Always And Forever
Always and forever will I remember that night
feelings full of fright,
wanting to scream,
but my voice won't come.
I wanted it special
not like that, but
always and forever
I'll remember that night.
Nightmares
nightmares in the night
you wake up shaking
filled with fright
you try to sleep but it won't come
you think its the end
but healing's just begone.
That Night
it was a few months ago
the night I was lost
it happened so fast,
but healing is so slow.
I though I was fine
but that was only for a little time.
that night, that night,
that awful night
will I ever get passed that night?
The Story I Know So Well
Pain and suffering
inside and out
every time I look at you
my world goes black.
Pain and suffering
because I said no
I didn't want to date you
but you just don't understand no.
Pain and suffering
tears through the night,
shaking with fright
then remembering its real.
Pain and suffering
living isn't the same
always a chill
with only you to blame.
Pain and suffering
is what he caused
to me and my body
what a lost cause.
Pain and suffering
is it for real?
Will it last forever,
is that part of the deal?
Pain and suffering
as bad as I hurt
I know it much end
and then I can say
I am a survivor.
The Blur
I don't remember much of that night
I remember drinking too much
then it all becomes a blur
I was in the room on a bed
he was on top of me
ripping off my clothes my only reaction
was to play dead.
Many things he made me do
but through it all I could only think of you
everyone who loved me
how I wished they were near
as tears went down my cheeks
I shivered with fear.
On and on the torture went
he continued to abuse me
until he had his fill
after him came another
trying to do the same thing
Suddenly I hit me this is real
luckily the second didn't succeed
someone stopped him
it turned out that person was me
but I still feel hurt, and feel the pain
once was more than enough
to make that night a blur.
Strangers In The Dark
Were you ever afraid of the dark?
Since I was a young child
I always have been.
I always think there is
someone lurking around
who wants to hurt me.
I see shadows on the wall
and noises from the hall.
I'll admit i'm scared of
strangers in the dark.
Don't Turn Out The Light
don't, please leave it on
i'm just not ready
i'm not that strong.
don't tough that knob,
pleas I beg you
leave it on.
I'll feel much safter
please so I can
sleep much better
please I beg you
don't turn it off
I can't be left alone
not with myself
I don't ask much of you
just please don't turn out the light.
Just Do It
take something you don't really like
break it,
now take something you cherish
break it,
how do you feel?
Why did you do that?
Did it hurt more to break something
you loved
or something you hated?
Look at the things you broke.
Do you feel any pain?
Do you think you deserve any blame?
Now pretend you are the broken pieces
how do you feel?
who do you hate?
what did you do to deserve what happened.
Imagine you feel betrayed,
angry, and very confused
you think its your fault,
you get the blame
you didn't do anything
just the wrong place at wrong time
remember don't just do it
think about who you will hurt
remember why you want to do it
how you would feel if it happened to you
if it would hurt you then
just don't do it
Listen To Me
pinch yourself
did it hurt?
why did you do it
b/c I said to?
now do it again
keep on hurting yourself
never stop
feel the pain you caused
don't stop
I listened to you
this is what I felt
so now its your turn to
listen to me.
The Enemy
The enemy is ugly
the enemy is mean
the enemy just won't let me be
wherever I go
whoever I see
the enemy is always lurking
just behind me
I sleep and wake up
but its still here
for years the torture occurred
until I suddenly realize
the enemy is me
After
after it happened I read a lot,
I read about what many other people went through
some people completely abstained from sex,
whereas others then felt they were worthless and had sex with anyone,
I often wondered which road I would take,
looking back I would say I took neither,
I pushed loved ones away so they wouldn't feel my pain,
I wanted them to know and comfort me a million times,
but yet they still don't know,
what I would have done for a hug and to hear them say
"it will be all right"
ask my friends and they will agree,
I change my mind so often, that I never fall in love,
I second guess my instincts all of the time,
I want love, but never let it happen,
I'm afraid that if I fall in love,
if I have sex I will go through the same emotions of detaching myself,
if I even think about it, I start to have those feelings of numbness,
I hate that feeling of disgust, it makes me shudder,
I am scared to take either of those roads, so
this ways bye pushing others away I don't have to feel,
I don't have to let my heart heal,
and learn to love,
I am not happy this way,
but at least I don't hurt as much as I would,
I don't have to feel those things,
I know someday I will have to deal with those feelings,
but as much as I wish I was I know I am not near ready yet,
I am currently deciding if I want to go out with someone,
but a simple decision turns out to be so hard,
he once tried to kiss me, and I wanted to puke,
pictures flashed through my mind,
and I had to turn away,
I don't know what I will do,
or which road I will end up on,
I just hope, what ever road I take,
I don't live to regret it.
