I guess one could say my start with depression began shortly after fourth grade (9 yrs old). Its really stupid how it all started, but I guess I didn't have the skills to deal with things and to move on, so everything just snowballed. I had a fourth grade teacher that I really liked. He was a good teacher, and he was nice and fun... and I had a crush on him. So at the end of the year, I had to leave his class and my school cuz 5th grade was in the middle school. So I missed him and my old school a lot, and it made me really sad.
Middle school was very crappy. I missed my old teacher and school still. I only had a few friends and I got teased a lot because they thought I was fat and because I always knew the answers. So I stayed sad, and I wore black all the time. All the teachers said I looked terrible and asked if there was something wrong with me... but no one ever tried to do anything about it. My parents would always yell at me because I wasn't happy, but again, it didn't occur to them that there might be something wrong.
I get to high school, and nothing gets better. I get put into honors and advanced placement classes, which I hate, and they make me more depressed. Two of my best friends moved away within a two months of each other. Constant worrying makes me sick, tired, and then I gain weight.
Throw a couple deaths into the mix, a plan for suicide, and one night when it almost happened (I called a friend after, she laughed at me, that didn't help). Also a boyfriend who liked to take advantage of me physically... I nearly always felt used and unsatisfied.
There really is nothing wrong in my life now. Its just that depression has left me unable to deal with daily minor setbacks and problems that healthy people can just roll right through. Some days are worse than others, and I'm trying to do things that will make me feel better.
I still haven't told my parents about the depression, so I haven't been formally diagnosed and obviously I'm not receiving any treatment. Maybe someday I'll tell them. Probably not.
Maybe this will help someone in someway, if it does, please let me know.

Updates:

April 8, 2001 This is definitely a stressful time of year! Advanced Placement tests are in about a month! I try to take care of myself, but its hard with so much to do. Most everything is OK, I'm excited because I'm graduating in June and I was accepted to my first choice college! (Don't worry guys I'm still gonna keep up the site :oÞ ).
Some days I feel so sad, but I don't really know why. I just want to curl up and sleep forever and ever. Some days I really miss my kinda sorta boyfriend who lives in another state, even though he isn't treating me so good. But sometimes I just get so lonely. My friend Andy made me a great CD with all my favorite songs on it... thats been keeping me happy for the past week. I think I listened to Diana Ross's "I Will Survive" about twenty times last night! It made me feel better though... its good for the soul. Remember guys, we *will* survive!!

April 10, 2001 Some days I want to die soooo bad. This is one of them. As usual I have no real reason to feel any of this, or maybe I do. I'm so bored with life, I have no attention span. It feels like all I should be doing is homework. I miss my kinda sorta bf, even though I shouldn't. And I'm afraid I won't have enough money to go to school. I've worked my butt off for good grades, so I'm third in my class. But apparently you don't get any offers for full tuition or half tuition unless you're first or second. If you're an average student, theres stuff for you too. But it seems like I'm not getting anything. I feel like I can't go on like this. I want some help... therapy, prozac, I don't know. Everyday on my way to first period I walk past the school psychologist's office and I just want to go in and say "fix me". My parents could not be more oblivious to how I feel and how sad I am. Some days I'm so peppy and perky... but I think its all just a cover-up. Deep down sadness and bad stuff is still there I just mask it sometimes. I know whats wrong with me you guys I just don't know how to fix it. Every time I tell my friends "I'm so sad" or "Some days I just want to die" they're just like 'oh'. It makes me wanna scream! Don't they know this is a cry, a plea, for help?? I can't do this anymore I feel like I'm drowning.

May 2, 2001 I apologize for the last entry. I did not intend to freak everybody out. I'm better now. I only have 29 more days of school left and I leave for college in exactly 4 months. I can't wait! Also my 18th bday is in two weeks, so that'll be exciting. I just came back from dancing, so I feel good. Nothing much else to write except this is a very high stress time: advanced placement tests for the next two weeks! ICK! "Stronger than yesterday...."

