about dicentra
it is more than a little difficult for me to write about myself, at least in this context, so i will keep things here simple and direct. if Y/you want to know more, check out the biography page at dicentra's gallery, or feel free to email me.
i am a 28 year old submissive female living in the Chicago area. i have known all my life that i am submissive; i was born with a natural desire to please those around me, and to submit to Another's will. the approval of others has always been paramount in my mind; if i felt someone's displeasure or disapproval of me it would nearly tear my heart in two, particularly from someone i cared about or respected.
also, from the time i was very young i was concerned with serving as best i could. i wanted to give myself to others, to give all that i was because this was how i found happiness and redemption. for a time, i even considered becoming a nun because i thought that was the way to lead a life of service. (i grew up in a strict Catholic home).
in high school, i was firmly convinced i had been born into the wrong generation. what i wanted in a relationship was more like the marriages of generations earlier. i wanted a man who was a man, who had charge of the household and its occupants, whose word was law, and who had the right to not only set the rules but to discipline any who broke them, be it his children or wife. i felt like i couldn't talk to anyone about this, i thought i was crazy, that my thoughts and beliefs were aberrant behaviour, so i stifled them, keeping my longings a secret.
as i grew older, i began to read D/s literature, things like the Story of O, the Beauty books, Justine, (Marquis de Sade); and while, for the most part, these were a little harsh for my taste, i finally felt as though i had found a society of people that were like me. at the very least, i knew i wasn't alone. it was enlightening and frightening. i spent a long time thinking about whether or not this was what i really wanted before i was ready to go out and meet people for the first time. even then, i was scared, and with good reason. if i had spent a little more time thinking and researching and hadn't jumped too soon into a relationship, i might have been better off.
on my first foray into a D/s club in Chicago i met the man who would become my r/l Master. because i knew nothing about D/s other than what i had read in books, He engaged a Domainatrix friend of His to train me for Him. He and i were together for five years in a relationship that had, like most relationships, both good and bad times. near the end, the bad times far outweighed the good, and i began to realize that the relationship i had become involved in was one of abuse and not of D/s. it took a great deal of time and strength for me to not only come to this realization, but to summon the courage to leave.
once W/we had parted, i was looking for a way to reintroduce D/s into my life, and started wandering around a few online sites. i started off in yahoo, which was a bit overwhelming to me. the chaos there was a bit much, and i almost immediately moved to another site, known as The Main Hall. this is where i currently make my online home, and i am proud to say i am a system op there and have been for about six months now.
the atmosphere in Main Hall is one of a close knit family, and i have learned much from T/those i have been privileged enough to get to know there. there are those there like myself, who are looking to reintroduce D/s into their lives, and there are T/those there who are just learning, discovering the submissive or Dominant inside T/themselves and are so excited and enthusiastic about each new discovery that T/they relight the fires inside of me just being near T/them.
now, i can happily say that i know my beliefs, my choices, my fantasies and my dreams are normal, and i am proud to embrace my life choice to be a slave. my submissiveness is as much a part of me as my green eyes or my impatient streak, and i am glad to have it within me. i can't imagine a more satisfying relationship that that of slave and Master. or a more satisfying life than that of an owned slave.
still want to know more? please read my slave's journal or my poetry for more insight.
Those who follow this page read last fall of this girl collaring to a Master whom she deeply loved, and the twists and turns of the relationship after that point. In the winter, my updates to this page began to dwindle, and finally stopped completely. At first it was just the various concerns of life that left me less and less time to update the page, but later it was emotional turmoil as the relationship ended and i struggled to move forward with my life.
i tried updating this page in mid-may, tried beginning the journal again, but the upheaval in my life hadn't settled down and it was a false start. i made many mistakes, some that hurt people i care for very much, and some that hurt myself. i won't go into detail, at least not yet, but if you follow the journal, (now up again) you will see where the paths of my life take me from here on.
Thank you for being patient with me while my page laid stagnant for so long. After a long frost, dicentra is blooming again, and welcomes you back to follow her journey along with her.
~di.
