This is one of the most painful things I am having to do in my therapy. And at times it doesn't seem to be so bad compared to some of the other things in my life. At times I would trade that pain Iendured on April 21, 1998 for the pain and fear I feel now because I amhunted and tormented by another Uncle. I hate this so bad. I feel so alone, so helpless and so lost. Make it all stop!
It was April 15, 1998; I went out for my daily run. Things had gotten better at my home. My Dad pasted away on November 5, 1996 and my family had been scattered and kept their distance. We were allstarting to be a family again. My Uncle Harvey, My Uncle Derek, Nate, Jeff, Kimmy, Gretchen and myself, just one big happy family. Not that this in important to my story, but I feel the need to explain my family. We are not the normal nuclear family unit. (Whatever normal is!) My Uncle Harvey is my Dad's brother. My Uncle Derek is not blood related. He grew up in the house with me and was always around. Jeff was his younger brother and Nate was my other Uncle's son. So I see Jeff and Nate as my brothers not cousins. We grew up together. I am very family oriented. My family was everything. The one place I was always safe and always loved and excepted and in this cold, cruel world that is a hard thing to find. I was lucky to have such a wonderful loving family. Little did I know then that my world was to be shattered again and my idea about family and safety would be changed forever.
After my run I took my shower and dressed and then went to the kitchen and help Gretchen with breakfast. Gretchen came into our family when I was 5 as a housekeeper and nanny. I see her as my mom. The mom my own mom couldn?t be to me. I remember helping her set the table and us laughing and her scolding me about something she felt I shouldn't be doing. My Uncle Harvey was not feeling well so he wasn't going to join us at the table for breakfast. Uncle Derek was the first down that morning. He hugged me and kissed me on the lips lightly, which he hadn't done before. I brushed it off thinking nothing of it. I placed the food on the table with his help and then Gretchen told me to go to get Nate and Jeff W. for breakfast. I turned to go and Uncle Derek slapped my behind and told me to hurry up. I felt really uncomfortable and self-conscious at that moment.
We all sat down to breakfast and had out normal chatter once Kimmy joined us. Kimmy was engaged to be married to my Daddy when he died and I had been left in her custody. She had just had a baby, Mikey. We were eating and laughing. Uncle Derek leaned over toward me and reached for some food and brushed his arm against mine and smiled at me. His eyes seemed so different to me and there was a strange air about him. His touch made me shutter and I moved away from him. He asked if I was still going out that night and it would be taking my best friend home after the game that night. I told him yes and thought nothing of it.
The rest of my day went along as normal I went to the game that night and when I returned home I park in my driveway and walked next door with Leslie. I went inside with her to tell her mom hi and talk for a few minutes. Then left feeling happy as I crossed their driveway and stepped onto the small stones Daddy and I had put down to lead from Leslie's house to our house. We called it friendship lane. That happiness ended for me quickly, I felt someone grab me from behind and cover my mouth. I heard an unfamiliar voice tell me to shut up and behave. I struggled to get free and bite the guy and he let me go for a second and I started to run when another man came out of the shadows and grabbed me. They pushed me in a car by the curb. Why hadn?t I seen the car when I pulled in? I was pushed into the backseat on my stomach. One of the guys got in the back with me and the other got in front and drove us off. I was gagged and blindfolded. Everytime I raised my hands to take them off I was hit. So I quit. I remember listening to the things around me. Did you know when one sense is hindered others seem to work over time? I felt us turn off the farm road highway and onto a gravel drive and them come to a stop. I was pulled from the car by the arm and I could hear the sound of a neon sign above us. It makes a buzzing sound. It took me a while to figure out that is what I heard, but I did later. Once I was inside I was pushed down on the bed. I pulled the blindfold off and pushed the gag down and started screaming. There were three men in the room, one was by the window acting nervous, and he kept wringing his hands and looking out the window through the dingy drapes. He was a guy I had seen before with my Uncle Derek. The guy was my age and he was short with dark brown hair and green eyes. I had seen him at a party that Buddy; Leslie and I had gone to a couple of weeks before. The other two guys I had never seen before One was in his 40's with very dark skin and no hair. He had really dark shallow eyes. The third was another man in his late 20's of early 30's. He had lighter skin than the older guy did. He had blue eyes and really beat up hands. He had tattoos on his arms from shoulder to the wrist. On one arm it was a large snake, a cobra I think. The other arm had an Eagle and the shapes and colors under it. He sat down on the bed and the older man grabbed me and pushed me into the other's lap. Then he got a needle and shot me up with what I found out later was heroin. I started to feel dizzy and screamed again but this time I was pushed onto the bed and had someone's hand over my mouth. I remember the room spinning and the people looking fuzzy and things fading. But I could still hear things going on around me. I heard a banging; it sounded like thunder and then a lot of loud voices and scuffling.