What If
what if I do fall in love,
and we do have sex,
will it be sex,
or making love,
would I enjoy it,
or would I regret it,
would we become closer,
or fall apart,
would others see the difference?
would we feel the same,
would I go insane,
or would I be ok,
could I deal with that,
could he,
would we do it again,
or only once?
would others think bad of us,
what would our parents think,
how would my friends act?
how many months would it take,
and where take place,
as of now, these are all just,
what if's
Deep Dark Secrets
do you have a deep dark secret,
something that only one or none people know,
it could be anything, or nothing
depending on who you ask,
how does it make you feel,
excited, upset, ashamed?
My deep dark secret is
something that only my best friend knows,
it was something big,
she would agree with me on that,
it makes me feel many things,
I feel ashamed, hurt, but strong.
deep dark secrets are secrets for a reason,
think about how you would or
the person with whom's secret you know,
would feel if others found out,
how would they react,
would they feel relief or the world ending?
If others found out the secret,
how would they react?
Would they see you or that person differently?
What would they feel,
is it even important to them?
I wonder,
deep dark secrets are funny things,
so important to some, but
nothings to others.
When Morals Die
I used to have all of these expectations
I though I would always have great grades
run every year, eventually earning me a scholarship,
have sex after marriage or at least after falling in love,
never thought I'd cheat or lie,
drinking was wrong, drugs the worst possible sin,
suddenly one day realizing your morals must have died,
along the way the gradually faded far away,
until one day no lie, no longer seems wrong,
doesn't matter anymore who you hurt,
but with each little lie a part of you dies,
until nothing is wrong, & nothing is right,
at this rate, some day all of your morals will have died.
Loneliness
it tares you apart
I feel so alone
my life is a joke
no one cares
no one knows
sleepless nights &
heartless days
happiness comes & goes
but it never stays
your all alone
loneliness
Listening
listening to a friend
tell stories of her life
realize you know
exactly what she's saying.
Everything you understand
its your life up & down,
hearing things you
never knew, were true
thoughts in your head
memories of words said
things done,
gestures made,
a millions feelings
never felt,
seeing all she went through
and how strong she now is,
all this learned bye
listening to a friend
Shame
looking into your eyes
lies, lies, lies
all of the lies
between us.
Shame washed over us
our looks part
you never will know
the truth behind my eyes
all you'll ever see
is the lies
when you look into my eyes
I Wasn't
I wasn't mad at her
she just wouldn't understand,
men hadn't abused her
the way I realized they had
all of my life
I couldn't talk to her
I wanted to be alone
to be how I felt
scared & ashamed.
Guys don't respect me
way should they
when I can't respect myself.
I let them use me,
and abuse me
walk all over me, &
hurt me in every way
I let it happen everyday
at school at work
it never hurt
if I thought it was in all fun.
It hurts to think about it
will it happen again
how can I trust
how can I learn
if they all did it
will someone else too
she just won't understand
that the reason I can't
talk to her
if she were to laugh
or pretend she understood when she
didn't, it would be
worse then being alone,
at least if I was alone only I
would judge myself
not anyone else
b/c it will happen again,
even if I don't know when
she just won't listen
but I wasn't made at her
I promise I never was,
I never was mad.
A Daze
sitting in class
my minds in a daze
people are talking
some are laughing
teachers teaching
its all the same
bells rings
we switch from class to class
soon the day ends
practice is over
time for homework
tv is on,
I'm not watching
everything that happens
is far away
my world is a daze
Inside
numbness & emptiness
is what I feel inside
escaping from all the world
to a calmer place
not feeling
not healing,
just barely living
totally exhausted
body about to give up
no thoughts
just being where I am
w/o ever being there
numbness & emptiness
is what I feel.
If You Want To Know Me
hear what I don't say
see what I don't do
look when I look away
stay when I say go away
read the words I never write
listen to the words I say at night
feel the things I won't
heal the wounds I can't heal
interpret actions of mine
if you do all this
you will know whats going on in my mind
Sigh,
I love my friends
I really do
I just hate feeling
this way
wouldn't you?
Their really great
not filled with hate
they cheer me up
when I'm down
its just their not
always around
I love them,
really I do,
I just hate feeling
this way,
I really do.
She Is So Wrong
I hate it when my mother criticizes other people,
when she talks about teen mothers,
or girls who date people of other races,
that could be me,
I see nothing wrong with those pictures,
she acts like she is perfect,
but I do not believe that is so,
those people did nothing wrong,
if that were me is that how she would feel,
how can I tell her if she acts this way,
I believe she is wrong,
but I'll never tell her, until its too late.
