliffe. At some point I need to make a page to devote to all the weird things that have happened to me since I became dissociated. And because of those things, I think something wonderful will happen to me and I'll meet some of my alters. I know it sounds beyond the realms of possibility but it's really not. Some of the things that have happened to me were too, but they happened. So, we'll see.
I guess that's it for now. I'll write again tomorrow after therapy or on New Year's Day. Have a good one.
Love,
Kelly

Monday, December 28, 2008 0505 A.M.
Happy late, belated Christmas!
We celebrated Christmas late because our daughter was coming in late, but it turned out alright. We put up the tree, opened presents the next day (My daughter got me baby bibs, 'cause she says I always make messes...I could have strangled her :-).
I downloaded a prioitizer for my laptap (this 'puter) and I'm using it to do up a schedule to help me with a routine. This should get me back on track as far as cleaning the house, fixing up my office and getting my life back together. There are probably other things I could do as well and I'll ask my therapist about it and make a note of other things too.
Today I have to take my daughter home, buy her dinner and groceries and say bye-bye for now to her pet snake (I absolutely love Diamond.
On the way home hopefully she'll help me look at snakes and see which one would be the best for me. I can't wait!
I'm working on the house today, and spending time working on stories and articles and poems I've got going online. I want to get published more and see what people think of my work. I'm not looking to get a book published, though that may be a goal for the future, but I still want to know what people think. So far, so good.
That's it for now, gotta get my son up for work and get busy on my self-care and the house.
TTYL,
Love,
Kelly

Thursday, December 25, 2008 0928 A.M.
Merry Christmas!!!

Merry X-mas everyone and if I don't journal before New Year's, have a Happy New Year's.
It's not been a very Merry X-Mas for me so far and I'll tell you why. First of all, on a mundane note, my daughter is not home for the holidays yet and we haven't gotten the tree up or the house cleaned and it's cheering us down.
On a more serious note, I'm still having trouble with body memories and now I'm having trouble with a Little Alter who is about 4 years old. It went something like this:
First, I wanted to spend time with Harry Potter in my head to make him and me happy. We would watch movies, eat, talk and make love until the sun came up. This was supposed to happen last night. Then when Harry got closer, my little 4 year old came out and got extremely angry and didn't want anything to do with Harry Potter. She wanted him gone! And she threw angry fits about it too.
I managed to get better and went to bed, but this morning she threw fits again when I called on Harry. I don't know what I'm going to do about her, she's a tough one to handle and I could really use a therapist right now.
On the plus side, I posted at the DID board and I'll post on Live Journal and hopefully gain a little bit of useful help there.
Now, back to X-Mas.
Here's my list:
1. A snake hehehehehe
2. A long, velvet, warm robe.
3. Monty Python bunny rabbit slippers, the kind with sharp pointy teeth.
4. clothes.
5. My office furnished and looking good and clean.
6. My house cleaned.
7. More sewing patterns and fabric and supplies to make Pagan dresses and things.
8. Movies, I don't know which ones.
9. A day at a spa, with a manicure and a pedicure, massage, you name it.
10. At least one day (hopefully the rest of my life) spent with Harry Potter, in real life (Not Daniel Radcliffe) doing what we both enjoy, which is being in love and making love and talking and doing things together.
That's about it, I might have more to put on my wish list later on for my birthday which is, by the way, March 20th.
Talk to you later, and I'm feeling much better.
Love,
Kelly

Monday (continued)
Okay I just went to a website I go to on DID. It's a message board and the people are very helpful. I had asked if there were a way to cope with body memories and one kind lady said to make them more concrete. That was one way to make them less intrusive. So hear goes. And this may take awhile.
Alright, the memories started about a month ago. I started tasting something like clay in my mouth and it made me sick and I didn't know why I tasted it. Then the teenage boy who had abused me when I was little came up and I think he's an alter and I both repulsed and fascinated by him. Something about hynotic induction came up in my head and I don't recall hearing about it before. Then I read in the book, "Amongst Ourselves," and online how some SRA'sers will make the child eat feces and do hypnosis to get them to do things in their rituals. And I freaked out. I almost cut myself, I, ummm...tried to bury my feelings and didn't do very well, generally. Then another body memory came up and this one felt like a hook had been placed in my vagina, like a fish hook or something. It hurt, and still does, very badly. And I'm really having trouble with this memory. And the Core Alter, (I'm the Host)Angel and his little, Little Angel came up to hide me today and deal with the feelings, and right now we're a little integrated, though Harry was angry when they tried to hide me, but it's better now.
Several things I don't understand. First, why am I fascinated by that teenage boy and in love Harry. It almost seems like Harry's a good version of that boy, or what I want in a man and he just happens to be a wizard and look like him.
Second, why are they coming up now, these body memories? Am I getting closer to the truth of what happened to me when I was little? If so, it's hurting but hopefully it'll get better.
Finally, I have a firm belief that if you heal the Host and the Core, you heal everybody in between. I want that to happen but it's going to take a long time. I just wonder how long.
That's it for now, I may post later.
Love
Kelly

Monday, December 22, 2008, 0928 A.M.

Dear Journal, and other people who may be reading this. I was doing very good for awhile. I had a week break from dissociation and had gotten my system working good. It's a mondo system and I had to build extra domes for people. But now that I'm basically in a safe spot I have to deal with body memories and feelings of anger and depression and it's really getting to me. I feel these body memories in the morning when I'm feeling sexual towards Harry. And the memories hurt, extremely painful and I know it has something to do with the fact that I sub-consciously associate Harry with a past abuser. And I hate that because I really do love him. The anger and depression are the feelings associated with the body memories and I still haven't figured out how to cope with them. I'll learn.
Today, though another alter popped up to deal with the anger and depression and the fact that I wanted to hurt myself. Angel, and little angel, the cores. One's a big and one's a little. They scared Harry and made him mad and he wanted to talk to me but they covered me. They want to deal with the emotions and feel like they can't deal with them whenever Harry's around. I can understand but I always feel safer, safest, whenever Harry's nearby.
Today I'm going to shower and get dressed, not stay in my gown, no matter how I may be feeling. Then I'll clean a little bit.
I guess that's it, I wish someone would read this and respond, either on my guestbook or by email. I could use some feedback.
Talk to you later,
Love
Kelly

Thursday, December 18, 2008, 0538 A.M.