May 7, 2001 I had my first AP Test today. 1 down, 3 to go! At least the worst is over. I have calculus in three days, that'll be the best (and easiest). Nothing much else to write, still searching for a prom date... if you guys know anyone let me know lol!

May 9, 2001 I went dancing tonite, just like every other Wednesday. Only tonite I cried there. =*( We were doing a dance that was hard and I didn't like it, then I started missing my bf (yes the aforementioned a**hole). Then I was sitting at a table with some guys I know from there and one of them said to me Do you have a date for the prom yet? I said no. He goes No one asked you? I said Right. Then I had to excuse myself to the ladies room and cry there.
I have my second AP test tomorrow- calculus. The easy one. Except now cuz I'm sad I'm losing confidence in myself. I know I can't walk in there tomorrow feeling like this or I'm going to bomb big time. I need a quick fix in the next 10 hours. Maybe some Diana Ross in the morning will help. Gnite everyone.

May 13, 2001 I would just like to tell everyone that I know I kicked some serious butt on the calculus test!! I never imagined it would have been *that* easy. So, today is Sunday. I have AP Govt test on Tuesday, my birthday is on Wednesday (I turn 18 hehe), AP Statistics test on Thursday, and Friday is my party! Its going to be a busy week, so I apologize if I'm slow with responding to emails and stuff. Bye!

May 19, 2001 AP TESTS ARE DONE!!! Govt and Statistics were both so-so. I'm 18 now yay! That means I can go dancing on the weekends too! I had a birthday party last nite and it was great. I got a lot of Harry Potter stuff. I guess thats about all, still dateless for the prom, I hope you guys are looking hard for me!

May 22, 2001 OK guys, I have a problem, it being that I AM INSANE. My math teacher is soooo amazing. He's everything I would ever want in a husband... good looking, patient, kind, smart. I have him the last two periods of the day. But now I'm with him the last three because I'm helping him review with the first year math class as my final project. He was standing up there explaining why you can't subtract 72pi from 288 and I'm just thinking, my god, you are *amazing*. Yesterday he touched my shoulder when I was talking to him and after I left I turned into a giddy schoolgirl. I try not to think about him like that cuz he's probably around 40 and he's married with two kids and I know its just bad bad bad and wrong wrong wrong but everytime I see him I'm like yay! My acquaintances's locker is right outside his room and I'd rather go hang out in his room in the morning and talk to him than talk to her. If anyone has any advice on how to make me not act stupid whenever I see him or if you have an argument that could talk me out of having a crush on him or if you'd just like to share your opinion (please do!) you came email me at miserablechica@hotmail.com Bye!

May 29, 2001 OK you guys, we've got 22 days left to find me a date for the prom. My 'friends' are apparently all lying backstabbers. I think that girls are just evil people to each other. Oh yeah, another reason why I'm crying my eyes out would be that I pretty much just told the bf in another state that if he can get out of work to take me to my prom I would sleep with him. Thats pretty bad huh? The plea of a desperate woman. For any of you girls that are younger than me who just read that, *please do not* do as I do. Try to conduct yourselves with a little more dignity than I can muster at the moment. So I guess thats about it for now, how come no one emails me anymore?

June 24, 2001 I graduated from high school today! It's finally over! YAYYYYY!! The prom was a few days ago. I did eventually find a date and I had a wonderful time with him.
I've been soooo happy since school let out. For awhile I was thinking that my problems wouldn't just disappear when I got to leave for school, but now I'm starting to think they will. Once I'm away from my parents I think some miraculous changes will occur. I can reinvent myself-- no one is going to know me as "the girl who never smiles".
I have to have foot surgery tomorrow =(. I'll write again soon.

September 6, 2001 OK, first, allow me to apologize for my slackerness in updating and responding to emails. If you've emailed me lately, I'll be getting to it in the next few days and I swear, I'll write back. If I don't, feel free to keep bothering me! =)
Sooooo, here I am at school, FINALLY! You guys, its soooo wonderful! You've got so much to look forward to. I promise, it will get better once you're out of your situation. Everything is so different here, its such a refreshing change! I have met so many great new people, and my classes and professors so far are interesting (which may change tonite~ computer science I).
I will keep you guys posted I swear, I'm going to go take care of your email now! Love ya!

