I would to be alike to my friend Sasha, who was one year younger than me, for amazing smart, brisk and very beautiful boy. Recollecting childhood years since that, trying to find sources of myself, analyzing, I am sure that it was my first Love...

Since then a lot of time has passed. Becoming adult we acquire "wisdom", "vital experience ", but we leave from that children's simplicity, spontaneity. Alas. Too different people we are - adults and children. The large person is "socially adapted", knows that is allowed, that is forbidden by "norms". Thinks and works often commonplacely. The small person as a matter of fact is an animal movable by instincts, original and unique, not affected by dogmatism of the society, with a heap of non-realized emotions on a surface. Just about it I always sigh in nostalgia - in childhood, in youth there was a peak of admiration from knowledge of new, beauty of world, mad passion of love.

Just there, in childhood, are formed and are oppressed by external influences our kindness and fear, hatred, angry. Just then our person begin made average, lead up to norm by society, our parents. For example my relations with my mother never were simple before. Both of us are powerful persons and it did not allow us to get on peacefully. I always aspired to freedom and independence, but alas, many mothers consider, that they better know what is "better" for their children. Small person, in the meantime yet, still can't worthy repulse, and consequently is in loss. In four years I sat and looked in a window. "Where are you looking? " - has asked me mother. "I search for a new mom," - I have answered. Do not hasten to laugh to a joke, if you sometime will be told the same.

Respect a child, I want to tell you. It is small height person, with its own world, inaccessible to you. And if you have undertaken to create a new person, try to help to be developed his individualities, instead of emasculate it. Also do not take in head ever to say him "scum", and furthermore to beat - it is inexcusably!

I have become a still boy - did not understand and was afraid of all this life. They have tried wonderfully, trying to make me "obedient", to restrain. They had managed. But "still waters run deep" and I was rescued by that that always connected me with childhood, all the same in what age I was - it is incessant turn of dreams. In them you are free from conventions, are saved from severe real world. In them you always can be yourselves. This world always yours. And my castle-mountain on a far uninhabited island was mine asylum. Its rocks passing in a towers, infinite galleries of passages, huge halls and small cells were either occupied by ghosts, or deserted. In woods of an island were hidden huts with witches, arranging sabbaths. But not this was main. All this somewhat was the surroundings. Main was that it was my island of love, where I steal from a reality met to me whether it be in the street, in the bus or cinema beautiful boy. Someone there could linger over for a long time, someone was quickly forgotten, but to each I had feeling of good, tenderness, help. And we were happy!

Certainly, I am not for certain original. Many hide themselves and hide, live as iceberg, hiding the thinks for middle statistical grimace, but simultaneously experiencing the wild love novels, distant trips. Someone is the emperor, someone is executioner and sadist, someone is victim. All voluntary and to satisfaction. And if now I had an opportunity, without falling to thinking I would plunged into this mad and drawn world; only there it is possible to achieve absolute happiness, and anywhere.

The whole youth has passed in this virtual reality, as someone would tell now. In that life, where there was my body, something did not suit me. I wanted boundless happiness, pleasure, true, but the life broke off. I was lonely, strange and another for those of the same age, and their sneers were painful.

But at the age of 15, at this time of injection of some new hormones in blood, revolution in biology of organism, and as result - new push to life or death, new contradictions, aspirations, boundless reinforcement of sexual emotions and longings - all has turned over - I has fallen in love!

And though this feeling in due course, very painfully, but almost was completely dissolved (only echo, as after universal accidents, catch up many years after) I know, that such Love is. Absolute Love, here that I recollect with melancholy as lost irrevocably, irreversible in this life...

Oh, how world is fine, With all its adversities, losses and foul weathers... Oh, how world is fine! - I have written then.

It was fantastic fellow, my friend. We laugh a lot, we spent a lot of time together, drink vodka much. We often were beside. But he did not know, as far as often we were together, in my brain, inflamed by love. Yes, the love is illness hitting everything, this fatal madness, creating miracles, moving mountains and depriving life.... The words are too poor to speak about this feeling.

