Furry

Was there ever a word that, whenever you heard it, just got your ears pricked up and put thoughts in your head? OK, sure, for many people words like "sex", "money", and "free beer" do it. Well, the word for today is "furry."

I don't mean furry as in anthropomorphic cartoon characters, necessarily. Although I go for particularly yiffy furries too, if you know what I mean.

But what I really mean is what most folks in this genteel society we live in think of as excessively hairy. A gorilla. Not quite completely evolved. A guy with a hairy chest, hairy shoulders, hairy back, and a hairy everything. Someone who has to blow-dry his chest after a shower. (By the way, I am definitely talking about guys. No gender equality on this issue--furry gals just don't do it for me.)

I tend to describe myself as "furry," yet I'm not talking about my junior-grade level of body hair here. I'm talking about dense shag carpeting here. Hair you can get your fingers deep into. Hair you can lose your fingers in. Hair that shouts "I have testosterone and I know how to use it."

Every once in a while I run into one of these specially endowed beasts. Usually it's at the gym, which is one of the few places you regularly get to see guys in their natural states, even if only for a few seconds. I usually end up with eyestrain from trying to surreptitiously count the hairs on a guy's back while I nonchalantly get myself dressed or undressed.

Now, I have to pause and say that since I started working out at a "serious" gym (translation: no staring allowed), I get to see more than a few hairless guys, and I'm a fan of a nice, well-kept, smooth body, even if the body's owner has to shave it regularly. Especially if he has to shave it regularly. I'm kinky, I admit it. It's one of those little dichotomies of mine, liking hair and liking to take it off. But enough of the digression.

I guess the reason I like furry guys is that they at least appear to be closer to the animal than the average human seems to be. Of course, that's a generalization, and it's not like I'm accusing fur-bearing men of being more primitive than they want to think they are. I can hope though. There are times when I want to forget that civilization has spoiled me and my fellow man. Give me the right furry guy and plenty of room to rassle and grope, and I'll just growl and purr in a right contented fashion.

Funny thing is, just about all the really furry guys I have seen are missing fur at the very top. Something about all that testosterone that causes hair on the rest of the guy's body seems to heat up the scalp and burn the hair off there. Unfortunate in a way, but not terribly so considering what they say about bald men being sexier than the average. (Interesting sidelight: all the men I've slept with more than three times are balding to some extent. Don't tell them I said that though.)

There's just one thing though. No matter how hairy a guy is, it's still not quite as functional as, say, a wolf's fur is. Get the furriest guy you know, shove him outside in the winter, and he'll still be cold. Me, I want everything. In my next life, I'm coming back as a werewolf. Now that's furry for you.

In the meantime, I'm going to a video store to look for a Robin Williams movie where he's shirtless. Furry enough for me.

—Charlie Songdog
February 13, 1998