September 15, 2001 Hi again! I responded to *all* of your emails (I think, if I missed you, please harrass me). I guess you guys must be mad though cuz I haven't gotten any for a couple weeks.
Everything is still wonderful. My roomie and I get along great. I have kept the depression a secret from everyone here. And since I've been so happy, I doubt anyone suspects anything =). Not that I'm implying theres anything to be ashamed of... its just nice to not be known as "the girl who never smiles". Thats all for now, I have lots of reading to do for class. Bye-bye guys! Love, Lizzy

September 22, 2001 Good morning everyone! I just got back from an evening with my boyfriend. He doesn't go to school here, he came up to see me from home. We spent the night together, and I'm pretty dissappointed. He didn't hold me close as often as I would have liked. This was the longest amount of time I've ever spent with him... and he's not the person I thought he was. I'm having a hard time identifying the qualities that drew me to him... at this point I'm speculating that it was simply because he was interested in me. Crappy reason, huh? He's loud, kinda obnoxious, he doesn't listen that well, always interupts, and very critical of everyone. Good points.... he can be very sweet and if something was ever seriously wrong again I know that he would be there for me. But I think this relationship is going to be better off as friends. Also he's very experienced, and I'm not (which is fine cuz i'm only 18). Sooooo I guess I'll pretend like nothing is wrong for a week or two then start letting my emails die down until he asks whats up... if he asks whats up. Thats all for now~ Lizzy.

October 12, 2001 Hello all. I ended it with the boyfriend on the first of October. It was pretty rough, and its still sad. But it was mutual and we are going to stay friends. I went to the depression screening they had on campus last week. That was the first step I have taken toward diagnosis and treatment. The lady I spoke with recommended counselling. My first appointment is on the 15th. I am kind of scared about going. I will let you know how it turns out. Will someone please email me? Theres been nothing there for days and days now... how is everyone?

October 20, 2001 I kept appointment with the counsellor. It was not fun. This is going to be extremely difficult, but I'm sure that by the end of the year it will have been worth it. I go again on Nov 8th I believe. I don't want to go... but its for the best. Til next time. December 20, 2001 Its been quite some time since I've written, thank you to those of you who pointed it out to me. I kept my counselling appointment, and it sucked. I had one more after that, then I quit. I know I didn't give it long enough, but it wasn't helping, it was making things worse. I didn't even like the lady, which didn't help at all. I was anxious before I went and I was anxious there, but when I came back I was happy for a little while because it was over. Ultimately, she wasn't helping.
I'm doing okay. My first quarter of school is over. I got a 3.76. One B in stupid Computer Science. My roommate moved out a couple weeks ago. I was dating a guy I met here for about two months, but then he broke up with me. I lost my roommate and my boyfriend in a span of 24 hours. I was pretty lonely for awhile. I'm doing okay now. I go home for winter break tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it, other than I get to dance!! =)))) Keep in touch, I love you guys.
OOOOOHHHHHH yeah, I've got an assignment for you guys! I want you to write a letter to yourself. About anything, whats going on in your life right now, what you want in the future, your predictions for the future, etc. Then, on New Years Day (Jan 1 2002), you seal it up in an envelope and put it away. One year later, on January 1st, 2003, you open it up and read it. It really really really is a great thing to do guys. I've been doing it for 6 years and its so cool to see what you wrote a year ago. To see what makes you sad and frustrates you and how its changed, plus how way off (or so close its scary) your predictions for the year were. I hope you do it! If you do, let me know (and if you don't, email me and tell me why please!). Goodnight!

February 23, 2002 Hello. Its been a long time. I've been doing well lately with the exception of the past few days. I've been sleeping a lot and not feeling well mentally. My comfort is that I know in time it passes. The million dollar question is how much time needs to go by? I have to go home for break again in a few days so that doesn't help. I'm still thinking about totally changing the look of the page, what do you think? Vote below please.
I hope everyone is feeling well, I haven't heard from anyone in a long time so if you want to send a message to me it would be extremely welcome. Take care.