Well, things didn't go so good yesterday afternoon after I journaled. A really bad body memory came up and I talked about it in therapy yesterday. It's been coming up a lot lately and it's getting progressively worse. It feels like there's a metal hook inside me pulling me forward and I know it sounds gross but it's from when I went through the ritual abuse at age 3.
I hate it, not just the physical sensations but also the emotions and the fact that it's really hard to deal with. The sensations alone are enough to deal with, they're at the in-between stage where they hurt but not that much and I feel the need to hurt myself more but I wrote down a promise that I wouldn't do that and it really, really feels bad.
So, today I'll focus on the things that make me feel happy and make my body happy, but I can't think of anything right now because I'm like down in it with all these yucky feelings. Hopefully, something will come up.
I know some of the reasons why these feelings are coming up right now. First, because I'm in a safe place, at home and I'm not dealing with the furor in my head right now, second because it's an anniversary. So I would have had to deal with this stuff eventually, it's just that I really, really, HATE it.
So, here's a list for me of what I could do to feel better:
1. Eat lots of chocolate.
2. Go shopping.
3. Take a warm bath
4. Wear something soft against my skin.
5. Curl up with a good book.
I guess that's it. I'll try to take care of myself today and I'll journal as needed, especially when it gets bad as that seems to help.
Talk to you later, journal. Love ya' Kelly

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 1002

Okay, I'm not doing so hot. I had a rough time yesterday. My alters were up like crazy and wouldn't stop talking to me. I felt pressure in my head and in the back of my neck like my muscles were going crazy. I couldn't stand it! I felt like hurting myself and I did. I cut myself last night, not badly just enough to break the skin. I couldn't go any deeper and I didn't know what to do. I didn't wake my husband and my alters kept trying to talk me out of it but I didn't listen. Eventually I stopped and went on to bed. Today, so far, has been better, but not much. I have therapy today and I'll talk about it but dammit, I want more than just therapy! I need help! I'm also going to the doctor to see if they can do something about the pressure in my head and in my neck. I want to find out if my alters are actually alters or if I have something else. I want a damn CT scan! I hope it's better today and I promise not to cut myself again. I hope I can stick to it. I just want help. I don't like being depressed and suicidal and feeling like I need to hurt myself. I just want to be happy and normal. I don't know how to be that way. Hell! I just want to be functional! That's it, talk to you soon.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 0407

Obviously, as you can tell, I'm having trouble sleeping. Mostly, it's the heat (we don't have air-conditioning) but also issues...and somehow the heat is tied into my issues.
The heat brings up feelings from that summer and I can deal with it, though not the heat itself. The issues however are a lot harder to deal with.
I've been battling depression and thoughts of hurting myself, and mostly I've been winning, but new concerns have come up. Apparently, I'm in the "Dome" (my therapist knows what this is) and two new altars have come up.
First of all, let me explain the Dome. It's a place in your head you have to build to keep altars in line and allow everyone to heal and be safe. It's capable of doing that and other things as well. It's real, though not real in a physical sense. Well, the Dome is where I meet my altars and we talk, sometimes laugh (I tell them a lot of jokes :-) and have meetings and stuff. For awhile, I felt pretty secure and didn't have to go back in the Dome, but lately that's changed. You see, besides summer, I'm also dealing with the ritual abuse and the two new altars are not that nice and are tearing me down. So, one thing I have to do is ignore them (turn off speakers and monitors, which are things in the Dome that I use to communicate with them and so they can communicate with me and know about the outside world. Another thing I can do is lockdown. I turn off speakers and monitors and basically put them in jail for a period of time till they learn to behave. It works, but not perfectly.
I know this all sounds weird, but when you're a multiple, you have to do stuff like this or you could go insane from having so many people in your head, each trying to do their own thing.
So, I'm okay for now. Not as depressed or hurtful to myself, it's just that I'm really in the Dome, talking to helpful people and being safe and trying to get a handle on some memories and the new altars.
But, I could use a shoulder to cry on and some friends to offer me encouragement so, if you've read this, please drop me a line and give some words of advice or help, or just a friendly word.
The email address is hobbittmom@aol.com

Sunday, June 24, 2007 0724

Well, it's been awhile since I've journaled and I guess I should start in. I've been having trouble with depression and dark thoughts. The issues are really, really bad ones, stemming from when I was extremely little. I won't call it ritual abuse but that's what it reminds me of. I've had these memories for awhile but I haven't dealt with them yet, they're too painful. On top of that are the memories of the abuse from my real father during that awful summer. I'm having a REALLY hard time.
I haven't slept much, I'm not sewing, painting or doing much of anything. I'm just walking around in a fog. On top of that, I'm really dissociated and I keep having conversations with my alters.
The worst part is the thoughts of hurting myself. But I won't. I promised people and I promised my alters but it's just so hard not to. I'll try harder, but it would be nice if I got some encouragement from a friend. That's why I sent links to several friends so they could check out my webpage. Hopefully, they'll read this and offer me some hope. I'm reaching out guys! Please offer me a helping hand.
Oh well. We'll see. Talk to ya later! Bye

Thursday, June 14, 2007 1613

I had another issue come up today. Again it was hotdogs and mustard, but I dealt with it well by tuning in to my other senses and trying some grounding techniques. The biggest problem I've had lately is sex with my husband.
Yesterday evening, we had tried to have sex but he had difficulty with his erection. I don't know why and he doesn't know why, but this morning it was different. I can't explain the difference. I don't know why it happened.
I've asked him repeatedly to see a doctor, because this problem has been going on for quite some time now. For a long time, he didn't want to see one, but now he says he will. He's going in for his physical in July and says he'll talk to the doctor about it. Yeah Todd!
Something else that's been bothering me lately is something my therapist mention. You see I have people in my head because I'm dissociated. Sounds like Schizophrenia, but it's not, it's Dissociation. The people in my head are parts of me that I need to communicate with. Well, after all I've read about dissociation and DID, I've come to the conclusion that though integration is the ultimate goal, it's not the only goal you can have. And I don't think my therapist sees this. I've got one dissociated part that I talk to regularly, who laughs at my jokes, gives me advice, helps me through body memories and so on, even sex. I'm very happy with them in my head but I don't have to have them in my head all the time, I can do other things too. The question is this, why would I integrate someone so wonderful? It's a part of me that I can love. I don't think I want to integrate this part. I need it too badly.
I think that's it for now. I may add to this later. Talk to ya' later, bye!

Monday, June 11, 2007 1900

Warning! This journal entry includes graphic description of abuse. Please do not read if you are under 18, or are disturbed by sexual abuse.

This morning, I had a taste in my mouth. It was hotdogs and mustard. I had had this before and the taste was waking up inside of me. Eventually, it got stronger and worse. I knew what it reminded me of; Bill with his pants down. The feelings were intense. Jonathan helped. He kept reminding me of grounding techniques. I did what I could for myself, then called Todd and asked for help. Todd also talked me through it. I managed to get the kids off to school. I cried when I could and waited for Todd to come home.
I'm a little angry right now. I don't know what people are doing for me. I'm supposed to feel my feelings and re-experience the abuse enough so that I can heal. But, it feels like certain people don't want that. It feels like they want me to put it behind me and pretend it never happened so they can deal with me better. I HATE THAT! The child I was, all of the children I was, won't be ignored!
I really need a hug. Karon won't give me one and Todd's hugs are a little stiff. I feel set off by Patrick because he's a big boy. Dewane gives good hugs but I have to coach him. My therapist won't hug me. She says it's inappropriate between us. Well, there's always my big, giant teddy bear.
Getting back to my memory. I looked through the Courage To Heal book. It talks about processing your memories. Going through the steps to heal. That's all I want. I want to process this particular memory and move on, but I don't know how. I feel like I should take out the memory, look at it (like looking at a photograph), acknowledge it, feel the feelings, then let it go.
Okay, so here's the memory (be advised there are other memories on top of this one, but this one is the core event). While on summer vacation with my real father, he would let me stay up at night to keep him awake while he drove. He was talking about the truck and how to drive it (I think), when I asked if I could learn to drive it. Oh, he was in favor of this, let me tell you! He told me to sit in his lap and to steer. So, I did, not knowing what would happen later. I don't remember well, but I do remember that I was sitting on one of his legs, steering. He had managed to open his jeans and pull out his dick. He told me to look down, so I did. I was fascinated and scared. I didn't know what to do. He told me to touch it and I didn't feel like I had a choice, so I touched it. Then, it's like a wild animal took over me. I scrambled off his lap and crouched against the far side of the truck. I think I eventually fell asleep.
Okay, so I've taken out the memory, looked at it, acknowledged it and felt the feelings (this morning mostly - grief and anger). Do I now put it away and if it comes back up, should I deal with it again?
I know part of the reason why it came up, it's summer. Am I always going to have this trouble in the summer? I've had other sorts of trouble in the summer, do I get to add to it?
I don't know. I think that's it for now. I'll try to journal again sometime this week.