I am not sure how I got in the green chair but when I awoke I saw that one of the guys, the youngest one was gone. I saw my cousin, Nate standing against the wall. He was buttoning his shirt and the oldestguy patted him on the behind. I blacked out again. I awoke in Nate'sroom laying on his bed with a blanket over me. I got up and my head was pounding and I felt like I wanted to throw up. I saw a light coming from the bathroom. I went and knocked on the door and Nate told me to go to bed. He said he would talk to me in the morning. He never did tell me what happened. I did learn two weeks later that he was raped by two of the men that abducted me.
I was home schooled and finishing up my schoolwork and getting my grades finished up. I went to take my SAT the next weekend. when I left I was stopped in the hall of the high school by my Uncle Derek. He grabbed my arm and took me into an empty room. I kept asking him what he was doing and to let me go. He told me there was no way he was gonna let me live and that he was going to show me I wasn't the princess my daddy made me believe I was. I was a CHEAP DIRTY WHORE just like my mother. He threatened me and again I was shot up with heroin. He had me scared that if I told, no one would believe me. I am not a dumb person and I have not been so easily intimidated before, not by an adult. I went home and tried to keep my distance from my Uncle. I spent a lot of time with my cousins, my best friend and my Uncle Harvey. I thought of telling my Uncle Harvey about the threats Derek had made, but changed my mind. Kimmy started talking about wanting to find somewhere else for me to live. My Uncle Harvey said he didn't want anything to tear our family apart. He said he had had enough of it with the loss of my father, and my Uncle Brian years before. And the recent murder of my Mom. That also made me feel guilty. I knew if I told of the things my Uncle Derek did and said I would be tearing my family apart and it would be my fault there was no more family unit.
On April 21, 1998 I woke up and went running. I did everything as I normally do, but I got bad feelings all day. I feared something and I didn't know what. I was getting strange looks from my Uncle Derek and I tried to stay clear of him. I spent a lot of time in my room. I took dinner to my Uncle Harvey in his room and walked through the bathroom to my room. I cleaned up and listened to music. You know normal everyday things we all do -- at least all teenagers do. I had turn 16 a month and a day earlier. I remember trying on some clothes I had gotten. I was going out with friends in a few nights and I wondered what I should wear. I took a shower and went to bed early. I made sure my door to the bathroom and the door to my Uncle Harvey's room from the bathroom was opened. He was in his bed on the phone talking to his girlfriend. I went across the hall from my room and told Nate goodnight. Of course he didn?t hear me with the headphones on his ears. But he did kiss me and hug me. I went to bed with the radio on as I usually did.
I was awaked by heaviness on me and I couldn't move. My room was so dark and the door to the hall was closed and the bathroom door was pushed closed halfway. I struggled against the weight that I had figured out was a man. I heard him speak and I was filled with fear and panic. My body tensed and I wanted to throw up. "Don't struggle there is no getting away from me. I just think you need to be taught that you are the same whore as both of your parents were. They never loved you. Your Mom was right to have nothing to do with you and show you no love. Your love killed you Dad and he loved you out of guilt. " I started telling my Uncle Derek that it wasn't the truth and he was wrong. I told him my Dad did love me and cancer killed him. He slapped me and then I felt the needle in my arm again. I felt the wave go through my body and started to cry. I stopped struggling then and he let up a little. He leaned down to me and licked me on the cheek. I remember it well! It was a slow lick with his whole tongue. I still feel it when I think about it. I cringed thinking of it and my skin crawls. I want to get away. I started to talk and he stopped me. "There is no denying me what is mine. I am gonna teach you to be a better whore. I am gonna teach you to fuck a man the way it should be. Get use to it, Chelsie, this is the way it always will be." My mind was racing. He called me Chelsie. I wasn't Chelsie. That was my Mom. I am Hope "Derek, I am Hope. Chelsie is dead." I pleaded hoping he would see I wasn't her and go away. He told me to shut up and told me he knew who I was. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and the light in Harvey's room was on now. So I had a stream of light coming into my room . I spoke louder. "Derek, don't do this. I am not Chelsie and I don't want any of this. No, Derek." He slapped me and the tears rolled down my cheeks as I screamed. I know Uncle Harvey could hear me. He will be in here any minute. I told Derek this and he laughed. I saw his eyes. They were dark and lifeless. He looked as though he wasn't there at all. He seemed to be possessed or someone else. I felt cold and hated to look at him any more I turned away and looked over at the clock.
