| The bottom of the Can... OR The top of my thoughts.... (this is best viewed in IE.... netscape makes it look funny.......sorry .. i hate IE..but.. whatever) |
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| These are my 2 Monsters!!! Andrew and Jessica.. Jessica is the one with the long hair.. |
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| me with red hair.. taken Jan 1998 |
| Memory of you…. How do you say goodbye to a memory A memory that is determined to last? It's not a question of you being near or far The time just went by too fast. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking I'll see you in the morning's light As I turn to caress your hair and I find you're not there My mind goes back in time to when we were a pair In my daily routines, it is you I still see In my car, on the street, and wishing you here next to me Doing things the way you liked to see them Still, your the smile in what I wear, the eyeliner I apply with care And sadly, yes… I can still feel your fingers caressing my hair It's so hurtful these games my mind continues to play My dream, my fantasy is to see you sometime soon, how about today? The signs are there as plain as day: No way to enter my past Too late to turn back and change it Wishing for my heart to come back Wishing for someone to slap me awake Please help me go back, i made a mistake...... Screaming inside and sleeping at the bottom of the lake I'm driving myself mad as I re-awake here without you..... ~~ Selena ~~ |
| THE BOTTLE WHISPERS..................... The bottle whispers “take me, be free” My mind screams “get me out of here before I go mad” I wrapped my self in your memory It felt so cold there In wake of anger, rage, and confused love The voices don’t stop…. “live, don’t let him win” My mind is weak and I want to take the bottles advice The tower has fallen, my world is not the same I used to adore you, I used to wake for you It’s taken a while for your desire to be reality Isn’t it sad your not around to see your protégé How well she has taken your advice, how well she learned Now I see what you mean by being ‘special’ How nice it is to be mad inside For no one to know till they get close There are no nightmares, only life Someday my dear, I’ll have a chance to let you see what you created I’ll be near you, and have a chance to teach you I’ll show you how to enjoy the pain It will be your turn to see me smile a little smile |
| WELCOME TO THE MEMORY CORNER............ So you want to know what I’m thinking Want to know what is going through my mind This way my dear, this way to madness, anger, rage, confusion Don’t forget the crucifix or whatever makes you feel ‘safe’ Don’t worry baby, I haven’t known you long enough Your not part of this……….yet However I do have confidence you can make it here You will prove to be like the rest, yes darling, it’s inherent – you’re a man See all dark murky blood of old pain? Who am I that you see here – well, not even I know I don’t have a road map only this advice: Don’t get too close Don’t ask me to believe you love me Don’t disappear on me And.. its too late to ask you to never know me My sweet, never trust anyone Only trust that you will drag me down And.. ohhh you won’t mean to No one ever does, no, not sweet wonderful you Take your place here in my mind Take me over, and over and over And if your really good, you will have me almost trust you care I’ll tell you something, be careful for what you wish for You can not change me Don’t buy me flowers to show you’re different Having you for myself in secret is my drug Don’t become what I live for, stay what I need I’m sorry, did you trip? Was last night too much for you not want more? Allow me to open the way for my private club Here is your paint brush, sorry, were fresh out of sane colors I knew you would make it.. its going to be awhile, make yourself comfy….. |
| HEAVEN HELP YOU Heaven help you You caught my attention finally I’m too complicated for you baby But, as you wish, ill be yours for a while I’ll be your drug for now I’ll hurt for you occasionally to make you fee like a man You can tell me you care, I’ll believe you Breaking down is easy, I’m in your bed – that’s all that matters Take me any way you want Bend me any way you want Do me any time you want I’ll be yours for now… until you bore me T’was meant that I be your drug and your breathing be mine To feel you fall on me loosing control, yes that’s my drug To hear you calling the creator, yes, that’s my drug To let you think you control me only to see how well I control you – its my life’s blood Heaven help you my dear boy You will never know another like me I’ll make you hate me only to feel lost without my touch I’ll make you hate yourself for wanting me so much |
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| Christmas '98 |
| Voices.. Voices.... I'm hearing voices.. "shut up!" They keep repeating... "stop it!" as i hold myself i say.. "I'm ok...I'm ok...I'm ok" over and over again as i shake in my mind as i lie awake... Thoughts floating from here to there Visions repeating from neither here nor there as i hold myself i say.. "I'm ok...I'm ok...I'm ok" over and over again as the blood drips down my face and into my lips... Trying to think... Is this me?? wondering.. Am i screaming?? as i hold myself i say.. "I'm ok...I'm ok...I'm ok" starting to yawn.. time to lay back down Tears falling, another pill bottle is empty now.... begining to feel heavy and unable to move darkness setting it slowly... as my arms drop and no longer able to hold myself i think.. "I feel ok... i feel ok.. I am ok.." my eyes are closing and I'm feeling like i'm floating My last thoughts are my kids, "they will be better off without me choking..." my children will be ok, my children will be ok.......they will the forget the pain that was me. ~~Selena~~ |