Sunday, June 10, 2007 2133

Everything is still going well. I haven't had any major problems with body memories or any troubling memories, for that matter. I started on a higher dosage of an Antidepressant so maybe that's why things are going well. Also, I've decided to just get off my rear-end and do things.
Not much is happening. I'm still reading and taking it slow on sewing my two dresses together. I have a funny story to tell of a squirrel. We named it Houdini, because it managed to find a way into our squirrel-proof, bird feeder. From my house you can see the yard and the woods behind it, which is lovely. And on my deck is a feeder that I put cracked corn in. Well, two chipmunks love to come and eat from it but today they got into a fight several times. I guess they're hoarding the corn. The squirrel, however, well...I had to put my foot down. Todd and I have taken turns chasing off the squirrel because it's taken to scaring off the birds. So, I went out in my nightgown one day, armed with a yellow plastic baseball bat and proceeded to chase the squirrel from one tree to the other. NOT a pretty picture....THAT DAMNED SQUIRREL MADE ME MAD! I mean the feeder is for the birds, not the squirrel. Anyway, here's a picture of the squirrel caught in the feeder. Karon and I had crept up to it while it was in there and stole a few shots with the digital camera.
That's all for now. Talk to ya' soon.

Thursday, June 7, 2007 2022

Things have been going good since Monday. Minor body memories which I've handled pretty well and I seem to be more chipper and have more motivation to do things. I find I'm not thinking about the past and it's helping, but I do know I'll deal with it when it comes up.
I'm reading books by Joseph Campbell. They're books on mythology (which I LOVE!!) and learning about quilting. I'd also like to learn about needlepoint or embroidery.
That's it for now, I'll talk to ya' soon.

Monday, June 4, 2007 2038

Again, sorry I haven't updated in awhile. It's been hectic and I've had good days and bad days.
Things were fine up until the weekend. Then it all hit me at once. It was 3 anniversaries on top of each other. My brother's birthday and death, my stepfather's birthday, and the summer I went away with my real father. I don't know, it's just that the combination of these anniversaries and body memories has kind of caught up with me. I'm trying a higher dosage anti-depressant tomorrow so maybe that will help me through this difficult time. I'll try to post tomorrow. I think for now a movie is in order, Jonathan Scott-Taylor in case you were wondering ;-). Have a good one!

Monday, Memorial Day, May 28, 2007 2010

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, I've been extremely busy. So, I'll catch you up to date:
Thursday the 24th, Normal Day, everything was fine. The kids and I played a little game of water tag out in the yard with a water hose. Other than that, that was the highlight of my day.
Friday, the 25th. This was a special day. My friend Teresa, runs a Pagan shop and once a month all of her Pagan friends get together and gab. Well, I finally got a chance to go, and it was wonderful. I met a lot of Pagans and even though we didn't talk about Paganism much it was still very nice.
On the downside of that day...I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep that day. I got bit by a wild hare, and wanted to have my purple dress done for the get-together. Needless to say I hadn't started it yet. So, I woke up extra early and started on my dress, thinking I could have it done for Pagan get-together. I did get it done, but you could tell I had rushed it. It didn't turn out bad, but it wasn't that great either. Right now, I'm in the midst of making alterations to it, so that it looks better. That's about it for Thursday.
Saturday, the 26th. Another special day that I spent alone with my hubby. We spent time on our hobbies. Sewing for me and beer making for him. That's about it, though once I got home I spent a lot of time working on my purple dress to fix it.
Sunday, the 27th, Todd brewed beer and I spent a lot of time in my sewing room learning how to make pockets (or pocketses as we call them, for those who are into LOTR). I had a great day and it went very well.
Monday, today, I had a little trouble with a body memory. I had two come up at once but it went away fairly quickly once I got a handle on it. I spent a lot of time this morning categorizing my candy...oh well! That's Aspergers for you! I didn't do as much today, I took a break from sewing. I did get to sleep outside. I have an camping air mattress and I took it outside and laid on it. It was heaven.
Well, that's all for now...I'll try to keep up with this and I'll try to get back to it tomorrow. Thanks for reading and keeping up with me. Talk to ya' later!
Kel

Wednesday, May 23, 2007 1733

So far so good, and I'm not holding my breath. It got a little bad this morning with a body memory and "You know who...name starts with an A" popping up. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday so I ignored him for most of the day by sewing. Then in therapy, he popped up again and I put him in lockdown. I haven't had any problems since.
Took the kids to the library, got books on sewing. So far it's been pretty good. Wish me luck. Hope tomorrow is good too.
Well, that's it. I'm going to spend the rest of the day relaxing (no more sewing for today), playing on the 'puter, or reading a book.
Talk to you later!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 1322

Well, several shockers hit me over the weekend, on into today. The first was that my son threw up dinner Sunday night and we thought he was throwing up blood. My husband and I took him to the hospital and he turned out fine but we were there awhile, while they replaced fluids in him. For a sick kid, he was awful cute, though!
The other shocker is that I got a body memory Sunday morning, my mother's cosmetics, and at first I thought it meant I needed something that reminded me of my mother, to, you know, feel safe. I got it again today and it didn't make me feel safe. I felt like throwing up, I couldn't do anything, I missed therapy, I couldn't even eat. And then at around 1230 today something happened. I asked for help and I got it. My alters came to the rescue. Particularly Angelo, one of my caretakers. He talked me through it and will keep doing so throughout the day and if not, I know I have other alters who will help me too. We are all a part of each other and we have to stick together and help each other. It makes the tough parts easier.
Monday, I didn't do anything but sew and come up with projects for sewing. I'm trying to occupy my time with a variety of things so I don't get obsessed or burnt out on one thing. So far it's working. I've been sewing, writing html, writing stories, making videos, and making plans for how I want the house to look. Also, I've been designing dresses in my spare time. I've been doing a lot and spending less time talking in my head to my alters (though I need them right now).
That's it for now, I hope my therapist reads this. I sure could use her help when I see her tomorrow. Talk to ya' later! Chuss! (German for good-bye, slang).