He spit on my cheek and then licked my cheek again and pinned me under his weight. One of my arms was behind my back and it ached. He was so heavy and I couldn't move at all. He leaned down to me and I could smell his cologne and the cigarettes. I could smell the foul odor of alcohol on his breath. All of that scared me. I wanted to disappear and make this all go away. I kept trying to wake up. I hoped it was a dream and that I would wake up and be alone in my room. I closed my eyes tight trying to disappear. I hated all of this I felt so alone and so helpless. I screamed and he covered my mouth with his hand. He leaned in to my ear and talked in a gruff low voice. He seemed to not know where he was or who I was. "I love you, Chelsie. Why did you have to push me away and not treat me well? I could have given you everything, Love. I wanted to give you verything." "Derek, I am not?" "Shut up, Bitch." He said as he slapped me again. "I wish you weren't there that day. I wish you would have let things be. I wish you wouldn't have been there hurting Nate and trying to manipulate him and seduce him. Then I wouldn't have had a need to hurt you or to kill you." His voice was so distant and so dull. I was so afraid to move. I feared if I moved he would remember I was there. "You couldn't leave things alone. I told you the girl was fine to do as you wished with but not Brian's child. Not Nate, Hope was fine." I heard Uncle Harvey in his room and called to him. I heard Uncle Harvey in his room and called to him. I guess that was a mistake. Derek punched me in the stomach and then started kissing me hard on the lips. Harvey never came or anything. Derek pulled at my tank top and panties until he had me undressed. He punched me in the stomach again as he sat up and undid his pants.
The next thing I remember he was pushing my legs apart with his legs and laying his heavy arm across my throat. I could barely breathe. I remember the tears stinging my eyes as I felt the pain as he forced himself into me. He let out this groan and started licking me hard on the face again. "This is gonna be just like the last night we were together. You will like it and enjoy it or the same thing will happen in the end this time too. I will make sure you are unrecognizable and that I can put you in five places very far apart as I did before." I started crying and whimpering and I guess that made him mad. He hit me again as he continued forcing himself inside of me harder with more anger. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else. I tried to go far away. I tried to leave my body behind. I didn't seem to be able to and that hurt me. So I listened to the music but I couldn't make the pain stop, it hurt so badly, I just wanted to die. I felt faint and weak.
His words brought me back to what was going on, "I love you. That is why I am doing this to you. You are so dear to me and I want the chance to make you happy. You will be mine forever. There is no escape now. You belong to me, Chelsie." He stopped no I passed out. When I awoke I saw the clock. It was two hours later than the last time I saw the clock after I first felt the weight on my body pinning me to the bed.
I pushed his arm off of me slowing hoping to not wake him. I got up and got dizzy I hit the floor hard. I got up and darted for the door. He stopped me by grabbing me around the waist. He threw me on the bed on my tummy and pushed my face into the pillow. Again he pushed my legs apart with his. I pleaded into the pillow and cried. I felt as though I was going to die. I was hoping I would so that this would end. Then I felt him force himself into me. Now he was having anal sex with me. It hurt so bad I thought I was going to vomit. He only did a few hard painful thrusts and then shot me up again with heroin. After the needle was out of my body I heard Nate in my room. Nate chased Derek out of there and I sat in my bed and pulled my legs to my chest and rocked myself as I cried. Nate got clothes out my closet, helped me dress and then held me. He held me and I cried harder and harder. My whole body ached and I felt so sick. I want death to come and take me to my Daddy. I knew he would make it all better. I knew that was the only way I would get through all of this. I hated myself I felt so guilty. I hated him. My Uncle Harvey came in and saw Nate holding me. They got in a fight. I stood up to stop them and hit the floor. I hear Nate telling me to hold on that we were almost there. I heard him tell me I was gonna be ok and that he loved me. I wanted to sleep forever.
At the hospital they sent Nate home to get the clothes I had on and the sheets off of my bed. There were two cops sent into the room. One was female and one was male. The male stayed on the outside of the curtain and the female stood inside with her pad and pen in hand. I was asked to undress and lie back for my exam. I got questioned about my sex life. I didn't have one. I got questioned if I had a boyfriend. I didn't have one. I never had. I got questioned if I masturbated or came onto my Uncle. What do these questions have to do with the fact that he raped me? She questioned me as the doctor examined me. I ached and I hurt so badly. I remember crying and wanting so bad for someone to hold my hand and tell me it was over. I wanted to hear it wasn't my fault and that it would all be ok. I wanted my Daddy. I wanted Gretchen. Again I felt raped this time by the investigators. I hated this too. I was questioned a bit more and the woman seemed to shake her head at my answers. Every touch hurt so badly. I wanted it all to be over. I wanted to go home and go to bed. The lady cop asked me to tell her what happened. I told her bits and pieces. I got things mixed up and forgot some things and had to add them later. She asked me if I was making this up as I went along. Then the doctor asked me to get up and they were going to take pictures of the bruises and the cuts on my body. I was asked what I was wearing when he attacked me and if I somehow did anything to instigate the attack. She asked if my door was opened or closed. What did these questions have to do with anything? Would it have mattered if I had done anything differently? Why am I asking for help? They feel it is my fault and that I deserved this. Did I?
