Tops Are From Jupiter, Bottoms Are From Uranus

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     The Uranians welcomed the Jupiterans with open legs.  They had never felt a love so deep before.  They spent months together, exploring every nook and cranny of their new relationship.  They reveled in their differences even when united, which was a lot.

     Then they decided to travel to Earth because the weather was nicer, the food was better, and they had heard of something called Disco and they wanted to check it out.   In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful.  But then after sniffing too many poppers one night, the next morning everyone woke up with selective amnesia and a huge headache.  The Jupiterans and Uranians forgot that they were from separate planets and were supposed to be different.   They expected each other to behave how they would behave, and it caused many conflicts, especially concerning sex.  Perhaps because of this the dildo was invented a short time later.

     Years later, tops and bottoms are still at odds with each other.  Like magnets, they come together like an irresistible force; yet flip one of the magnets over and they repel each other just as fast.  Misconceptions, stereotypes, and generalizations abound, and this column cannot hope to quench them all, but instead exploit them for comedic purpose.   As a born-again bottom I will try to be fair and impartial to both sides, but there's a good chance the tops will get fucked for a change.  Hell, I'm no psychiatrist, no matter what my ICQ chat profile says.

     The Jupiterans in general have a lot to live up to.  We expect them to be macho, muscular, aggressive, and to be able to fuck like rabbits at our beck and call.  Tom of Finland comes to mind.  After years of being forced to remain in the closet, the pure breed of tops has been diluted through heterosexual marriage.  The true top is very hard to find, while bottoms are a dime a dozen.  Tops are handsome; bottoms are cute.  Tops resemble the planet they are from, the gas giant Jupiter.  At times they are so full of hot air it's amazing they don't float off into space.  They love to have sex, but only when THEY want it.  It's no wonder we bottoms are bitchy all the time.

     Bottoms also resemble their home planet Uranus.  The axis of Uranus is tilted at 97.86 degrees, which may explain why Uranians have a hard time keeping their feet on the ground.  Uranus has a complex set of faint rings, similar to the hardly-visible yet unbreakable halo that floats over a bottom's head.  No matter how many tawdry things a bottom may do to get laid or how many dicks or fists he's had up his ass, he still has a sense of innocence and virginity that nothing can shatter.  The force of denial is greater than the force of gravity on Uranus.

     Halfway between Jupiter and Uranus lies Saturn, the home planet of "versatile" men.  In actuality Saturn men are the overflow from Uranus or tops that have fallen from grace.  Saturn men usually migrate back to Uranus after a year or two of "topping."  There used to be an unspoken language where tops, bottoms, and kinky fetishists could find respective partners by hand gestures or pocket hankies.  While that ancient language has all but disappeared, some instinctual communication still lingers.  Sometimes a liaison ends disastrously, where two bottoms are stuck for the night giving respective handjobs or pretending to be "versatile," but most of the time tops recognize bottoms and vice versa no matter how butch they try to look.

     To add to the miscommunication between sexual orientations, both tops and bottoms are men: pig-headed, stubborn, sex-crazed idiots.  Gay men are always late to everything because neither side will stop to ask for directions.  Bottoms are not women with penises, and all bottoms are not effeminate (By the way, there is nothing wrong with effeminate men, no matter what Mike Alvear, another Slam columnist, says in his column).  Tops hate being called "Girl," "Girlfriend," or other feminine gay slang word because it shakes up their fragile studly self-image.  Get over yourselves, Mary!  You ain't that butch!  If you don't go to gay bars just because you don't like being seen with effeminate men, that's your problem, princess.  There is no "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for effeminate gay men, who bear the brunt of gay discrimination every day.  Instead of telling them to "Butch It Up," these so-called macho men need to "Get Over It."  Tops need to get fucked once in a while in order to loosen them up a bit.

     I used to be afraid of effeminate men when I started to come out and was still somewhat closeted, but then I grew up.  When I first started fantasizing about having sex with men, it was, "Well, he can suck my dick but I won't suck his."  WRONG!  My net profile is Little Oral Annie.  Then it was, "Well, I can fuck him, but he won't fuck me."   That lasted about a week.  In the past it was okay in society for men to have sex with men as long as you were the one giving.  If it weren't for bottoms, tops would go back to fucking sheep, tree knots, apple pies, and anything else with a small warm hole.  Bottoms need to be proud of their Uranian heritage because we hold all the power in the end.