Saturday, May 19, 2007 0615

Thursday went well. I spent a lot of time sewing on my new dress and talking to my daughter. I had some trouble with body memories but it got better.
Friday was a nightmare. I had severe body memories (almost flashbacks) and no amount of grounding techniques worked to overcome them. I got severely depressed and suicidal and had to call my husband home to help me. It got better in the evening, but the day time was horrible.
Yesterday, Friday, was good. I made a commitment to have a good day and I started the day out right. Few body memories because I did this. After I got the kids off to school, I ate breakfast and started in on my sewing project again. It went very well. I made a camisole to go under my new dress. I did some crochet (I've decided to crochet a long sleeved pullover for winter). I designed some dresses I want to make. All, in all, it was a good day.
Today should be good as well. I made a list of things I want to do and I did something that I think my husband will like ;-), I designed a negligee and wrap. I'm going to a fabric store today and to the mall and anywhere else Todd decides to take me. It should be a great day. Oh! And I plan on making a tote bag today. Have a great day and I will too. I'll try to update this tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 2048

Body memories
Yesterday and today weren't so bad. I kept myself busy. The worst thing I had to cope with was depression and anger. The anger is justified given what I'm remembering, the depression is harder to deal with. I don't feel like doing anything, I can't seem to move, it's like darkness has settled on my body. I noticed something too. I'm on 2 antidepressants and one of them I have to take 3 times a day. My depression seemed to come on me 4 hours after taking it. So, yesterday I took one early and it seemed to help, though I was jittery. Today, I took one early and then another one early and I'm doing okay. Up till now. I found myself saying to myself, "I'm nothing." Alters in my head protested and I got angry and decided to journal. That seemed to help. On a happier note, I'm working on making my dress and slip and camisole and even a little tote bag. It's slow going but I'm enjoying it. Also, I found dresses I want to make and I've made plans on making 2 Pagan dresses, one for fall (Samhain) and one for late spring (Beltaine). It should be a lot of fun making them.
That's it for now. I'll try to post tomorrow. Have a pleasant evening and a great day tomorrow.

Monday, May 14, 2007 1239

I'm still having trouble with a particular body memory. And lately Bad Angel keeps getting past my guard. I've put him in lockdown for now and hopefully that will work for awhile.
I'm all alone at home today till Dewane gets home at 2. It's pretty lonely, boring and kind of scary, but I know I'm safe.
I was kind of depressed earlier due to the anniversary and the body memory, but I forced myself to go online and it's getting better. Also, I have therapy today and that will help a lot.
Talk later today.

Sunday, May 13, 2007 1937 Mother's Day!

I had another rough morning with a body memory. It got pretty scary and I was afraid I was going to throw up, which would have brought up a little. Finally, I decided to just do self-care and relax and do something nice for myself. So, I took a long, long, long, hot bath, with my IPOD, my smokes and ashtray, lit candles, and some chocolate. It was heaven :-) I stayed there a long time, got clean, used special soap to make me feel special and felt loads better once I got out. No more body memories and I felt good. I plan on doing that again, take a Mother's day time out kind of thing, if it ever gets that bad again.
Went shopping again...got MORE SHOES!! And unfortunately, I had Big M steakhouse for dinner (McDonald's). Todd says he'll fix me a really special dinner next weekend. That's it for now, talk at ya' later! And Happy Mother's Day to all you Mothers out there >;-) (evil grin and a wink)

Saturday, May 12, 2007 2100

I had a bit of a rough night. I seemed to be afraid of all kinds of noises. I got up several times to check them out but they were nothing. Then I realized, I was probably triggered because of the time of the year.
I had a weird morning, though. Nauseous on and off and one of my favorite people was in my head, JST. We didn't do anything about it but the sexual feelings were definitely there. They were wonderful and I feel like he's wonderful.
I went SHOPPING!!! :-)
I'm on a sewing spree. I want to make all my own clothes. So, since I already have a sewing machine and lots of other things to go with it, I decided to spend some money and go out and by a pattern and some fabrics and stuff. It was FUN! Oh! And of course...I bought shoes.
That's it for now, see ya' tomorrow!

Friday, May 11, 2007 0839

Got up at 5 AM. Managed to sleep most of the night through. Heard the birds out my windows and I was cheered. The birds sound great out here. So many trees.
Then I noticed something. A tightening in my jaw and it felt like my body was feeling anger even though my head wasn't. I couldn't understand it. I asked my alters, "Who's doing this? Who feels anger?" It was Good Angel. He says he was angry about Tony and all that he had done to us. He wanted us to do something about it, though what that could have been, I don't know. So I told him, let's just feel our anger. I wanted Good Angel to share it with me and he did. We started feeling nauseous and Val popped up and tried to tell me what to do to deal with it. But I wanted it to just pass. Eventually it did and I was able to enjoy the birds and the morning.

Same day 1630

Went to therapy today, it went well. I managed to talk about some of the abuse without completely losing it. My therapist asked me if today was an anniversary or something of my brother and I just suddenly remembered the plastic bag over my mouth and started coughing, getting ready to throw up. She calmed me down, reminded me to breathe and eventually I felt better. But it hit me. This is an anniversary of Tony's death and soon it will be his birthday. It's going to be a rough month.

Thursday, May 10, 2007 0640

More body memories and they're coming fast and furious. This one was about my brother Tony, or Taco, as we called him. I smelled him and tasted him. I was only 7 and he was 13. We shared a room together, though we shouldn't have. The problem with body memories is that I always get depressed afterwards. I feel as if the whole day is ruined and nothing will get better. I took steps to cope with the body memory. I sucked on a Jolly Rancher and my alters talked me through it. But it took my husband's help to get me out of the bedroom and downstairs so I could journal. Writing this seems to be helping.

I have therapy today. I'll talk about this with Penelope (body memories and getting depressed). I'm hoping she has more tricks up her sleeves (coping skills) to help me deal with the depression.

Plans for today? Sleep. I slept 3 hours last night and 4 1/2 the night before. I need to catch up. After that? Do what I didn't get done yesterday, which also includes working on my webpages. Talk again later.

Wednesday May 7,2007 0836

Have had troubles with body memories again. Memories of the abuse that seem to take over my body. They always come in the morning and certain things seem to set me off. The temperature outside, certain tastes, noises, you name it. My alters are giving me a lot of help. They talk me through it all and give me ideas on how to cope. Plus they keep telling me that eventually it will get better. The autism is giving me fits too. It's weird being autistic and having non-autistic people in your head. I explain to them what's going on and they don't understand. I have to talk about this with my therapist. Have had trouble in the past week being suicidal, though I hate to admit it. It's been off and on. Part of the problem seems to be the body memories and the fact that my little alters (children) keep popping up in my head. I feel like I'll never get better and that it's going to take forever to be well. But, my alters keep assuring me I'm making progress and I talk to my friend Marion and it gives me hope. The biggest problem, though, is that I keep having to ask my husband to come home to help me and he's missing a lot of work. But it's important that he do this to keep me safe. Plans? I have plans for today and long term plans. My plans for today are taking care of my body and work on these pages. Also, take care of my kids. Long term? Work on the house, garden, go places, talk to friends. That's it for now, be back later

Friday, May 9, 2008 Have had some weird things going on with me. New alters are popping up, one named Yeshua, who keeps giving me grapes. I know it has to do with the ritual abuse but still, he made it hard on me and I threw up pretty rough one day.
A new body memory associated with one ritual has been coming up. It tastes like burnt candle with birthday cake on it. I know it has to do with Angel, who did that to me, but it still hurts pretty badly.
The alters I deal with most of the time now, are JST, Harry, Lazarus, and Yeshua. I've got littles who come up from time to time, but they're mostly integrated and seem to come out when the memories get too rough. I think they're trying to help me cope with them, or scare off other alters.
I'm writing a story about Harry and my hallway. You know, the hallway with all of those fictional people in it, who keep popping up in my head. In the story, Harry follows a little me down the hallway and enters stories I've written about him including some fictional crossover fics, then goes to the origin to find out about me and where he comes from. I think it should be pretty good. I'll post it on my website and I hope someone reads it and tells me what they think.
I've done some intensive self therapy lately and have come to several conclusions.
1. Angel (not the alter but the teenage boy from long ago) ritually abused me and I associate Harry Potter with him which would account for my being over-obsessed with Harry and Harry being his own alter in my head.
2. I was ritually abused by Christians too (shoved down a hole before age 5 and then ritually exorcised) and that's why Yeshua is here. I'm in love with Yeshua, he's a good friend and tells me to be a good girl, even though I'm a Pagan Witch.
I think there's so much religion in my background that I'm trying to integrate everything I've learned and I'm trying to find the Christ in Harry Potter and the Devil in Yeshua. Should be interesting.
That's it for now TTYL, Bye!