What They Say
I used to think that high school was the best time of your life,
and if it is then I am beyond scared,
b/c right now I hate my life,
I hate how I feel, and what I have to deal with,
I hate to think this is the happiest I will ever be,
b/c if that is true, then I can predict one simple thing,
my life is always going to suck,
how much worse can it get,
that really makes me wonder,
well that is only what they say,
high school is the best time of your life,
yea that makes me laugh
Layers On Top Of Layers
with each pound I gain
I lose another part of myself
its easier to hide
it doesn't show the blame,
to lose the weight
would be letting go,
finally healing, healing slow,
I hate the fat
I can't stand the pain
I won't go on living
not feeling this way
I want to be thin
but then it could happen,
it could happen all over again
I would once more die,
one more time be forced to lie,
I wonder if I lose the weight
will I find myself or
just lose the rest of me
Even If You Don't Know It
rape affects you in many ways
ways you don't even realize
months may go bye
before you know what you are missing
weak is how I feel
emptiness inside is no big deal
blame will not go away
instead those feelings grow everyday
parts of me accept the hurt,
but most deny it
it affects you in every way
even if you don't know it.
Pettiness
their petty worries
it makes me laugh
don't compare to mine,
my hair is a mess,
my boyfriend never talks
oh boo hoo
I certainly don't feel bad for you
I worry over bigger things
don't tell them to me
I really don't care about
your petty worries.
I'm Not Hurting You On Purpose
its hard to lie
it hurts me so much
i'm saving you the pain
and adding to mine
don't get angry
its better this way
you don't need the pain
thats all the truth brings
it hurts me to lie,
but telling the truth
would be to die
Dead
dead on the inside
while still smiling out
crying at night
but only where you don't see
looking at the ground
so you don't see
the light in my eyes has vanished
trying to hide the pain my life brings
the hate & confusion that is always here
my whole world is ending
but I have no one to blame
I'm dead on the inside
oh what a shame
if this keeps on
I will not only be dead on the inside,
but the outside as well
Look At Me
look at me and what do you see.
do you see someone who is hiding,
dying to be set free?
look at me and what do you see.
a girl in denial of what she shall be,
a transparency in a busy world?
look at me and what do you see.
do the lies show upon my face?
is the hurt obvious?
look at me and what do you see.
who is that person you think you see?
look deeper look into me.
look at me and what do you see.
if you really look at me,
what do you see?
Go Ahead
hurt me
molest me
tear my world apart
spread lies about me
stab my soul
haunt my very being
rape my body
taunt me with your eyes
touch me as you please
purposely make me cry
get me drunk
manipulate my feelings
strangle my self-esteem
just go ahead and try
bastard
go ahead and try again
it won t work
but
go ahead
Lies From The Inside Out
outwardly I try to remain calm
I paint a picture of falseness
the pain and the heartache
is hidden away
deep depression and suicidal
thoughts seep in
a smile through my tears
crying in my soul
useless and empty
lies don t show this
outwardly you don t see
the me in me
Depression
a scary word
an awful feeling
hopelessness and despair
razor sharp cutting
through the seeping
pain, dark blots on
my soul, bleakness
unimaginable and incurable
worse than can be sensed
A Monster From Hell
nostalgia was once home
to an evil, sick, being
he hunted out weaknesses
in the disguise of a friend
brought down self-esteems
hurt unconditionally
destroyed lives and
altered the future
dismissed any hope of love
from his victims eyes
abused and raped their very souls
even when physically gone,
he never left
the monster continued to torture
nightmares, flashbacks, depression
visions of the haunting hell monster
nostalgia will always be remembered as
the home of the monster from hell
5 Years
tortured
stared at
tricked
put down
scared
innocent
tainted
sickened
weakened
denied
touched
hurt
lessened
angered
lost
distanced
confused
stripped
Burning Eyes
sting my soul
twist my stomach
with one look
lick your lips
smile sickly
with that look
disgust
wrong feelings inside
with one look
steal my innocence
touch my leg
with that look
sick fucking bastard
in front of your kids
with that look
burn their spirit
ruin all of our lives
with one look
Your Mistake
ruined my life
hurt my family
caused rumors to fly
made me cry
my friends ran away
I left my home
grew up quicker
gave up a senior year
depression burned my soul
filled your children with lies
embarrassed me
last 5 years
put your kids in therapy
abandoned your wife
killed her trust
murdered your father
made me that slut
you the man
your mistake
yours yours yours
Your Crime
telling me stories
making me laugh
feeding me beer
kissing my neck
moving your hands
caressing me all over
lower and lower
not hearing no
abusing my weaknesses
removing my clothes
entering without permission
ignoring tears
grabbing my arm
harder and harder
hurting me
blaming me
tricking me
confusing my memory
