The love of my life, for that is alway's what i told him "Your the love of my life,Man of my dreams" Michael passed away,it seems unreal,it seemed unreal,like it was a rotten joke.How could it be?We had so much yet to do,so much yet to share.At the time we were arguring because Michael drank heavily and was addicted to percocet.We were in the process of purchasing our first home,and i felt like i was doing this all by myself without any help. I thought if i scared him enough,by making him think me and our children were not going to live like this just maybe he would stopdrinking etc..This fighting went on for about a week and a half,we really didn't speak to eachother and he was staying with friends,it was at this time he died..We had spoke three days before he died and he sounded heartbroken,defeated.His mother had passed away a year before this,and i now realize he was extremly depressed about it.I knew i hurt him,but you see we constantlt fought and made up,we were always both "pig headed" neither one of us ever wanted to be the first on to "Give in" So when we did speak,each of us was, so sure we were not going to be the one to "give in" that although i wanted so badly to "give in" my pride wouldn't let me..His last words to me were that "payback is a bitch" and he hung up on me.I wanted to call him back but i didn't..How true those last words were,i was only about to find out...The day before Michael passed away he called and talked to the children,he told them how much he loved them and he was coming home soon..I was so excited,finally he was giving in,and he would be home tonight..Well he didn't come home,i assumed he was out drinking.I was later to find out he had an electrical fire in his car maybe that was why??The next morning i went to sign the final papers for our new home,there was no backing out now,i was on top of the world..Finally all of our dreams would be a reality..Everything was going to be fine..I came home from signing and called him at the bar where he frequented i couldn't wait to tell him,he wasn't there,but the bartender a friend of ours,said she was unsure how to tell me this but Michael was dead,Someone had just called there(at the bar) looking for me..It was then that i felt my life ended...but i couldn't believe this.She said the coroner was at the house he was at,and they were taking him..I yelled at her to stop the coroner,make him wait until i could get there,that noone was going to take Michael anywhere..Well i ran out leaving my children,only yelling for them to call gramma...Screaming and crying..Michael is dead,o'god no..Please no.. I made it there just in time,how i drove i'm unsure,i was able to see from my tears..But of course i made it there in record time.I was able to see him..Sleeping with his blankets on,sleeping just the way he always did.The way he always looked when he was sleeping..He looked so peaceful..He didn't look like he went through any pain..The police and coroner would not allow me to touch him..It was then through my tears that i knew he was gone,he left me..It was my fault this happened,that he was all alone..His lips were blue,and his skin well that to was not his normal color..They told me i had to leave..HOW How could i possibly leave him,god no ..was he scared,was he afraid???Where did they think they were going to bring him,i wanted to know when they would bring him back home..They of course told me,he was going for an autopsy and they would release him to the funeral home..Friends of ours were outside waiting for me..Thank god because i was unable to walk,think,feel or breathe..I then went to the bar where he frequented..There were so many people there..I continued to drink until i thought i couldn't feel,but it never happened..I couldn't stop thinking and feeling..So i just drowned myself in alcohol..Until i finally had to go home..As each day went by i felt numb..Everyday worse than the last,losing control more and more mentally and emotionally.Unable to focus or care,hating myself for all the hurtful things i'd ever said to him,knowing that i could never take those words away..Knowing i took him for granted,thinking he would always be there.I wanted so badly for him to stop drinking that i kept arguing, he kept telling me to be nice stop bitching. I wanted so badly to have a normal life ,that i gave up the chance of us just enjoying life..I was terrified that he gave up hope on us..that he didn't know just how much i really do,did love him..I didn't want to believe he was gone,but life has a way of making you believe,a very cruel way..I was so afraid that he was alone,scared,and hurting..but i was insane..I now know that was just how i was feeling..and still feel.I needed and still need just for him to hold me.,Whenever he held me in his arms,i always felt so safe,so protected,that nothing bad could ever happen to me,i felt so content...Therte was no way now for that to ever be..The day before the funeral i was able to spend the afternoon with Michael alone at the funeral home..I looked forward to that day,i was so afraid to touch him at first thinking that in some way i would hurt him..He was so cold,i layed on his chest,but he couldn't hold me..I kept kissing him and playing with his hair,but he couldn't feel me..He couldn't look at me with those eyes that i always saw his love for me in...My whole insides felt like they were being ripped from inside of me...How could this be,how could this happen,how can i live without him..When god took michael he took half of me.I began to beg Michael to come and take me with him.I prayed to god to just let me die,i thought if i said this enough to god that it would happen.Nothing friends or family can say ,can ever lessen the pain or make things better..The one and only thing i needed was for Michael to hold me,and that cannot be...So me and the children moved into our new home..life seemed to go on for everyone but me,i was just standing there unable to move on..The physical and emotional pain was just to much for one person to bare..So i tried to kill myself to be with Michael..The doctor is still unsure how i am still alive today..I believe Michael was there by myside,making sure i didn't died,so i could care for our children,that it was time that i try to go on..I felt Michael hold me...I believe he really did...I am now in private counselling,and attending a grief support group.I am taking anti-depressants twice a day..I am still unable to sleep,but sometimes when i do,its very hard to wake up,i've lost weight,having a hard time focusing,and remembering things.My doctor has labeled me a severe depressant.Although the pain hasn't stopped,and i can't make it through a day,a hour without thinking of Michael.It seems everything i see ,or hear reminds me of him,i can't go a few hours without crying,and feeling such unbearable pain,i can't look towards the future,i can barely look towards tomorrow.I now know that i have to live whether i want to or not.That in life there are times when you have no choices,i know that i must take life each minute as it comes,maybe someday i'll be able to handle each day,but for now i'm only looking in minutes..I am raw inside and out.I now understand that no one can really help you through this "Grief".It is a unique feeling that each of us must bare on our own.It hits the core of our being,our soul..Although i believe in god,i feel much closer to him now.I've learned that this happens to most of us going down "This Path"..I now believe in life after death,although it doesn't bring much comfort right now,i know that when it is my time and only then...I will finally be with Michael...
What we have once enjoyed,we can never lose.All that we love deeply becomes a part of us..
As you hold me close in memory,even though we are apart.My spirit will live on there within your Heart...