Sunday, May 11, 2008
Lately, I've been having trouble with headaches. They're in the back of my head and they're pretty severe and I've had to take Tylenol with Codeine in order to get rid of them. It seems to be caused by a few alters who want to switch and take over the body, but I can't let that happen, as they are new alters and I don't know or trust them very well. They haven't learned to cope with the system, especially the fact that some of our people are fictional people but also real.
That's all that's really happening. I got a new game of Spyro the Dragon yesterday. But, other than that I'm just coping with these new alters and the headaches. I will tell you the constant battle in my head has made me depressed, and slightly suicidal. I've been thinking of checking into a hospital, one that specializes in DID, but I haven't had much luck finding one.
That's it for now, TTYL

Wednesday, May21, 2008
I haven't journaled in a few days, as you well know, and the reason is, I'm going through a bout of depression. It's kind of severe, but not so severe that I need to go to the hospital. I think a lot of it has to do with an two anniversary events (abuse events) that have come up, one on top of the other, and something else.
You see, I've talked alot about Angel, an alter of mine who has my anger. Also, Angel represents one of my first abusers. Let me describe him. He was taller than me (obviously), black hair (I don't know what color eyes) and skinny. He was a teenage boy who was my babysitter. Now, you may know that I love Harry Potter. Well, there are a lot of similarities between Harry Potter and Angel. Besides the obvious ones, such as looks, Harry is magical and Angel was too in that he did ritual abuse on me. I think I was in love and trusted Angel, but scared too and all of that subconsciously led to why I love Harry Potter so much and am obsessed with him.(to be continued)
(continued)The ritual abuse occurred when I was about 2 or 3. I have a visual memory of Angel, but cannot remember the color of his eyes. I have body memories of the ritual abuse and put the pieces of the puzzle together. I know that early canalization (or early imprinting of the young) will color a person's life dramatically, and that has certainly happened to me. It's like I want to be healed by Angel, and even though I have him in my head, he's technically a demon -alter, in that he's always bad and angry. But, I found a good Angel in Harry Potter and want to be healed by him.
Now, the HP alter in my head does not like to be compared to Angel, even though the two are very similar. Harry is very nice and caregiving, and he's always loveable and loving. He's also very sexy and always willing to make love to me when I want and need it.
I studied a book a number of years ago called "Imago." And it was about finding your Imago and letting them heal you from the trauma of your abuse. Your imago, usually has a tendency to be similar in many respects to your abuser except they're supposed to be nicer and they can heal you or help you heal from the trauma of the past. I think Harry is my Imago.
Now, I'm going to go on and on and on about Harry, and if you don't like it, don't read =) or throw up, or just enjoy, whichever you prefer.
I love his bright green eyes, jet black hair and sexy, skinny body, even the knobby knees. Woo Hoo!!! He makes me HOT! Most of all, I love his personality. He teases me and flirts with me, advises me, keeps me out of trouble, is constantly helping me get better and is always saving my life. What more could a girl ask for. Now, I'm going to tell you a little bit of what J.K. Rowling said about him and show you how that ties in with my Imago.
Rowling made a connection between Harry Potter and Christ (she said this in an interview) and how he's tempted, works miracles even other wizards can't do but has shortcomings, such as his anger (which he has related to me and ties him in with Angel). When I think of Harry as Christ, or Christ-like, I think of him as what a good Angel should be. And because of the ritual abuse (and other ritual abuse I'll talk about at another time), Harry Potter is the Saviour for me.
That's it for now, enough of Harry Potter, I'll go on again on another day and you can sick if it pleases you. :-) TTYL.

Thursday, May 29, 2008, 3:02 P.M. I've been sleeping better, but my back is out right now. Partly due to the fact that I spent two nights camping in my backyard. I had therapy out there. My therapist came and visited me, not due to any problems, it was just therapy day. That was fine. I've bought some items to help me in my healing, markers, pens, notebooks and a bulletin board. They seem to be working. I've worked on grounding techniques to help with body memories and that's working out well.
What I really want to talk about now is my relationship with Harry Potter. I've talked about the fact that he, in some ways, reminds me of Angel and of Christ. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with him and we've been doing work on healing and self-care and how to spend my spare time. But mostly we've been pretty darn horny! It's quite frustrating because I have to share the room with my husband and he sleeps in the day time. It's hard and Harry's so HOT! From Harry's perspective, it's frustrating for both of us and he wants to help me sexually and he loves me. Also, he thinks I need help with my sexuality. I think he's the man to help me. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to have fun. He thinks I'm a nice person.
I think we'll get this settled and hopefully, we'll both be happy together.
Ummm, that's it for now except to say that my oldest son is graduating from High School this Sunday and I'm extremely proud of him and happy for him. Way to go Dewane!ttyl

Friday, June 6,2008 5:36 A.M.
Well, everything is pretty awesome right now. For me, the only thing that's a downside is the lack of sleep, but I'll work on that. I'm doing really well. I'm taking care of the house and myself and issues have gone down a bit. My back is still out but I'm using a cane and an office chair with wheels to get around (my husband calls me 'Speedy'). I'm doing some healing work but most of it is integration and I'm taking it slow. I'm writing a list every day for myself of things to do and things to make me happy, plus I've got my desk cleaned up and a bulletin board to keep me straight. All in all, it's looking good.
The kids are doing well. Dewane is starting to grasp the concept that he's going to finishing high school and moving on to a job and a new house. He's happy and I'm happy for him. Karon's both happy and scared, she's moving out soon and going back to college. She's really prepared and I know she'll do well. I'm nervous about it but I'm happy for her as well. Patrick's school is getting on the stick about him. They worked on a package for him for his Senior year and we okayed it. Plus, he'll be the only one left at home, so I'll have more time to devote to him. I hope it works out and he does really good. My husband seems happier since I'm more functional. Plus, he's sleeping more, which is good and of course his favorite Hockey Team, the Red Wings, won the Stanley Cup, so he's pretty happy.
That's it for now. Talk to you soon.

Sunday, June 8, 2008 4:23 P.M.

Things are going better. Let's see, I've become more able to clean and I'm doing better at maintaining the house and kids. It's made it easier on Todd and that's helped our relationship. I'm still having trouble with issues, usually in the morning and usually due to sensations or the time of year, but I find that positive statements and grounding skills and other good coping skills helps with that. I also find I'm more co-consious with my alters and the conversations with them have cut down, which has actually made me happier.
I wanted to say that some of the issues coming up are summer with Bill (my biological father) and some ritual abuse. The skills that I have been practicing that are working are physical grounding skills, mental imagery and soothing statements. I also find I'm better able to cope with the depression when I have something to do and I use something that I call, "Happiness Skills." These are skills or things to do that make me happy. I like them, my Littles and Bigs like them and they help cope with my depression.
I've also made a contract not to hurt myself and dated it for one week to be renewed each week. It's actually working really well and I keep it on my bulletin board to remind me to be safe.
I guess that's it for now. I'll post again soon. TTYL, Kelly

Monday, June 9, 2008 4:39 P.M.