doing it again
pretending I started it
feeding me more liquor
lying, lying, lying
your crime
sick fucker
twice my age
your crime
Betrayed
once a friend
now an enemy
I trusted you
believed in you
denied any wrong in you
a second father/uncle to me
all the while
being betrayed
no knowing
what you had in mind
slowly tricking me
telling your friends about me
acting like you cared
until it happened
listening to my cries
seeing I was weak
I often couldn t speak
no I said softly
but you didn t care
I was betrayed
Ignorance
I say you high
but still I smiled
went on a walk
while we talked
a kiss here and there
you pulled me in the woods
didn t listen to me
raped me
smiled
kissed me
I saw you again
didn t stop you
though it hurt
again and again
I denied it was wrong
didn t believe
ignorance was what
I was
If I Had Listened
I would have never snuck out
or drank
falled for kevin
believed in scott
the voice in my head was right
if I had only listened
I would not have been raped
three times
Someday
one day he will get the punishment
he has earned so well
the trouble he caused
the pain
will backfire
3 times worse on him
the lies, pain, violence
all will conquer him
someday
The Wave
I feel it coming
the minutes before a storm
darkness
sadness
overwhelming
a cloud of depression
everywhere
happiness in the distance
can not be seen
only darkness
To
to see you die
to hit you
to scream
to make you see
to shoot you
to strangle you
to shout
to just
to misuse your trust
kill your security
hurt the ones you love
to force you the truth
Silent Pleas
no
please
I have to go
STOP IT DAMMIT
she will be home soon
its getting late
please
FUCK OFF
silence
silence
defeat
LEAVE ME ALONE
mommy, daddy
someone help
tears
NO
disgust
denial
repulsive
HELP ME
I m only 15
ew gross
no
GOD
I hate me
its my fault
I m dirty
I AM SCARED
forget it
it didn t happen
I caused it
WHY ME
I am nothing
fat, ugly, stupid
a whore
SCOTT
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
Even In My Sleep
I can never escape
the fears, tears
will never leave
every night I go
to sleep
only
to be raped
again
over and over
everywhere
anywhere
it doesn t matter
its impossible
to be free
freedom will
never come
I can never escape
what you did to me
Alone
alone
scared
crying
longing for
an innocent
touch
a friend
that won t come
never
always I will be
alone
Mixed Signals
all I wanted was a friend
a person I could trust
talk to and love
a place to go and be free
be happy
feel secure
see the affection I was missing
I did not ask for the rest
the abuse, the lies
my self-esteem killed
the rape, confusion
pain
all I wanted was a friend
Lost
an innocent first kiss
a sweet loving boyfriend
4 years of high school bliss
time with my family
the feeling of puppy love
a cup overflowing with trust
a belief in the goodness of mankind
happy memories of my adolescence
so much
so much
so much
The Girl
weak
a lonely pushover
longing for attention
anyone to notice her
good or bad she didn t care
scared
she was blind
oblivious to the crimes
the touches
the looks
the drinks she was fed
drunk in shame
manipulated into guilt
pretending it was all good
not believing it could happen
the line wouldn t be crossed
confused
just a child
weak
Heaven
a simple hug
an innocent kiss
a loving feeling
completely trusting
safe
confident
the magic of fate
destiny
faith
a hand to hold
a heart to touch
eyes that caress
a perfect love
A Change
happiness with in
a sense of peace
truth of myself
confidence and ease
so far from the past
a separate life
from what once was hate
disgust and fright
lies, a black heart
death wishes
a change
Lost
while I was gone
enemies of mine conspired
spread rumors and lies
disguised as friends
tried to pretend they cared
insulting and judgmental
critical and hypocritical
believing themselves to be god
stating I am selfish
that I betray friends
harassing me
an antagonist in disguise
stealing my friends
who needs enemies
with friends like that
Allusions
roses, how sweet
a letter what a treat
criticism, lies
sick betrayal
the end
allusions
Trapped In
stuck in a box
an empty cave
a pit of darkness
a narrow jail cell
drowning underwater
searching for a light
an end to a light
an end to a tunnel
a hand to pull me out
the door to open
to be let out
free from hell
no longer trapped
in ignorance
The Anniversary Night
crying driving blindly
letting the rain sink in
burning with pain
filled with desire
longing for forgiveness
hating myself fiercely
viewing violent flashbacks
yet shaking and numb
god is crying
because I can t
wondering will the pain
of two and one years ago
ever end, ease up
maybe even disappear
hoping the day will come
when I eventually find love
honest, true, open and clean
many thoughts, fears
all coming back on
my anniversary night
Ignorant Bliss
druggie who barely speak English,
bitchy county teachers who are blind,
drop outs all around, joke, laugh, obnoxious,
administrators trained for losers,
folks who could not spot intelligence even if
it slapped them repeatedly in the face.
Facts I learned in kindergarten.
More knowledge in my little finger than in
their entire combined mutilated bodies.
Seeking help praying for wisdom in a
whirling storm of ignorant bliss.
