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| These are my 2 Monsters!!! Andrew and Jessica.. Jessica is the one with the long hair.. |
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| me with red hair.. |
| I once had a love, but it didn’t last The years went by, so cold and not too fast The pain I will feel, the bad memories will last For years I walked among others with the same old mask The one thing that should have gone right Completely went wrong, it was repeated, like a bad song Out of personal sanity I cast him aside In a moment of insanity I went for a wild ride In those days of darkness I met another He seemed like no other Sometimes I sit and wonder if there was still another That would have more understanding and not hide and shudder Now my days are a blur and the darkness shrouds the light Sometimes I don’t feel the night Sometimes I don’t lay in fright Once in a while I feel his arms holding me with the compassion I felt in the beginning The tears fall as I try to shut them off The skin tears as I try to turn my mind off This shiny thing I have here gets closer and closer to seeing my life essence drain Easier and easier is the thought and acceptance of the first sting that will take me from this pain In desperation I called him and said I needed him It took a while, and he understood the darkness would soon win In his arms I cried and he just listened, that’s all I needed from him I could hear the compassion in his embrace; he held me and kissed my face Its good memories I try to hold onto and the hurt is fighting to take them away - Selena |
| Memory of you…. How do you say goodbye to a memory A memory that is determined to last? It's not a question of you being near or far The time just went by too fast. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking I'll see you in the morning's light As I turn to caress your hair and I find you're not there My mind goes back in time to when we were a pair In my daily routines, it is you I still see In my car, on the street, and wishing you here next to me Doing things the way you liked to see them Still, your the smile in what I wear, the eyeliner I apply with care And sadly, yes… I can still feel your fingers caressing my hair It's so hurtful these games my mind continues to play My dream, my fantasy is to see you sometime soon, how about today? The signs are there as plain as day: No way to enter my past Too late to turn back and change it Wishing for my heart to come back Wishing for someone to slap me awake Please help me go back, i made a mistake...... Screaming inside and sleeping at the bottom of the lake I'm driving myself mad as I re-awake here without you..... ~~ Selena ~~ |
| THE BOTTLE WHISPERS..................... The bottle whispers “take me, be free” My mind screams “get me out of here before I go mad” I wrapped my self in your memory It felt so cold there In wake of anger, rage, and confused love The voices don’t stop…. “live, don’t let him win” My mind is weak and I want to take the bottles advice The tower has fallen, my world is not the same I used to adore you, I used to wake for you It’s taken a while for your desire to be reality Isn’t it sad your not around to see your protégé How well she has taken your advice, how well she learned Now I see what you mean by being ‘special’ How nice it is to be mad inside For no one to know till they get close There are no nightmares, only life Someday my dear, I’ll have a chance to let you see what you created I’ll be near you, and have a chance to teach you I’ll show you how to enjoy the pain It will be your turn to see me smile a little smile |
| WELCOME TO THE MEMORY CORNER............ So you want to know what I’m thinking Want to know what is going through my mind This way my dear, this way to madness, anger, rage, confusion Don’t forget the crucifix or whatever makes you feel ‘safe’ Don’t worry baby, I haven’t known you long enough Your not part of this……….yet However I do have confidence you can make it here You will prove to be like the rest, yes darling, it’s inherent – you’re a man See all dark murky blood of old pain? Who am I that you see here – well, not even I know I don’t have a road map only this advice: Don’t get too close Don’t ask me to believe you love me Don’t disappear on me And.. its too late to ask you to never know me My sweet, never trust anyone Only trust that you will drag me down And.. ohhh you won’t mean to No one ever does, no, not sweet wonderful you Take your place here in my mind Take me over, and over and over And if your really good, you will have me almost trust you care I’ll tell you something, be careful for what you wish for You can not change me Don’t buy me flowers to show you’re different Having you for myself in secret is my drug Don’t become what I live for, stay what I need I’m sorry, did you trip? Was last night too much for you not want more? Allow me to open the way for my private club Here is your paint brush, sorry, were fresh out of sane colors I knew you would make it.. its going to be awhile, make yourself comfy….. |
| HEAVEN HELP YOU Heaven help you You caught my attention finally I’m too complicated for you baby But, as you wish, ill be yours for a while I’ll be your drug for now I’ll hurt for you occasionally to make you fee like a man You can tell me you care, I’ll believe you Breaking down is easy, I’m in your bed – that’s all that matters Take me any way you want Bend me any way you want Do me any time you want I’ll be yours for now… until you bore me T’was meant that I be your drug and your breathing be mine To feel you fall on me loosing control, yes that’s my drug To hear you calling the creator, yes, that’s my drug To let you think you control me only to see how well I control you – its my life’s blood Heaven help you my dear boy You will never know another like me I’ll make you hate me only to feel lost without my touch I’ll make you hate yourself for wanting me so much |