I went to the Doc's today. She checked out my lungs and said they sounded good but that I needed to get another X-Ray for them. I had been smoking 3 packs a day for 6 years, then up to 5 about a year ago. Now I'm down to 2 1/2. I'm trying to get better and avoid cancer and other lung diseases.
Wednesday I start physical therapy for my back and hopefully I'll become more mobile. And the 18th, I'm going to the Dentist. On top of that, I also started taking a multivitamin and a calcium supplement. I bought children's chewables because they're easier to take and it's silly and my little's love them and the calcium supplement is a small chocolate square. Ummmmm Ummmmmm! I really hope all of this work, including the healing work makes me healthier. I know it can if I keep it up.
Well, I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading and letting me share. TTYL, Kelly

Friday, June 13, 2008, 4:19 A.M.

Well, it's almost like it's Halloween. Friday the 13th and in June, Oooooo Spooky! Hehehe. Actually, as a Pagan Witch, I revere Friday the 13th for a lot of reasons. First of all, Friday is typically a day that Witch's gather for Esbats (full moon rituals) and there are usually 13 Witch's in a coven and 13 full moons in a year plus there are 13 Goals of a Witch and 13 Principles of Belief. So I consider this a good luck day unlike most people.

On another note, to update on what's going on with me, today my husband and I are taking my 22 year old, autistic son to be evaluated for guardianship. It should be interesting.
Yesterday I went shopping at WalMart and at Family Dollar. Got stuff to help with issues. Had to use the motorized scooter till my back is better. It's kind of fun and several times I almost ran over people :-), on accident of course.
Wednesday, I went to physical therapy. She was really nice but had me bend all sorts of ways and it hurt me. She's started me on swimming exercises and I'll be doing them at the Y on Mondays and Thursdays. That should help and may be fun, besides, I love swimming.
Monday Morning, I get my eyes checked out and new glasses. Tuesday we go to see where my 22 year old will be working as an adult and where he'll live. The places sound really awesome and I'm quite pleased so far and look forward to seeing them on Tuesday. Wednesday I go to the Dentist in the morning and then to my Intake at Service Net in Greenfield. I'll meet my new therapist, and she sounds great on the phone so that should be good. Then Thursday, I'll get to say goodbye to my old therapist. She's coming out to see me and talk and get closure and I'll miss her a lot, she's helped me a great deal. I'd stay with her but the people at Service Net know more about DID and my old therapist thinks it might be better for me to go there.

So that's it in a nutshell. Things are looking good and should continue that way. TTYL Kelly

Monday, June 30, 2008 9:16 P.M.

Have had a lot of trouble dissociating lately. For about 3-4 weeks I had been doing well, staying out of my head and dealing with reality. But it got hard when certain things came up. First of all, I became interested in JST again and that woke up my body, then he popped up in my head and that made things worse and I found it quite hard to stay out of my head again.
I think the hardest thing for me has been the fact that a couple of people I really admired passed away and they popped up in my head to join my list of alters and I find myself talking to them a lot. It's hard being dissociated or doing something others would consider to be some form of spirit communication or magic or even that is slightly psychotic in nature.
The conversations seem to center around topics of which I'm highly interested in. For example, creative physics and religion and how the two are intertwined. I find that when I'm really dissociated those are the topics that seem to come up the most.
And what's really weird is that with all these people in my head, I seem to be more than one person and it's hard keeping my identity.
On the plus side. I've started physical therapy at the YMCA in the pool and it's working very well. Also, tomorrow I start a DBT skills group in Greenfield, and my new therapist is very nice and more knowledgeable of DID and the things that are my problems.
The kids are doing well, two of them move out soon and one is looking for a job. So they're on the ball and things are going well in some areas of my life.
I guess that's it for now, more later when I have more news. TTYL, Kelly

Friday, July 4, 2008 4:20 P.M.

For the past 2 days, I've had problems with a new group of alters named Sheol. If you know anything about Judaism and Christianity, you would know that Sheol is a land of the dead. That says something about my abuse. I can feel them in my body and I can hear them in my head and they do weird things to me. It's hard I'm managing and I had to give them system rules. It's hard to concentrate on the outer world, but mindfulness seems to help a lot. My new therapst tells to try mindfulness activities to stay focused in the moment.
A few of the people from Sheol who keep popping up change. Right now, it's an author who I used to read a lot, and two who died recently. Though they're not a part of the system of Sheol, a group of people also keep popping up that have been helpful and hurtful, mostly hurtful in trying to gain control of all the systems, and they can't.
As far as the kids go, they're doing well and will continue to get better

Saturday July 12,2008

Friday, July 18,2008

Today was a rough day, I had trouble remembering things and focusing on tasks, I hope tomorrow is better. I seem to be acquiring new alters and it's frustrating me. My polyfragmented self has been split off into universes inside my head and today I had to build a system in order to create some order. I'm going to do better and try to clean the house tomorrow and get ready for my son's birthday. I guess that's it for now, ttyl

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 7:40 P.M.

Well, hello. Today has had it's share of ups and downs. I had body memories this morning and had to focus on the five senses to feel better. It was still a little weird in my head though it got better. I'm doing better tonight since I decided to put the pieces of my soul back together. I can focus more on the world around me and still keep my parts updated on what's happening. I was depressed today but it didn't last long, a thunderstorm cheered me up. I feel a lot better and I want to do better in the real world. I'll focus more on therapy and DBT and cut back on PT since too many appointments overwhelmed me. Plus, I'll be helping my daughter with her move and my son with his work and my other son with his schooling. I also plan on writing more and posting it online. I have a ton of stories I want to put up and see what people think. Well, I guess that's it for now, talk to ya' later,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 0651 A.M.

Hello Journal, and people who may be reading it. It's gotten better in my head over the past week and I'm terribly sorry that I haven't posted for awhile. I've been journaling at another site, called LiveJournal.com but I'll try to keep this place up to date too.
I've had trouble with Sheol and lost touch for a long time with my main alters and fictional people and reals. It seems to have come back and Sheol is mostly okay now. I have to watch how I treat them and be consistent and not allow them too much leeway.
My husband and I are doing okay. We talk and spend time together. I find I can watch movies with him now and we're going out more and having a better time.
My sons are doing good. One is working for a factory that makes bookcases and he does well, the other is a Senior in high school and is starting to really get into his Senior year.
My daughter is doing well. We just had a major power outage in Massachusetts and we went to stay at a hotel near her and I spent time shopping with her and going out with her and her friends. It was fun and I really missed my daughter.
Today I have therapy but I don't know really what to talk about. I can tell her how things have been going and that'll be good. But I'm not really having problems with anything, maybe libido, which is a little high, but other than that, not much. But that's okay, I'm looking forward to therapy anyway. Christmas! I haven't done any shopping or put up the tree yet for this particular holiday and I'm feeling the effects. I finally feel good and I spent the week taking a break from constant battles in my head and now I have to catch up with the holidays. I think I'll make a to-do list. On top of that, the house is a wreck and of course, I have to clean it. I guess that's about it, if you want to see my other journal, go to Hobbittmom's Journal: An Exercise in Fertility of the mind i.e. Rantings, and Ravings and Deep Dark Cravings.
That's it for now, talk to ya' later, Love Kelly