One In Four
one in four women are raped.
how can we go on
living in this hate?
a rape is not just a
stubbed toe,
rape causes pain
that lasts a lifetime.
Wake Up America!
look at what is going on!
One day it could be you,
your daughter, wife, mother
would you consider them guilty?
In this country
a rapist is innocent
until proven guilty,
whereas the victim is guilty
until proven innocent.
Is a child to blame?
A woman who went to a bar alone?
Do two wrongs make a right?
Stop blaming women,
hurting innocent people.
Do something!
Talk about rape.
Let the pain and violence end.
Stop the vicious cycle of hate!
Rape is about power,
not sex.
Do not let the next victim
be you.
For goodness sake it happens to
one in four
Guilty Conscience
it started with a look,
then a touch,
first a kiss,
then another,
and another,
icky thoughts
the other girl
the real girlfriend
which isn t me
was it wrong
a desire,
a feeling of trust,
interest, love
so pure but always tainted
guilty thoughts
kiss, hug, innocent kiss
again and again,
so kind and loving
however wrong
but what a storm
comes from first
the look
Never Ending
too kiss forever,
hug and stay in your arms,
cuddle and sleep,
dreams of us,
a spark with in,
never wanting to end
Almost But Not Quite
I almost have you,
so close but so far,
two steps forward,
one step back,
I can touch you,
reach out to you,
but your too far away,
I try harder,
climb faster,
still you are a mirage,
when I think I have you,
you just get farther away,
come close and push me away,
turn away,
look back,
a roller coaster ride,
up and down,
I almost have you,
but not quite
Unraveling
stuck in a cocoon,
trapped in side,
trying to shed my skin,
smothering to death,
no escape,
scared, breath quickening
pushing and pulling,
nothing helps,
rolling, crying, dying,
alone, screaming,
no one hears,
the outside world goes on,
while I die,
not a soul notices,
a caterpillar trying to emerge,
an ugly ducking wishing,
a butterfly, swan,
the world won t see,
strangled to death,
an ugly shell,
maybe someday,
society will find the remains,
of what could have been,
a soaring butterfly,
beautiful swan,
that died,
was never let out,
unraveled within
One Bruised Soul
open me up,
what would you find?
tears, scars, cuts,
holes, empty spaces,
proof of the pain,
the slaps,
the abuse,
the lies,
the hurt,
where is the love?
the happiness,
the security,
the peace,
the sparkle,
it was torn out,
again and again,
stomped on,
and ripped out,
never given a chance to heal,
stolen at a young age,
never returned,
all that remains,
one bruised soul
Am I?
I wonder,
am I still alone,
traveling aimlessly,
lost,
confused,
destined to be this way,
which is the mirage,
where is the truth?
are we really together?
or miles apart?
does he feel like I do?
am I right?
am I wrong?
I know I am confused,
but what else am I,
will I find the answer,
questions keep coming,
am I,
am I in love?
is it real?
will everything work out?
am I?
Lord, am I?
Why
what is wrong with me?
why did I fall for him so hard?
how did I wind up to be this naive?
what happened to my resolution?
where did my love for myself go?
what did I do to deserve this much pain?
was it something I said?
did I do something wrong?
is this my punishment?
God tell me why
I have never in my life felt so much,
so much pain and self-hatred.
it was me this time,
I decided to let it happen
. why, why am I such a wimp?
where are my true friends when I need them?
how did I end up like this?
will my dreams ever come true?
am I destined to suffer pain forever?
will I ever meet someone who truly cares?
is there a man out there for me?
if so help me find him.
I know what I have yearned for,
I know what I have dreamt,
love is what I have always searched for.
why do I feel so much?
will this pain end?
should I leave?
should I stay?
what should I do?
why, why, why?
Lord why?
Myself
evreytime I think I am strong,
someone knocks me down.
why did that person have to be him?
how did I let this happen to myself?
can I sink much lower?
is there someone out there to help me out?
why do I do this to myself?
is this all my fault?
Lord, what have I done to myself?
my soul feels rotten,
my heart is broken,
black and soar,
my mind is lost,
confused, scared,
every part of my aches,
I am angry at every part of myself.