Later I fall to thinking, and what would be, if I have found response in him, if he has appeared the same as me? And it seemed to me, there would be a resonance and our emotions would destroy the world. All would stop to exist. There would be only three essences: I, he and empty universe... But subjunctive mood in history does not present. And the person - dynamical essence, and majority survives and outlive... even Love. And it is a pity. I all the same maximalist, and as one of our singers sang: "if to fly - so to fly, if to shoot - so to shoot!" There is a sense in stopping, by reaching top, by imprinting an instant of an ecstasy, by seizing absolute happiness... But personally I have passed and has gone further, being lowered years.

After I was interested in the question - what strong youth friendship is? You see as a matter of fact I had it never; that I had named as this definition - there was simply love. But my sexual orientation is other, mine libido is in searches of the reflection, man's sex. And how are friends heterosexuals? I, likely, am possessed by the idea of Freudism in interpretation of human mutual relation, and frequently see certain, in most cases obviously not shown, sexual underlying reason in them, this "the basic instinct". And in youth, when in the person literally boils hypersexuality, are there not present secret propelling agents at "the man's friendship" really? Whether are not present here echoes of that primary children's many-different-sexuality, which we reject, suppress, hide all stayed life, and at the end successfully we unify and rob ourselves? And as many as I did not asked different people, I till now can not find the unequivocal answer.

However then I thought, that we "simply are the very good friends" with Igor. And only in long evenings of loneliness - "here, he again has exchanged our friendship for any girl" - I began still to not understand but only to feel - I am other!

The process of comprehension of oneself by homosexual is usually very long at the majority of the people. Though now it changes. Some information appeared in the society, i.e. what is necessary for the thinking person in such cases to analyze and to understand himself. When there were events, described by me, that is in up to- and early- Perestroyka time, any mentions about homosexuality, except as "deviation" and "perversion" in two volume book of psychiatry, for example I could not find. Therefore it will become clear, whether it was easy to lonely in the hostile world young person to understand himself (and to recognize: I AM NOT NORMAL!)

In my case this process was delayed for years, almost as "a step forward, two back". I left in myself, in this cave, where it was possible to disappear from law and order, from the law and to forget about this infinite turn of painful questions - who am I, what am I, what I'm for? I can understand those people, who prick themselves, drink, kill on the ground of these torments. And I hope, that my story will help to you to understand, that it is your kind Christian morals in the answer for it - that the person not doing harm, is humiliated and is offended by the society, is exile in it.

Gorbachov changes and Glastnosti began to change the world and once in Moscow, I have come across on gay newspaper, more correct even to tell the leaflet - such small format it was. I do not remember, why I have paid attention to it. It is ridiculous now to describe mine red ears in that moment, when I bought it. Certainly I thought, that everyone look at me and think "fagot". But this short information has given me much. I have understood - I am not one in the world.

The person - is social animal, and for us is very important to find understanding, approval in environment. It gives us forces and encourages. It that is imperceptible to the majority of the people, is perceived by them as due, self-evident. It is about what only can dream excluded from permitted- acceptable young gay man or lesbian woman. Certainly we collide with the same problems, as "strait" - to find lover, circle of the friends, sexual partner (s). But to do it for us it is in many times more difficult. Certainly, people are different. Someone is more opened, and can be even impudent in such searches. But the absolute majority of gays will not simply approach to guy and will not say "you are liked to me, let's get acquainted", as it is quite acceptable in heterosexual relations. In this connection is graphic very much an example of the Metro: you go on the escalator - downwards or upwards, and towards other goes. Yours roving look meets his look. You look in eyes, almost all understanding. But the escalator goes further. You turn and he turns. But anything possible to return...

This mine unlikeness, certainly, influenced onto formation of my outlook in general. This global dissatisfaction, sufferings forced to think about sense of life, to stir and to subject doubt basic axioms, to search for own philosophical way. Saint-Exuperi, Selinger, Jack London, and certainly "Master and Margo" by Mikhail Bulgakov and other books were beside with me at these searches. It was the own way of comprehension by the person, reappraisal of global values, morals, rules - of all. What, unfortunately, do not do the majority of the people. Alas, the people have not got used to think. The people trust not falling to thinking. This herd instinct, this "continuity of generations" always simply enraged me.