Friday, August 17, 2007

I'm here and today I just bought my first brand new car and got an apartment. I'm excited. I've embarked on a journey and the milestones along the way have been tremendously scary but exhilarating too. Monday, I go to see my sister, Staci. But tomorrow! I go to buy furniture!! Wooooo.
Anyway, I'll keep this updated and let you know how I'm doing. Tootles for now

Sunday, August 12,2007 0905

Well, this is it. I'm leaving Todd and my kids. I know this comes as a shock but it's been in the works for a long time. Plus, my sister has terminal MS and I want to be with her. Not to mention the fact that I'll be a lot happier being away from Todd. Not the kids though, but they're grown and don't need me as much anymore, and besides I'll be too busy taking care of myself.
I'm moving back to Oklahoma where I plan on getting a job and an apartment. I fly out of here Thursday morning. Please wish me luck and don't think of me too harshly for leaving the kids. I think that this is for the best.
My friend, Marion is also in Oklahoma and she's helped me through most of the DID. She'll be a big help while I'm there.
That's all for now, I'll see you in Oklahoma, which btw is where I'm from originally and I've always wanted to go back there.
Talk to you soon, ya'll!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007 2029

We've had a ROUGH TIME! First of all, I'm having trouble coping with being DID, my alters aren't. Littles keeping coming up and I want to help them, but sometimes I can't. Alters are having trouble, sometimes I don't feel safe. I'm going into Partial Hospitalization tomorrow, was supposed to today, but couldn't make it. I'm hoping they give me coping skills for this and information about DID. I NEED IT! On top of that, I've been asking Todd for a lot of help and he helps me (SOMETIMES!). Now, he tells me he's depressed and tells me about our financial situation and other stuff. I can't handle it. I'm looking for a job, and not getting anywhere, I'm dealing with my stuff, which is HUGE, and handling the kids sometimes, I can't drive, and there are other things I can't do, Todd needs therapy to tell his woes to someone and can't load me down with this. I keep calling people to talk, like my friend in Oklahoma, my sister (who gave me information from when I was little) and my other sis. Todd won't ask ANYONE but me for help. And it's too hard. Thank God/Goddess I'm getting help from my alters, and people online. That's it, if anybody reads this send me an email and offer me some hope, PLEASE! The email address is, hobbittmom@aol.com That's it. Talk to you later, Kelly

Wednesday, July 4, 2007 1146

Happy Independence Day!
Well, I've got a few things to say and I'm not sure how to proceed. First of all, I went to therapy yesterday and told my therapist about cutting myself. She was not pleased and made me promise not to do it again. Second, (actually first), I went to the doctors and they couldn't do anything for me, either the muscle spasms or the lumps in my neck and I just have to wait to see the psychiatrist to find out what sorts of drugs they could possibly give me. I'm totally fed up with doctors. Something else my therapist said was that my alters could actually be causing the muscle spasms in my neck and face. I don't know how that could be, but it's a possibility.
Here's the important thing. My therapist knows I'm DID (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) and that I have alternate personalities (or alters as we call them). She knows that I had Harry Potter in my head (and still do to some extent) and that he was a caretaker more than anything. But what you don't know and she does is that I also have Jonathan Scott-Taylor in my head. He's a caretaker and a guardian and it's possible I may have had him since I was 13 or 14 and he just grew up with me. I just never talked to him before now.
Now, I know this sounds strange and you're wondering if I've lost it, but I haven't. I'm completely lucid and I'm fine. It's just that I know when an alter shows up it means there's something from my past I haven't dealt with yet and it also means that I'm getting ready to deal with it by getting to know my alter and learning of the past. I also need something desperately that this particular alter provides. The problem is that I can't figure out what I need from Jonathan. I talk to him all the time, he makes sure I take my meds, he tried to keep me from hurting myself, he's a sometime lover, friend and confidante. But what do I really need from him? What memories is he holding on to and when will he and I integrate. Hell! I haven't even integrated with ANY of my alters yet. And more keep showing up.
But I know I need something from Jonathan and he's the only one who can give it to me and help me. I wish I could talk to the real Jonathan and explain this to him. Let him know that a part of him that came through the screen became a part of me and has helped me live this long. I'd love to tell him I love him and miss seeing him on the big screen or even on TV. It gave me a lot to look forward to to see him.
What's worse and has me scared is the fact that I may never get to tell him or hear his response. I'm afraid what those lumps on my neck may mean. My mother died of lung cancer at 44, and I smoke 3 packs a day and can't stop due to my alters and the stress of being so disabled. I'll never get the chance to tell people what they've meant to me, except in my head, or in this journal, but I don't think it's being read. I pray to the Goddess and God for help or something so that I can at least make a friend before I go. I've been alone for 6 years now, except for my family, and I haven't made a single friend because I have DID and am disabled and can't get out. Jonathan Scott-Taylor, or anyone, if you're out there please drop me a line. Let me tell you my story of abuse and what it's like to be a Multiple, plus autistic. I don't know...I mostly want to know you're safe and happy. Well, that's it for now, talk to you later. Kelly

Satuday, July 14, 2007 1546

Things were getting better and now they're not. Well, they're not worse, they're just different. And confusing. And scary at times and I can't stop talking to my alters. My alters can't stop talking to me. I'm obsessed with DID and getting better. Littles have come up and given me 2 new memories that are horrific. The good news is I'm not suicidal and I don't want to hurt myself. But I know I need help and One-on-One therapy is not going to do it. I tried to check myself into a hospital, but the crisis intervention person didn't think I was in THAT much of a crisis. So, he recommended partial hospitalization and I'm going to try it. I hope it helps.
I'm also having trouble even believing I'm DID, even though I switch, do not remember some of the abuse and even chunks of my childhood. I don't think I'm crazy, I know I'm not shizophrenic, I just...I don't know, WANT HELP!
I keep going to a DID message board and I've been going for quite a few months and it's taken me this long just to introduce myself. Then I had to leave. My alters do not want me going there, well, mostly Bad Angel. He even wants me to get off the computer. I don't think he wants me to heal. It threatens him for some reason.
I know Jonathan is an alter, because I can "feel" him inside and sometimes I almost switch into him. Harry is an alter too for the same reason and I've had him for awhile (about 5 to 6 years).
I want to talk about how I came to be this way. I remember talking to myself and making stories in my head after reading the Harry Potter books. Then one voice, in my head, answered back. I had gotten in contact with my first alter. I named him Harry Potter, and he's been Harry ever since. I didn't know he was an alter, I didn't know what he was. I just knew that someone was in my head. He was very helpful, loving and caring and he was my primary alter for about 5 years and we worked on healing. Lazarus Long was another one, and he was an adviser and friend. I had other people in my head but it was primarily me talking to myself. Only after I moved to Athol, did my other alters show up and most of them had their own names. Roxy popped up, Shadow, Angelo, Val, who is a caregiver and very nice though annoying, he keeps reminding me to do self-care, and Reggie, who is my rage. Later, Jonathan showed up, and Jon and also JST, along with Angel, Bad Angel, Guardian Angel, who protects the Littles and showed up recently, and also Joel. Then my teens popped up, that was soon after the move. First, there Water Lily, who at one time was also Phoenix. Then Eva. There are others, teens and adults who are not popped up right now, but pop up when they need help or I need help.
Sometimes it's fun having alters you can talk to, but most of the time it's hard, because we all have issues and we're all healing and sometimes we hurt each other even though we love each other and want all of us to heal and integrate.
Well, gotta get off now, Reynold popped up and doesn't like me on the computer talking about this. So, I'll go for now and come back when he's better.