me and my stupid self
So Much
how does one look,
a slight touch,
even a thought,
cause me to feel so much,
my heart could explode,
the tiniest thing,
feels so immense,
for good or for bad,
more intense than I ever foresaw,
security in the night,
when I am with him,
nightmares when apart,
so much,
up and down,
like a yo-yo bouncing around,
unmovable obstacles,
barriers I can t touch,
walls beyond walls,
something I just can t understand,
so much I can t change,
sensing so much,
knowing the ghost is lurking,
trying to keep the good away,
so much pain,
so much love,
so much fear,
afraid to trust,
to believe,
to be hurt again,
I don t want to spend my life alone,
I want to be free,
even though I yearn,
love, pure, deep,
so much,
so so so much
Letting Go
giving my problems away,
submitting to god,
he can solve
everything I cannot,
bowing down,
admitting I cannot do it all,
presenting god with it all,
praying he can help,
hoping for the best,
searching for the answers,
confused, scared, lonely,
longing for a love,
slowing down,
allowing god to help,
trusting in faith,
knowing he can fix it all,
god I m trying my best at
letting go,
its so hard,
so hard,
however, I m sill working on
letting go
Confusion
I am so lost,
so far away from reality,
slipping into a dream world,
to a place free from pain,
a land without love,
no more heartaches,
stop the tears,
the regret,
the emptiness inside,
falling, falling down,
sliding farther away,
all alone,
scared and wishing,
praying for wisdom,
asking for help,
thoughts thundering around,
no one offers a hand,
I just die away,
the world goes on,
not a soul notices,
I am gone,
confused,
I am lost,
my faith is hurting,
my trust is burning,
my head is pounding,
fear, fear, fear they are right,
frightful I was used,
terrified to trust,
unable to hope,
alone, confused,
lost, lost, so lost
I Finally See
its all become so clear to me know,
why some people never date,
never take a chance to fall,
play it safe,
I wish I had not felt the power,
the fullness of love,
its enticing, urging feeling,
not seen it in his eyes,
I wish to forget the pain in my heart,
the moment we were one,
changed me so much,
my first time, chosen,
I don t know which him was with me,
I understand the evils of it,
the confusion, pain, loss it brings,
helpless, I can t change him,
what can I do,
just wait and see,
I took a chance,
followed my heart,
is it for the best,
will I see,
I finally see, but
its not what I want to see,
I want to see what I have always yearned for.
I Cannot Describe
I have no idea how it happened,
how suddenly I was in love,
my knees grew weak,
my heart pounded,
my breath quickened,
I feel heaven in his arms,
with him I can t describe the bliss,
the power, of one touch,
one look, one thought,
stirs the very depths of my soul,
I want to be near him always,
I can t explain why,
I know him, and love all I know,
I want to know more,
and always have him there by my side,
I want all I can and can t even describe.
What If I Stumble
if I fall will you help me up?
or will you pass me by?
will you stand by my side no matter what?
do you promise to always stay?
will your love for me die?
can I trust you?
should I let myself love you?
would you ever hurt me?
can I believe you won t cheat on me?
how can I know?
will you always show your love for me?
if I mess up will you still stand by me?
is your heart true?
are you telling me the truth?
am I who you were meant to be with?
what should I do?
will you always listen?
will you speak only truth to me?
what happens if I stumble?
Pain Go Away
why won t the memories leave me?
how come it is so hard to trust?
why can t I open my heart?
will these fears ever disappear?
should I still be scared?
why do I still hate my body?
how come I can t view him like I should?
why do these awful thoughts creep in?
is he loving the real me?
or does he only love what he sees and gets from the outside?
why do I need a man to feel safe?
while at the same time being so scared?
how does a creature who tore my world apart become who I am seeking?
why can t I just trust in you lord?
how can I make these memories fade away?
erase these scars from my heart,
take the black blame and regret away,
help me believe again,
I want to be free,
pain please go away
Sticky Situations
I never meant for this,
I didn t know about her when I fell for you,
I couldn t forget my feelings once I knew,
I don t mean to be selfish,
I have never felt the way I feel for you,
I see her and am confused,
I look at you and search,
I search for the love you claim,
I beg for the answer,
I can only accept the truth,
I don t want to bear more pain,
I only want to be with you,
I don t mean to hurt her,
I hate pressuring you,
I know its not fair to any of us,
I love you,
I despise this sticky situation,
I only want to be with you,
I am sorry we are here,
I am sorry you have to choose,
I do not want to regret loving you,
I only want to be happy with you,
I am ashamed of this situation,
I am not ashamed of you or me,
I just dislike this sticky situation
Which Road
where do I go?
should I stay?
let go?
follow someone new?
fall in love again?
be open to this pain?
give up the past?
stay single forever?
forget these feelings ever existed?
which road?