To assert the person, unlikeness, certainly is more difficult. For it is necessary to struggle. The struggle, in general, in the obvious, strong or latent form always was with me in life. For how without it? This is necessary condition of upholding of oneself. Directly I have confronted with it in the army. I did not like to recollect this time ever after. First, all cannot be describe - there was other world, other values. They will not be understood by anyone, who has not gone through similar. Secondly, I don't like to whimper. Yes, it was sternly. Half-year after army I had mental not endurance of someone's steps behind. It was the simple animal fear. In the street I have let the passers go forward. But in due course all let go. The only that I could not forgive to the people, it is not important, those colleagues or aged nice little woman "Kill him, kill!", that that all their morals is lying. All these Christian sermons about good come to naught, when we are driven in a corner - at us opens the true face - the face of an animal. There are no animal worse than monkeys - petty, squab, dirty, cowardly, herded. We - superior primates.

I ascertain it as the fact, not estimating it as "good" or "bad", for I am the same. But I was always honor, not promising, that it will be honeyed to tribesmen to live with me. I am selfish, and in compliance with this I act. Therefore I struggle and defend myself, my right on life!

This army time has generated from me the adult man. I "have stood all difficulties and adversities", but not simply, as the majority. I have battled as I could. And even if I was not right at all, in anything not right, I respect myself only for that that I had not yield to system, "had left a row", "from a track" (citations from the songs of V. Tsoy, V. Vysotsky - favorites of different generations). But during all this vital commotion I have ceased to be that young, not knowing real life boy, which with delight and charm looked at beauty of the world, was naive, idolized ideals - all this was scattered in ashes. He saw the true face of the Person and has terrified...

In our life extremely rare, but there are turning-points, certain mile stones, with what begins new. For me such moment has become the answer to myself: "Yes, I homosexual. I am such". It yield to me not easy. "Well, it's enough to look at boys, since today I look at girls!" - I have given installation to myself. It was on the verge of despair - attempt not to submit to the nature, to alter myself. And so has turned out, just at this time case has brought me together with the girl, very beautiful (it is necessary to notice - very similar to the young man), clever girl (that is rare to meet). And I already almost triumphed - fate! But she has told - no. I have smiled and answered to myself: "No, so is no... (pause) Fool, relax. The life is beautiful! Be pleased!... (pause) Oh!!! What nice fellow has gone!"

Many gays experience similar crises, though someone realizes himself absolutely painlessly. Realizes and gives himself the right to be such, what is. For me it were the most heavy internal discords, these torments, this struggle on internal front. I was driven in a corner by own stereotypes for long time. When for myself I have recognized the right to be such, it has become much easier to me to go to the following boundary - to assert myself, unlikeness, originality before environmental, society. I have told myself: the world = I. And to spit to me about what they will think! If something does not suit them, it is their problems, not mine.

I didn't have familiar gays still. And I have come to the following idea, as it will not seem banal to someone, and to other - unreal, that all is in my forces. If I shall continue to sit with fold arms and be sad, it will help nothing. Well, then I have thought up a phrase - slogan, which after years now sometimes I say to complaining young: "who searches, that probably will find, but even if not, the process is thrilling and interesting by itself". And you know, it has helped to me. Not I have altered myself to the world, but the world has changed for me.

Certainly, to submit with oneself unlikeness within the bounds of cranium, this "black box" for others, and to exist, living double life, thinking one, speaking another, acting don't see how at all - is difficult, but it is possible. And so the majority of homosexuals does. To leave from this underground, to declare yourself, to recognize before society that you "the very one" is qualitatively other boundary.

For me now it is far behind. In the beginning I talked cautiously, by hints, about it to the friends; having not met rejecting I spoke more confidently aloud "my sexual orientation is different"; I learnt to speak about it not taking my eyes aside. In some moment it took even the form of sports interest - whom in the next time I will open to? Sure I exaggerate a little - you see all these people were not mere passers-by but those who knew me and treated me well.

Now I can reason about it easily, call others to be more open etc., but I never insist, for I understand as it is difficult to person to decide. It is necessary to have some bravery (or madness) to make a step and to cross this psychological barrier of fear. All of us are impregnated with this sticky, weighing on us fear. Whether it from GULAG, whether from later time, whether earlier it began be cultivated in our public consciousness - who knows, but it is the fact. We always were taught not to be put out, to be average, gray, one of the crowd. It still ruined us till now.