Thursday, July 5, 2007 0627

Thursday, November 1, 2007

This has definitely been a healing journey for me. I decided to go back home to Todd and be with him and the kids. Along the way, which was horrendous, I picked more people in my head. Some fictional, some real but they're all me. Body memories galore, a lot of emotional trauma, and I didn't think I could make it. I was really dissociated and out of my head most of the time, but I did finally make it. Sometimes these new people turn on me and I get depressed and suicidal, sometimes they're full of love which makes it hard to leave them alone since I'm desperate for it. Either way, I will do my best to get better and make my children and Todd happy.
The good news is, I'm here, I'm strong, I'm trying to love myself and love my parts and I mean to keep healing. That's it for now, talk to ya' later.

Monday, September 24, 2007 1244

Well, life has not been a garden path, coming up roses for me. Let me explain.
First, I left the kids and came to Oklahoma, but nobody knows why I left the kids, so I'll give some background information.
I was severely abused, right? Right! I have two autistic children, and an extremely stubborn, but smart, though selfish, daughter. Plus, I myself, have autism. That's enough to wear down a person, isn't it? Well, no. because there's more. I came down with something back in 1996 that I thought was cancer. Todd and the doctors said, "No, it can't be." Despite the fact that both my aunts have cancer, my grandmother has cancer, and my own mother died of lung cancer. So, it can't be. Yeah right *sarcasm* So, I've been ignoring it while being worried and making decisions based on the fact that this thing could kill me. Now, here's where it gets interesting.
I divorced my husband in 1992, or 93. I did that because we couldn't stop fighting all the time and it was hurting everyone. But, we had a pretty amicable divorce. Then, when he left for Germany and I got sick I thought I'd never see him again and that the kids would be left homeless once they lost their mother. So, I asked him to remarry me and he did.
Then when the kids and I get to Germany to be with him I found out a few little things about Todd that I won't go into. Let's just say he was on the internet and not necessarily doing anything illegal, just not moral. Anyway, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life! And I couldn't leave him because I thought I had cancer and I didn't know what to do, so I considered suicide. I cut my wrists (not too deep) with a knife and when Todd asked me about it I told him what I had done. Then, get this, the next day (no lie) he asked me if I wanted to go birdwatching with him and I said no. Well, he left without me. And so, I tried to commit suicide again, this time by using ice-cubes to numb my wrists so I could cut deeper. I did go deeper, but not enough. Well, Todd came back and saw what I had done, and told me I needed therapy. I told him that the reason I wanted to die was because of what I had seen on the computer. He promised he would never do it again, but that I had to get therapy.
Well, I had a friend who had been in therapy, her name is Marion. Prior to this incident with knives and ice-cubes, she told me she was a survivor of sexual abuse. I said I was too but that I had gotten over it. And I felt sorry for her because she hadn't gotten over hers. Well, I told her what Todd had done and my suicide attempts and she agreed with Todd, I needed therapy. And, until I could get into therapy she agreed to help me. Now, this all took place in October, which is the month my mother died and is a hard time for me. I'm suicidal, ummmm...Patrick is not doing okay, he has an abusive German teacher, I'm handling Dewane and Karon and Todd suddenly has to go TDY (temporary duty assignment). I asked him if he could get out of it because of all the problems we were having and he said no. So, he went. And left me with the kids and only Marion for help. OH! And a car with no brakes. That's right, he left before fixing the car. So, I was driving around rural Germany in a car with no brakes and I call Todd and ask him to please find a way to come back and fix it and he says, "No." So, I decided to do what my Mother would do and fix the damn car myself. So, I went and bought brake pads and proceeded to get under the car (I managed to get off the old brake pads but I had a HELLUVA time getting the new ones on.) No worry, I had a neighbor who was German but spoke proper English (she was married to an Englishman), her name was Marianne and she saw me under the car and the mess I was in and said in a loud British voice, "Kelly! There are just some things women were never meant to do!" My response to her was, "Bullshit! Don't let my Mother hear you say that."(Mother was a truck driver, amongst other things). So, Marianne got her husband Dennis and together, he and I changed the brake pads. Marianne kept trying to get me to stop but I felt guilty about letting him do it by himself. And of course, my kids got to go over to Marianne's house and play with her kids and eat lots of British candy, though I told her not to give them any because I didn't think it was right to eat candy as a snack. Oh Well! I'm not British and don't wanna be, bad teeth and bad food. Oh, when Todd got back from his trip, my British friends came to my aide and made sure I was not alone again without help. I don't remember, but I think Dennis had a talk with Todd and leaving a woman stranded. And, I got my first taste of British tea. It was okay, but even though I couldn't say it to them, I don't like tea.
Anyway, back to the original topic. Before Todd got back, Marion, my survivor friend had loaned me tons of material on being a survivor. I read it all and started reading the Courage to Heal. And realized I was in the Emergency Stage, and Todd had made it worse. I couldn't clean and all I could do was journal and read stuff on sexual abuse.
Todd was gone and I couldn't talk to Marianne about this stuff, so I turned to Marion and she got me through the Emergency Stage by letting go of the little stuff and worrying about the big stuff, which was taking care of the kids and myself.
I started therapy in 1999 and did a lot of talk therapy about the stuff I remembered. I did a group that year and felt so much better talking it out with other survivors. I wrote my story of what I remembered of the abuse and that was really hard and oh! Todd volunteered for a TDY while I was writing my story because he didn't want to be around me. That hurt, let me tell you.
In some ways I got better, in other ways worse. I was doing better emotionally since I was in therapy, but I found my body was getting sicker. I was sleeping a lot and always felt tired. I didn't know what to do. On top of that I was home-schooling Patrick because I couldn't get anywhere with the schools. His teacher was too abusive and the administrators took her side.
Finally, it was decided we would move back to the states. I wanted all of us to go to North Carolina, so we could get support and help for Dewane, for his autism. Todd ended up getting orders to Virginia, and I decided I didn't care, I was going on to N.C. So we went to N.C. and bought a house and Todd went on to VA and came to see us on the weekends. It was hard, I was sicker, couldn't go to therapy and on top of it, the rose garden I had thought was there wasn't there at all. The schools were too wedded to the idea of segregation for autistic children and there were no support services. It got really bad for Dewane, so I ended up homeschooling him. Meanwhile, I wasn't even dealing with my abuse issues.
Todd finally got out of the Air Force, and got a job in Massachusetts. We moved up there and were barely there a year when the shit hit the fan. I was obsessed with something and I didn't know why.
Now, I know this sounds crazy, but remember, I come out of abuse, sexual, mental, physical and emotional, and some of it in the beginning was ritualistic. I won't go into details, that would be graphic and horrifying but, and especially, the ritual abuse, really sparked my obsession with Harry Potter and later, Jonathan Scott-Taylor. Here's what happened in 2001.
to be continued...