I m Doing It
all I said I couldn t stand
abandoning girlfriends
for heartbreaking guys
standing them up
trying to understand
all I feel inside
hating their hurt
refusing to acknowledge
I caused it
doing what I have
Tough Lessons
love stirs the most intense emotions possible
causes thunderstorms within
tears of happiness and sorrow
feeling so much more than I can handle
wishing life was simpler
gaining wisdom into a black whole
the mysterious world of relationships
scratches that never heal
wounds that seep in
deeper and deeper
confusion and storms
ripping my heart in two
throwing the severed pieces to distant galaxies
wailing with loss
forcing a smile
tough love lessons
Dreams
slipping and relaxing
fuzzy and frightful
confusing and loud
trapped and suffocating
lost and alone
screaming and crying
wishing and listening
pushing and pulling
working and running
giving up and starting again
circling and falling
rolling and tripping
hitting and kicking
biting and strangling
dying and living
reaching and striving
stepping and jumping
looking and searching
finally
waking and forgetting
Peachy Keen
time together,
kiss after kiss,
touching and snuggling,
all thought the night,
complete bliss,
laugh and joke,
smile and look,
love shinning out,
no fights,
just peachy keen
Good Intentions
strengthen a woman
allow children to grow
through hard times
separate closeness
wandering alone
growing strong
and finding a home
each meeting new loves
until the urge grows
they talk again
a long anticipated reunion occurs
they see both
need the space
each is better off
the pain led to good
all are forgiven
God had a purpose
to let loved ones fly
find peace and reunited
in peace and friendship
after seeing how far
their wings can spread
soaring and falling
learning and loving
Good intentions
Godly intentions
perfect intentions
New Planes
college and high school
lives are different
if one leaves and one stays
do they grow apart
one spreads its wings
other sits on its perch
they meet again
but can t relate
different levels
new planes
Secluded lives
living as a couple,
not much time for all else,
learning more each day,
missing old freedoms,
yet thanking for these feelings,
confused but content,
loved, yet alone,
narrow horizons,
yearning for too much,
wanting it all,
realizing sacrifices must come,
making the hard choices,
love or life,
trusting love,
surrendering it all,
allowing the feelings to grow,
giving it all you ve got,
loving every second of it,
praying it will never change,
respecting space,
living secluded lives,
secluded in love,
living secluded,
loving life
Complete
complete for once,
filled with a sense of security,
trust,
a need two be with him,
touching him,
filling an emptiness deep in my soul,
loving every second with him,
secures fears and nightmares,
flashbacks from the past disappear,
things no one understands,
except him,
what I ve yearned for,
drams about,
prayed and begged to feel,
to be one in two,
two in one,
two complete in one,
complete
Simple Pleasures
time with friends,
a peaceful walk,
being held all night,
a long desired letter,
enjoying the beauty,
God has provided,
witnessing couples,
in love,
sweet affectionate touches,
the sparkle in a child s eyes,
love from grandparents,
the power of the bible,
smell of fresh laundry,
taste of a cool drink,
rest from a long night of sleep,
being soar following,
a stress-relieving workout,
life, living, learning, loving,
simple pleasures
Two In One
our bodies touching
souls connecting
him inside me
pleasures flowing
uniting our love
working to please
praying it will last
fulfilling desires
smiling in and out
laughing and joking
comfortable together
kissing and caressing
cuddling and playing
crying with joy
making love
becoming two in one
First & Only
the first Christian guy
to ever look my way
to take my hand
and pray
no more fear
violence vanished
strangely safe
trusting and believing
dreaming at night
of you
living a fantasy
subconsciously scared
worried of cheating
of losing all I love
fearing the worst
believing in the best
my first love
Everything, But
all I feel is good
love flowing all around
however, something missing
I feel a wall
I cannot climb it
I can see over it
around it
through it
yet, we cannot surpass it
standing on opposite sides
stretching our arms
reaching, longing
praying and wishing
to be closer
loving the moments we touch
relishing every second together
missing him when he goes away
thinking of him everyday
its everything at times
I want it always
Hours Upon Hours
all the time
in the world
is not enough
for me to express
my undying love
every second
we touch
is electrifying
peace and sanctuary
all the time is heaven
Distant
I feel your love,
I see it in your eyes,
I want it always,
however something is not right,
I sense a problem
you are holding back
scared to let go
whatever fears are there
I don t know
I want to help
I want to see
I love you so much
you don t talk about the pain
but, I know it is there
the way you move
how you do everything
I know the enemy is lurking
let go of the pain
free yourself of the anger
come to me
let me love you
forget the ones who hurt you
grow stronger
allow our love to grow
come closer
love me like I love you
never let go
never ever let me go
When You Are Not Near
when I m all alone,
I wonder,
I think,
I fear,
I exaggerate how great it is to you,
I don t want you to know how it hurts,
how lonely it is to sit in my room,
not a single phone call,
forget an mail,
no one cares or even notices,
I could disappear,
they wouldn t see,
I felt like this before
but not when I am with you,
I detest every second away from you,
I cry in my dreams that you will appear,
I long for our souls to touch,
I love you so much,
I just need a me without you
Fleeting Moments
there are times
I have fun
I enjoy myself
and feel welcome
it seems people do care
life is good
then there are moments
I am so lonely it burns
I feel like I am invisible
no one knows
it is as if I could vanish
life is tough
there are instants
love overwhelms me
comfort takes a hold of me
I float on cloud nine
feel heaven surround me
life is beautiful
there are seconds
fear takes over me
horrendous memories flood
tears pour from my eyes
my heart ceases to beat
life is scary
there are days
I am on top
ruling the world
I could conquer all
I love me
life is power
there are nights
I dream of memories
friendships that were my world
losses I have suffered
when life has beat me
life is exhausting
there are minutes
God is with me
he is hugging me
comforting me
helping me along
life is holy
every day is different
some are tough
others are amazing
live each day
take that chance
love opportunities
life is short
Long Ago
a long time ago
someone stole my gift
they ripped my innocence away
brought fears and tears into my life
caused me to hate myself
to be anxious around others
trust was distinguished
nightmares filled me
guilt poured into my soul
loneliness enveloped me
hatred and anger caught hold of me
three awful men
altered my life
caused severe pain
hurt everyone I knew
tore my world apart
forced me to grow up fast
made it hard to love
taught me the pain of denial
painted my self image dirty
broke my soul
raped a kid
brought severe hardships to my life
affected year after year
impacted all aspects of my existence
challenged my faith in God
pushed me away from life
killed my happiness
long ago it happened
the pain lasts
so long ago I was hurt
Accept It All
how can you care so much?
