My Neighbor, Friend, Sister is a Battered Woman

24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-376-2272
"Peace Begins in the Home"

MY NEIGHBOR/FRIEND/SISTER IS A BATTERED WOMAN

How can I talk to her about it?

Tell her that you have just been to a meeting or read a book about women who get hit or hurt by their partners. You have been wondering if that happens to her.
Understand that women don't identify themselves as abused because they are often blamed for it, i.e.; thre is something wrong with me if I put up with it, it's my fault, I must be stupic, etc.
Put the responsibliity where it lies--on the shoulders of the abuser. There is no reason for beating another person.
Stress the fact that the woman is not alone; that there is help availabe. Give her information on the resources and services for her.
Let the woman know you are there if she needs to run for help.
Recognize and deal with all the cocietal pressures and role expectations on the woman to keep the family together at all cost, i.e., "it's my duty to stay with him, the kids need a father, etc." Particularly important are the financial reasons which a woman stays with her partner.
Understand that many women are trapped into these abusive relationships for fear of being murdered or seriously hurt or of losing the children.

What if she refuses any help?

Tell her that if she should ever need help, she can come to you. Leave the door open for her to talk to you.
Try to suspend your judgement to her. She is surviving her situation as best as she knows how. Only she can know how difficult that is.
Understand that most battered women go in and out of the abusive relationship several times before deciding to permaneently leave.
Sensitive listening is of the utmost importance--the usual experience of battered women is that no one listens to them seriously.
Recognize and point out that family violence is learned at home and that it is not healthy for children to live in a violent home simply so they can be with their father.
If you talk with an abuser about his vio:

What can I do for their Children?

Understand that in most families violence is never spoken of openly. And yet, the children are aware of the violence. Usually they do not think it is okay to talk about it.
Let the children know that if they even need help or are scared they can come to you.
Understand that children may be angry with the mother as well as with the father. They may see her as weak and unable to protect them.
All children want to love both their parents no matter how abusive they may be. Most do not want to hear that their father is "bad."
Be a good model. Teach the children how to talk out problems and conflicts. Give them praise and compliments when they deserve them. Teach respect for each individual.
If you suspect child abuse, call Dane County Social Services and report it. You do not have to give your name. They will then investigate.

How can I prevent abuse from happening in my own children's lives when they grow up?

Teach verbal negotiation. Teach your children to talk out problems and conflicts. The best teaching method is by modeling.
Build self-esteem. Praise your children as often as possible.
Teach self-protective behaviors. Let your children know they can refuse unwanted touching, even from relatives and friends. Teach children it is okay to scream, try to get away or to be assertive if they are scared or uncomfortable with an adult.
Teach your sons to be as gentle and nurturing as your daughters. Gentleness and nuturance are human traits, not feminine traits. Teach your sons to talk about their feelings.