I was taking sedatives and sleeping in my Uncle Harvey's bed. I remember crying until I fell asleep. I stayed in my Uncle's room with him by me for two weeks. I had my room redecorated and burned the mattress. I rearranged the furniture and painted my walls.
I was in my room the night my Uncle Derek got out on bail. He told me to meet him at a hotel or something would happen. I told him ok and hung up. I went and took a super hot bath. I planned on slitting my wrists and then going to him. I wanted to die. I couldn't let him rape me again. I changed my mind. I call him back and told him I wouldn t come to him. I hung up and cried. I sat in the corner of my room with my Pooh bear and cried for hours. I fell asleep there.
A couple of days later I found out I was pregnant and that Leslie, my best friend, had been raped the night I didn't meet Derek. It was my entire fault that he raped her. I was wrong to not go and meet him, but I didn't want to live through it all again. I couldn't have. I would have ended it all then and there. I started the self-abuse more often. I wanted to get the bad feelings out of me and be clean and purify myself again. I went through a nightly ritual after a hot bath of cutting the bottom of me feet and watching the blood run down the bathtub. Then I would wrap my feet and put my sock on and tip toe to bed. I kept getting sick. I didn't think much of it because of the bulimia. I wasn't sure if I was doing it or if it was my body. I went to the doctor and they told me again that I was pregnant. I guess I was in denial the first time they told me. A few days later so Leslie found out she was pregnant too. She chose to terminate her pregnancy. I couldn't do that. I got attached to the baby quickly but didn t once think of the things I was doing to myself that hurt me as well as this innocent child. Derek's parents started proceeding to fight me for the custody of the baby.
In May I registered for college and I met a man named Scott. He was 27 and was working as the assistant manager at the music store. I didn't think anything of him. I didn't get out much, but music was my release. I use to go in there and bang on the drums a while. Of course when no one was around. He started talking to me and I learned he had just been released from jail a month prior. He told me he was picked up and charged with molesting a young 12 year old girl. He said they let him out on early release but had him medicines that made him impotent. In a way that was comforting to me. I guess I felt that he couldn't do what my Uncle Derek did to me so he was safe. All of my friends seemed to be too busy. No I think it was I was pushing them away. I wanted away from who I was and who I use to be. I wanted to make all the pain and all the hurt go away. I started going over to Scott's house and he would get me beer. I was still needing heroin. Derek had done it enough that my body was craving it. I would kiss Scott and let him touch me and he gave me a hit. I saw it as harmless. I know now it was a form of self-abuse. I didn't feel a need to cut myself because Scott was my punishment. I did this, going to Scott till July. I stayed on heroin and drank way too much. I played around with Scott. The kissing and light petting. I decided not to see him anymore when he told me that to get another hit I was gonna have to give two of his friends blow jobs or masturbate and let the three of them watch me. I walked that night. And you know it felt really good. I went home and tried to do without the heroin. About this time Jenny was worried about me and talked to two of my Uncles about me and they decided to get tough with me. They put bars on my bedroom windows and I had to report to them every few hours. I had a beeper and had 10 minutes to call them after I was beeped. I went through a weekly drug test at home. In this time I was persuaded by the cops and a lawyer to drop my case against Derek but not before they put me in danger three other times. They had me set up meetings with Derek and the three men and go to meet them. I got scared when I got there and saw no one was there for me so I backed out. It was a good thing, because I would have been alone. I would have been raped again. I did drop the case under pressure, but only to reopen it a couple of weeks later. My Uncle killed himself and one of the men. Then I was admitted to rehab and spent till August there. I woke up one night and noticed I was bleeding. I was taken to the ER and they did a D & C. I lost the baby. I was miserable. I killed my baby by abusing myself and punishing myself. I lost the baby when I was 3 and a half months pregnant. It was August 10th, 1998. I was determined to take my life back and to put it all behind me. I started rape councilling and finished a semester of school that summer. I wonder how I got so much accomplished when so much was going on in my world and in my heart and body. I was so empty being busy filled that void.
I am now sitting here looking at the fact that it has almost been a year and I am getting my life back in order. I have a man who loves me, my soulmate. I am fighting the self- abuse and the bulimia and I am gonna win. I have friends who support me. I am in therapy too. But there is still fear and hurt. It is new this time though. I am being hunted like an animal from my Uncle Harvey now. He is threatening to rape and kill me. I hate living in fear and feeling helpless. I know I will get through this too and I will get my life back. I will have my "forever and always" in happiness with Jeff. I deserve it, I deserve him. I love him with all my heart, body and soul. He is my happiness, my safety and my future. I will be whole and I will be in control of my life again. I have made those choices, I choose to be well. I choose to be the best girlfriend and wife to Jeff. I choose to be the best person I can for me.