For each cancer patient this road is different, for me it was a learning experience, a long hard road but one I had to walk. I look back on this and I don't feel sadness, I don't say "Why me?" I always knew that I would be a survivor, no matter which way it went, I would walk the chosen path for me. I'm not saying that I wasn't scared at times through this, I was, very, very scared sometimes. Each time I had to go for testing, each new round of drugs, each time Doc Doom walked into the room, the feeling would sometimes overwhelm me, but I learned if I lived for the day that I was given, this day, then tomorrow would take care of itself, my present was this day, my joy and love for life grew so very strong. I would walk the park where the lake is, I love the water, Dave a wonderful friend of mine gave me the vision of a meadow, I carried this with me for a long time. I felt solace there. RT gave me the hillside, there I found the inner peace I sought for such a long time, without the help and understanding of my friends, I don't know what I would have done. There is a long list of people that walked with me. I was put into remission on December 17th, 1998, the best Christmas present I could have asked for, the only one I prayed for. The road is not over for me yet, there is heart damage from the chemo to deal with, there is a bone marrow transplant to undergo, but there is a great deal of good that came from this for me. I was given, smiles, hope, faith, life and most of all Love. I see the things around me now through different eyes, the colors are brighter, the air more refreshing, the small things mean so much more, treasure them, the smile of a stranger passed on, the laughter of the children, embrace this life, live it, for we only are given this day.
This road we all travel in life, I believe is chosen for us long before we live it. I have no fear of death, my greatest fear in life is that I won't live it to the fullest. Seems there are bumps in the road we travel in life and how we handle those form the person that we eventually become. I try to look at the good, the bright side, somedays it is not so easy. I thought when the doctor's finally said "remission" that I would be ok, that I would have all the old energy and stamina! You seem to fool yourself into thinking some of these things to be told how very wrong you are. I have heart damage from the chemotherapy, will be undergoing more tests, more medications, to try to correct the problems that the "cure" has caused. I still walk this tight rope, somedays, like today wondering when it will all end, when I will be whole again, then I think about that and know that I am whole, that I am here walking amoung you all, that I have so very much to be grateful for. I can now understand better why cancer patients become depressed, seems to never end, but you have to go on, you must reach for the good, dream, go to your hillside, your meadow, dig deep within if you must, but live, rejoice in that. I think back and remember the lady in the waiting room that would not talk, would not smile, we all tried so very hard with her for so long, finally she did smile, know now that it wasn't easy for her. I used to walk in there and sit next to this poor woman and badger her, she must have wanted to hit me some days, I needed this woman to smile, to hold on to hope. She is my reminder just as Mya and Ty are that life is worth even this struggle.
Well the day has arrived! Today 2/23/99 they found a donor for me, for the bone marrow transplant! Mixed emotions here, really mixed. Am so very scared now that the day has arrived. Thought I would feel happiness, joy, but all I am is frightened. The unknown is hard to deal with, thought I had it all under control, thought this was the easy part. Seems that it isn't, at least not for me. Is funny really, when I look at all I have gone through and now that the light at the end of the tunnel is shining, am ready to hide. Know that I can't, know that I won't, but, geez I sure as heck want too.
As I sit and wait for this transplant to happen for me, all kinds of thoughts have entered my head and heart, some days I think that I need to get it all done, all that I have not done in this life, today, then I think I have done alot, I have given of myself to others, more than I have in my entire life, I gave in these past 18 months. I sometimes get so scared inside, is a hard thing for me to share, the fear, it is so overwhelming. Here is where I learned to share, here is where I have found so much strength, here is where a big piece of my heart is. The people that have become a part of me here are an amazing network of people. I fight within each day to stay here, to not let down the people that love me. Is funny how you never seem to see yourself as others do. I don't see this strong person that they see, I know I am strong but inside I cry, I hurt and yet I go on fighting, is a hard thing for me to do. Each morning I wake I am thankful for another day, I see each day what cancer does to a person, I have a wonderful friend that has only weeks left to live, yet she fights, she has a 4 year old son who needs her and she will not be here. How can this be? How fair if this? Some days I am bitter over it all. I look at this woman and wonder how this can happen! WHY? I never seem to find the answer, can only hope that what I believe is so. Can only pray that He knows what he is doing. I shake my head at times, isn't right, isn't fair, this thing that eats you up from the inside out! That takes and never gives up. Here I sit waiting for infections to clear up so they can save my life, and I wonder what of hers? Is nothing they can do for her, she is on morphine drip and her family sits around her bed and waits for the last breath to leave her. Is a horrible thing they live through. I think my God is this what will become of me? Will all that love me have to live this someday? Am not sure at this point when my transplant will be, was supposed to be the 9th of April am still hoping that this is the case, but I do know that I will not give up this fight, I will walk strong and proud. As Nanette does I will to, fight to be where I am with the people I love so very much
Well transplant happened two weeks ago now, didn't happen when it was supposed to but is behind me now. I tired really fast and get depressed easily, sure is a nerve wracking process. Am not one to be caged up and I have been now for two long weeks, wondering if this will work, wondering if not will I have other options. It is awful for your mental state, I am usually a positive person, but this thing really got to me. Had a hard time with happy thoughts, seemed they all turned gloom and doom, that was awful too, I cried all the time over nothing. My friends tried to bring me out of it, all of them, but nothing seemed to work. I couldn't even do it and I knew I had too. I tried to hide it from all. Didn't work with some, seems they saw right thro me. Thank you to the one that brought me out, the one that made me see, because today I learned that it is working, that it is germinating, seems he knew something I didn't. I have always gone on feelings and I lost track of that. Won't ever again, it is what has brought me this far. Seems the other side is not ready for me yet, and I can tell you all here and now that I am not ready to go either.