There was a time when I disappeared from the world too. Was hidden, lied. But I am the strong person and it worked on me by literally destructive way. It is not a joke, my mentality exhausted both itself and my body. I did not want to live a double life - it is like to look over your unfreedom yourself. I had a precise dilemma before myself - to win or to die. It was necessary to write the diploma, to search for a bride, to arrange the life as a good citizen... I spat upon all these conventions, wrote a letter to my parents, get in the commodity car and rushed towards wind. Forward roads and uncertainty. It was alike a hunted wolf - in a circle of red tags - breaks through, in unknown, across, being rescued itself. It was my way. I wanted to get rid. I wanted to survive. I have become Hobo.

It was a certain symbolism. It is such a lot of Andrei's in the world but I am only one. And when parents give a name to his boy they do not know what then will grow up from him. So I have become Hobo. This is an American word of 20-th which named young tramps going on a Road in searches of adventures, love, earthly pleasures. There always was, is and will be a shallow brooklet at some distance from a wide channel of a human flow in history. Someone will always think, act unlike Me, You, He, She, It, unlike the majority. Someone names them strange, someone calls to exterminate "all these hairies, junkies, homos", someone concerns with sympathy or respect. But these others - always will be, despite anything.

That I want to say by it, is a question about tolerance. The world is already too overcrowded. It is seen when you walk on a usual road (sidewalk, for example) - coming constantly across the people, children, dogs and cars. Therefore pledge of our survival, if anybody is going to, consists in peaceful coexistence. Whatever various we are, however I correspond to your stereotypes and you - to my desire, etc. Otherwise - only global wars; but they should be left, perhaps, to SF writers. The way from tolerance to understanding and respect is difficult but it is a sole road if to look sensibly.

.... I got out from the track on the little station. Lay on warm asphalt. Screwed up my eyes to spring sunny. My God! What else is necessary? What for the people fight, hate? Silence... Simple pleasures... I made a step, left from the habitual and the world lay beneath my feet. It was the spring of my new life. A night cold, a nasty rain, a burning sun - they were my companions in wanderings on the earth. But it was freedom! To be on a Road, to go towards wind, to meet new people - what can be better? A reality and the dreams were interwoven. And there just cannot understand - who are you? A wolf - single, exited, looking... A naked body, prostration on a deserted coast of sea... Or circling and shouting seagull: Aaaaah... Aaaaah... Aaaaah...

The new were opened to me - it is worth to live and to enjoy life. It is necessary to be an optimist and less to whine. I was in my element there, on open spaces, when "boxes" do not cover horizon and you can go to any distance!

My relations with the relatives was never simple. Actually I always have an interest to related souls, not to blood. The parents could not reconcile immediately to my unlikeness and we have passed since then very and very long way of show-downs. My reasons were the following: I have not changed. I only have opened to you a part of my person, which even earlier was with me, it is inseparable its. Only so I am harmonious, whole. And now you know me, what I am .. I have left lie and become honest. And I am proud for it. If you really loved me, respect me on now.

Not all has worked. "You should be treated " - they told me. I laughed in the answer in eyes. I was often even severe in upholding of my freedom, independence. But life is a struggle. Someone always loses. I wanted to live and to be pleased. Thus suffered who prevented me in it. However, in due course, all becomes easier. And even sportsman lost a time uses fruits of the victory. Therefore I consider that all these tears were not in vain.

My grandmother is the person, solely to whom I want to say thank for her sincere kindness. She could grow fond anew, though I am "not a present". We very well understood each the other with my sister. Incidentally we are similar in many respects.

Our society, unfortunately, is still homophobic very much. As whole the theme of homosexuality still rather offends the ear and the people agree to conversation on it with unwillingness. Someone continues to think about homosexuals as about perverts. Someone considers that they rape and corrupt the youth. Somebody else is even more radical in views. And it actually is necessary to be cautious in streets, where it is possible to run into physical violence from the group of "militant" youth.

On the one hand it results from conservatism of human thinking, taking into account the historical and religious very negative attitude to male homosexuality. On the other hand it is nourished by the new social and economic conditions: with a proceeding bad economic situation the people grow angry very much, thus this feeling finds an image of an enemy including "occurrence of some pederasts" (we have become more visible). However as the more general reason of such a bad attitude to sexual minority I would called an absence in the whole of democratic traditions in a society, respect for the person, individuality.

