Fingersucker

So my friend N and I had been speaking more frequently, and I was getting a feeling that maybe he was interested in being more than just friends--for instance, when I suggested we date, he answered, "Anytime!" Well, I've been wrong before...

So we go out last night to try to catch "Lord of the Rings" (which was sold out), so we go out to dinner, where during the course of the conversation, I asked when he had decided he wanted date me--was this a recent thing, or a long-standing crush, or what? He says, "I don't know." Unfortunately, no alarms go off.

So we go back to his apartment, watch one of his DVDs (After I had asked if he had any porn, which he claimed he didn't. Liar.), channel surf, whatever. My head ends up in his lap. He starts stroking my hair, caressing my ears, eventually starts kissing my fingers...aah, I'm thinking, this is OK...this is nice.   So he gets up to go to the bathroom, or something, comes back, and I'm stretched out on the sofa.  He's looking down at me, and I'm thinking, well, shit, now or never. So I kiss him. So when we finish, he looks at me and says, "I'm confused."   Well, now that makes both of us, now doesn't it?!

I wish I could've seen the look on my face. It must have been priceless. I'm like, "What? Confused about what? What are you talking about?! Oh, my God!" He tells me to calm down. I thought you were interested in me! Well no... You were kissing my fingers!! I got caught up in the moment... Caught up in the MOMENT? WHAT moment? We were watching lame comedians at 3 in the morning!   So then, after I'm over my initial shock and confusion, we have a little heart to heart. He's guilt ridden over ending a relationship over a year ago that was going nowhere, and doesn't want/isn't suited for dating, and is so inexperienced in relation to my worldliness, and he never thought in a million years I would actually be interested in him...

In short, N is just like every other commitment-phobe asshole I've been dating for the past 6 months.

What's up? Why don't you return my phone calls? I'm reasonably sure I don't deserve to be ignored by you. Are you not talking to me anymore? That would be painfully ironic, considering that the reason I denied myself the many pleasures of a sexual relationship with you was to preserve our friendship. I'm half assed joking, but if we're not gonna keep in touch anyway, I should have let my physical urges rule me. I hope to at least get an e-mail response from you soon. Hope everything is well. N.