Once again I am here to say a friend has passed on, Nanette lost her fight last night, but out of it I have gained new insight to those around me, I was telling a wonderful friend all about what I was feeling and he said he will never know the road I walk but he feels what I feel, the pain, the sorrow and the joy, I never stopped to think of what those that care about me were feeling, they never said a word, never talked of the pain they felt. These people, this one, in particular, has walked the path with me, has been to hell with me, I am honored by this. He makes me open my eyes to so much around me, every soul on this earth should have a friend like the one I have, the one that makes you think, the one that never holds back, the one that accepts all about you, is a rare find. So out of the pain I feel at the passing of Nanette, I was also given a gift, one that I will treasure. Nanette will be missed greatly by me, the end of her life was full of so much pain, she suffers no more, for this I am grateful. I continue on this tightrope, walking this chosen path but now I see those around me through different eyes. I don't have a choice on this road I walk, you all do, you could have turned away, like so many of Nanette's friends did, is a hard road for those that care about you to walk. I am proud of each of you that has chosen to stay and fight along side of me. I am grateful that I now see that you all fight this fight as hard if not harder than I do. I sit in totally in awe of the strength that you all have shown me that I didn't see til this day. You may not ever know what I feel, what I have been through personally and I pray each day that it never happens to any of you, but you all know the fight because you fought it first hand, for this I thank each of you. To the one that opened these eyes of mine, my eternal gratitude to you for a lesson in life that I will always remember. I look back on the time I have spent with you and am so very grateful to have had you in my life. I will continue to share, continue to strive to win, continue to give, to open the eyes of others that cancer is not always a death sentence and even if it is in the end, there is so very much you can learn from each other if only you open your hearts. Life is full of suprises for each of us, sometimes the pain, the sorrow is the greatest lesson of all. Through this pain and sorrow I have learned to give my all to those around me, to love this day as the gift that it is, and to treasure each and every person that walks through my life.
I don't know what words to use to say the cancer has returned to my life, I have no way to soften the blow these words have caused me. I found out 3 weeks ago, I finished my first round of chemo and radiation, now I have to decide what options I will take, they offer Cell Direct again, Helium Ion or good ole chemo and radiation. Not sure what road I will take yet, I am stumbling here with this. I stand and fight once more, not wanting to, not wanting to face this awful enemy once again, knowing that I have no choice, knowing I won't give in for a second to this thing that once again threatens my very existance. I talk to friends and tell them this news, I can hear the disbelief in their voices, in their words, it is like a nightmare you can't wake from, you know the kind, you struggle to come to the surface but you just have to stay and see it thro to the end? It is funny, the day before chemo and radiation started my daughter, Coleen walked back into my life, a miracle to me, I will be a grandma soon and I have no idea how to tell this daughter that I don't know but love with all my heart that I am sick, that I could die. I have so very much to live for, to fight for, so many rainbows to capture and hold dear to my heart. Some tell me I must slow down, I say no way, I want to experience it all, even if I live to 100 I know that there isn't enough time to do it all. Yes I am sick but I can't give in to this, I can't give one second up to this, I need others to understand, to see that if I do slow down it is like I am letting this thing take time from me. I did that before, I did slow down the first time around, I won't this time, I need to keep that fight alive within me and living to the fullest is the only way I know how now. We all fight our demons in one way or another in life, this seems to be mine, I keep thinking that there is something I have not learned from this, something I have not shared and when I figure out what that is, that is when this war will be over for me. That is when I will be healthy once again. I won't accept dying, that isn't a option for me, I will not be a casualty of this awful war that goes on around and within me every day. I smile even when I feel my worst, I look at the beauty around me even when I know the darkness is there, I refuse to see this, even the night has its splendor, the twinkling of the stars, the glow of the moon, even the storms that rage have their spectacular beauty, the flashes of light in the sky, the smell of the rain as it hits the earth, there is beauty in it all, maybe even in this fight. I can tell you of the beauty I have seen because of cancer, Mya, Rainbow's End, the love of friends, the caring words of strangers, the hope in the eyes of others that sit in the waiting room side by side, the touch of a hand, another heart reaching out, just look and you will see it all too.