what is it you see?
do you really mean it,
when you say I love You?
I know I do, but why?
What is here for you to love,
after all I have been through,
all I want to do is love you,
I love your smile,
I adore everything about you,
I want to truly know you
no one can see
how much I care
but you,
just you, I love you
you know it all
yet, you accept me
love me just as I love you
Communication
Communication is key,
I need you to talk to me.
Understand I will not judge,
I will never laugh.
I m thirsty for your thoughts,
please feel free to open up,
gibberish or nonsense,
I do not care.
I just want to hear,
religion, classes, jokes,
I am begging you,
please talk to me.
Open your heart,
to my love.
I m dying all alone,
please love me as I
love you.
All I Never Knew
Before I met you,
I imagined love was perfect.
There was not fighting,
we would just flow.
Yes, there were up s and downs.
Just, not so many.
I didn t realize it would tear me apart,
break me down,
make me cry,
hurt me deep down inside.
I couldn t see how hard it would be,
to get you to just talk to me.
I thought I would be the one
Holding Back,
Pushing Away,
it s not.
I don t know what to do.
I am passed my whit s end,
totally confused, and scared.
Afraid my ignorance will cost me,
all that I hold dear,
which is you.
You and only you
.
He Still Loves You
No, you are not perfect.
Yet, neither am I.
We make mistakes.
We learn, we grow.
Welcome trials,
shout for joy,
Jesus is working in you.
Yes, it s hard.
No, it s not easy.
The devil tempts us.
Frequently we fall.
He died for us.
We are forgiven.
Be thankful for his love.
No matter what we
think, say, or do.
The promise still exists.
Heaven is waiting,
dreams coming true,
eternal joy and peace,
him, me and you.
The Relationship
memories not forgotten
bruises I couldn t hide
lies that still haunt me
the many ways
you flaunt me
denying its true
still loving you
yet you hit me again
just to prove
you forever win
crying alone
living without you
growing strong
looking for true
honest love
Decisions
so many men
so little time
why can t I find one
I can call mine
all of the chances
many I meet
none meet the
standards I know
I must keep
use me, abuse me
throw me away
make me cry
a little each day
suffering in loneliness
yearning to be seen
wanting to be wanted
not in that way, I mean
loving myself
continuing on
trusting you are out there
somewhere I belong
until then I ll keep
living, making my
mistakes, giving what
I take
waiting for the one
All that I hate about you
I hate that I have been fighting depression for years because of what you put me through.
I hate that you made me cry and hurt so much that I have wanted to die.
I hate that I have hurt myself in enumerable ways in a feeble attempt to get rid of the
pain.
I hate that I have let men hurt and use me, since all I have ever known is pain.
I hate that I ve suffered in lonely isolation feeling completely alone for years.
I hate that I ve questioned myself, my values, my life, my purpose.
I hate that I ve allowed your seeping looks to make me feel disgusted with my own
body.
I hate that you have hurt more than jsut me, but my family and yours as well.
I hate that I lost contact with my best friends for over a year because of you.
I hate that I had to rearrange my entire life over you.
I hate that it s been years and I still cannot get over all the pain you put me through.
I hate feeling like I will never escape my past with you.
I hate that I still blame myself for what you put me through.
I hate that I have lots countless nights of sleep with nightmares of you.
I hate that I have to hate you.
I hate that I ever knew you.
I hate that memories of you are intertwined in my childhood.
I hate that I have never known true love because of you.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