| Come Dance with me.. In the waters of fury, in the light of astonomys history. Come dance with me as we breath the essence of eachother and remember the aroma's of old, of new and of always. Tantalizing are the thoughts and visions that such remembrance brings about. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (this was written partly in spanish - as you can see.. spanish is not my native language..) falling.. falling.. tears .. I hate them as they fall so do I little by little.. day by day sola con su espritu sola en olvido sola con su amore me voy a veces en la playa la plyaita eres mi casita co tuyo bailar contigo con la musica del norte bailar contigo con la fuerza del sur escuchame, mirama, amorame ya me desperierte.. solo y siempre solita |
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| Yes, these are the same two kid's.. my babies... :-) Jessica in Feb '2001 and Andrew's Kindergarten picture taken in October '2000 |
| Time in my mind freezes and holds still for a moment in held your gaze i was free from this maze i carried your smile felt you heart heaven for a moment felt it, and now in torment bleeding from the reality that has hit me closing my eyes, my heart, yes my doors sitting in the darkness of my mind shutters flashing, movie on re-wind, heart on pause not understanding it's cause memories of a psuedo-past emmotions are at half-mast space next to me as empty as this glass before me never full, never empty, hardly visible silver and dull hurts the skull gnashed and gnarled, the cancer grows blackness and death...the soul crys river red, flesh dead, blood dries stillness of pain, staleness of movement ashes to ashes, dust to dust of wence we came, return we must hand stretched out, finding not even the sky the last breath, the final cry.............. |
| by me... selena.. 12-17-01 |
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| the picture to the Right ----> is me... (yes.. recent.. taken 12-2003) Pic below is Sonia in France a freind who i love dearly |
------------------------------------------------------------------- The marriage Yes my love, I will marry you Set the date already my dear I will marry you because you don’t have my heart But you have my attention You can never hurt me I am not in love with you But I like you,I respect you, adore you, And I admire you I will marry you for our common views on sex For the fun we have had For the fun we will continue to have for the rest of our lives I will never cheat on you without your permission And will always ask if you want to watch or join I will bring him or her home for you to share Yes I will marry you because you can not hurt me You don’t have my heart, but you have my attention We will dance till we die, cum till we cry and never never lie I will love you as my equal and never my superior…… -Selena Acevedo-Razo 1/12/02 |
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| Enough Never close enough Yet too close Never loved enough Yet I love too much In the darkest corner I can find, I bury all within my mind. Don’t ask what I’m thinking, unless you want to see the tears. This depression has been my companion for life long years. It’s actions I need to look at, and still my mind wanders to the past and the hurt. No, he’s not hurting me and he is kind to me. He acts loving, he shows he cares. But, he is still looking to see what else is there….because there is always something better. Enough…. I will never be enough for him. For anyone.. another thought to put away. A face to reality – please save it for another day.. I really can not take anymore. As it will eventually lead to an ending. I look to the future and realize that I have only to go to another man’s bed. A new someone to care for, another to hope for.. another memory to begin and only to end. The stake in my existence doesn’t leave anymore. It is with me always, like the cancerous depression, like the hurt, like the number of men in my life that will prove that I’m not enough of a person to want it all with. No one knows my thoughts or feelings because I won’t show them. I’ll show I care, but I wont show my fear or my insecurity. In silence I weep and in voice I laugh, I joke.. I do whatever it takes to hide the pain of immortal loneliness and the complete absence of true bliss. I am happy for the moment and still I find myself sobbing inside in the reality of an eventual and inevitable end. It is not what I want, it is just what will be. I’ll never be enough for anyone, and possibly not even enough for me. I watch him sleep sometimes. Look at him so that I can remember the face, the eyes, the curve of his lips…. and what it was like for him to look at me without anger and hate. For him to not be irate when I show my affection, and my appreciation. Remember what it was like for him to listen to me and not tell me I’m stupid. I want to remember the kindness he shows now, I want to remember it when it was good and he cared for more than just his pleasure ~ Selena 10-17-02 . |
| My mind is weak My body tired The eyes bloodshot And the soul is on fire Eternal flame it was called Eternal pain is what it is... This humanity of life is full of much strife And I'm tired.. just so tired.. Day to day I live Day to day I give Tiredly.. endlessly. forgivingly And for what? To receive more pain Pain of the reality in knowing That there is no gain of anything tranquil Stair by stair I go upon which there is a load Upon my shoulders Upon my heart Dying in breathing A little more lost than I was the day before Hope.... they say is the driving force I must be full of it To have not accomplished the thing I tried a year ago To rest for eternity, to burn as I burn here They say its selfish to want such a thingThey say its wrong to do such a thing How wrong can it be if it helps humanity? To cleanse it of what is me. how can it be wrong? My children need me..Yet, I am not really a part of their lives. - Selena 9-22-03 |