However there undoubtedly ever occurs more people among the majority, who treat with indifference or even with respect various unordinary displays of human essence, and sexuality in particular. To be objective, I should tell that I did not hear lately about awful examples, for instance, of beating homosexuals, i.e. that we name "repair". I do not know any person among my acquaintances who had opened and would be reduced in rank at the work or dismissed. Though, certainly, it is possible that somewhere such cases took and take place.

Unfortunately, gays use this change of a situation in a very small degree and the fear dominates in their life. The majority still is inclined to be hidden, being afraid not only "to come out of closet", but even to communicate with other gays. Lesbian life, though has a less negative shade in public consciousness, that can seem not so strange to you, is practically absolutely invisible.

The society, on its part, will not change the attitude to homosexuality until the people will see "real" gays beside, friends, acquaintances, be faced with them in life, instead of receiving the scrappy and inconsistent items of information from mass media. Unfortunately in this case we see the closed circle.

Frankly speaking, I have little liking for queers just because they are often excessively timid, mentally complexed. Probably I am wrong for I cannot so. Do the people really do not understand that it is their life and it passes irrevocably. Why the people are ready to be reconciled with it, why they do not come on barricades in struggle for happiness, for love? At the end it is a questions of self-respect, dignity. Why they are uneasy more about what the neighbor will tell? What the hell!? There is such a sensation like everyone is ready to sit in their own holes! And it distresses me very very much.

Of course, I have adapted not instantly, but in due course a lot of new acquaintances in gay community has come. As well as everywhere there meet the absolutely different people. Communication with some is long, some pass past eye without hooking. Once a friend of mine has named me l'homme fatal. But I am not guilty that many people break the sincere feelings over me as storm waves over an unshakable rock. I cannot do anything with it. I cannot prevent it. But also I cannot give the same storm to them in the answer, be mutual. My source, alas, has already run low... I have become quiet, "wiser" and I look alike an old shabby crow from a branch at that storming violence of emotions, seethes around...

I was introduced to Sasha by our common friend more than three years back. Both of us searched. Why, we become friends soon. In the beginning we met on weekends. Then came to live together. Have got on. Have got used one to another - a power of a habit is strong. We in a greater degree look like mere friends from a hostel, scouring the life side by side. Some of straits behind our backs have named us "Twix" - a sweet couple". Well, it is going too far. But many gays really envy us; very many would like to live in couple with the sweetheart. For us these things go without saying, are everyday. That is why I write so dryly.

Certainly there are pluses and minuses in joint life. When together - we fight, when separately - we miss, for there is nobody to tip feelings and emotions out. We do not plan tomorrow. There will be a day - there will be a bread and shows. In any it has been so till now. Ours havens look always like either attic of sweethearts with greenery behind a window or large booth, where everybody is enjoying himself. So we live - two little devils with light bristle on chin. We do not bark, nor we bite (until they step on us). I and He.

Generally I am far from being the best example for "creation" of a positive image of homosexual. I am such as I am - neither worse nor better. I am an old nasty slippery poisonous Scorpio de facto. And I still will fight for my areal, biological niche, space. I already hopeless queer. I know my price. I know life. I am capable on an act. I hope I am still on the road that means - young; and for me this is indispensable terms.

The reality is bad in comparison with dreams by that it is necessary to be reconciled in it with some things. Likely you already never will walk on the moon, will sit at steering wheel of jet plane, will become the captain of a large white ship, as Russian humorist Zhvanetsky says. Sometimes it is worth to give a back course before stupid - brainrhinocerosness. Well, some people have granite in a head (it is more on weight) instead of brain, and it is necessary to be reconciled with it.

The devil knows, but neither I nor Sasha name our relations the Love. As for me this feeling remained somewhere in offworld, unreal, in dreams. I wish at the end to get there. There will be complete freedom, unlimitness, crazyness. That world will be full of colors and joy, unlike this one. Fires and music. Hubbub and silence. And I will again be able to look at it by child's widely opened, surprised and admired eyes, without fear and with confidence to myself and my power. There will be all in extremes there. And Love. To madness through Love!

Sometimes I feel myself a steam locomotive, under music, scattering sparks, furiously rotating pistons, rushing into the distance. Punching walls of misunderstanding, stereotypes, enmity. I do not know what ruins remain behind me. For me it is not important. It is important that I am in movement. In movement - life!

Do not sit at home. Let's go! With me!