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| Christmas '98 |
| Voices.. Voices.... I'm hearing voices.. "shut up!" They keep repeating... "stop it!" as i hold myself i say.. "I'm ok...I'm ok...I'm ok" over and over again as i shake in my mind as i lie awake... Thoughts floating from here to there Visions repeating from neither here nor there as i hold myself i say.. "I'm ok...I'm ok...I'm ok" over and over again as the blood drips down my face and into my lips... Trying to think... Is this me?? wondering.. Am i screaming?? as i hold myself i say.. "I'm ok...I'm ok...I'm ok" starting to yawn.. time to lay back down Tears falling, another pill bottle is empty now.... begining to feel heavy and unable to move darkness setting it slowly... as my arms drop and no longer able to hold myself i think.. "I feel ok... i feel ok.. I am ok.." my eyes are closing and I'm feeling like i'm floating My last thoughts are my kids, "they will be better off without me choking..." my children will be ok, my children will be ok.......they will the forget the pain that was me. ~~Selena~~ |
| Come Dance with me.. In the waters of fury, in the light of astonomys history. Come dance with me as we breath the essence of eachother and remember the aroma's of old, of new and of always. Tantalizing are the thoughts and visions that such remembrance brings about. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (this was written partly in spanish - as you can see.. spanish is not my native language..) falling.. falling.. tears .. I hate them as they fall so do I little by little.. day by day sola con su espritu sola en olvido sola con su amore me voy a veces en la playa la plyaita eres mi casita co tuyo bailar contigo con la musica del norte bailar contigo con la fuerza del sur escuchame, mirama, amorame ya me desperierte.. solo y siempre solita |
| (another attempt at combining spanish and english.. I'm still learning) I cant stop the thoughts Does he love me Does he like me Does he want me Over and over they repeat And again I scream at my self to shutup Bottles and bottles I see before me All tempting me to swallow them Take me they say, take me and go away Memories of the ocean come back I remember the bridge and being held The landscape At least he didn’t lie to me Walking for days, and loving many ways Pictures I collected to keep the memories alive in some small way I don’t want to, but I miss che Ya me recuerde su casita de tan frisito en este momentos, los lluvias quiere caer Yea me quire regresar, pero ya me conoce es impossible En este momentos de estoy llorando me quire corre a ti Y, in este momentos, los lluvias quiere caer En la noche cuando me suenar, me voy a ti Y, cuando me respirar no estas Ya me consosce a puro dolor en el noche, no estoy juntos A veces, el mano del el, me piensa es el mano de ti And it never is, as you well know. Porque me sigue con el? When I know que me ya conosce? Esperar por el dia de los palabras are true when spoken Es possible de los palabras son la verdad Pero, no es completa hoy, maybe tomorrow Continuing to wait till the moment comes is what I do El amor fuerza por el es en mi corazon Nadie can take that from me or replace it Nadie ya no sirve Ahora el es mi aire, y en los dias de paseo mi aire este che And still…. Ya me recuerdate siempre |
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| Yes, these are the same two kid's.. my babies... :-) Jessica in Feb '2001 and Andrew's Kindergarten picture taken in October '2000 |
| Time in my mind freezes and holds still for a moment in held your gaze i was free from this maze i carried your smile felt you heart heaven for a moment felt it, and now in torment bleeding from the reality that has hit me closing my eyes, my heart, yes my doors sitting in the darkness of my mind shutters flashing, movie on re-wind, heart on pause not understanding it's cause memories of a psuedo-past emmotions are at half-mast space next to me as empty as this glass before me never full, never empty, hardly visible silver and dull hurts the skull gnashed and gnarled, the cancer grows blackness and death...the soul crys river red, flesh dead, blood dries stillness of pain, staleness of movement ashes to ashes, dust to dust of wence we came, return we must hand stretched out, finding not even the sky the last breath, the final cry.............. |
| by me... selena.. 12-17-01 |
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| Sonia in France a freind who i love dearly |
------------------------------------------------------------------- The marriage Yes my love, I will marry you Set the date already my dear I will marry you because you don’t have my heart But you have my attention You can never hurt me I am not in love with you But I like you,I respect you, adore you, And I admire you I will marry you for our common views on sex For the fun we have had For the fun we will continue to have for the rest of our lives I will never cheat on you without your permission And will always ask if you want to watch or join I will bring him or her home for you to share Yes I will marry you because you can not hurt me You don’t have my heart, but you have my attention We will dance till we die, cum till we cry and never never lie I will love you as my equal and never my superior…… -Selena Acevedo-Razo 1/12/02 |