Tops Are From Jupiter, Bottoms Are From Uranus

A Thousand Years From Now, We'll All Look Back At This And Laugh...

Pity, Party Of One, Your Table Is Ready...

The Bustin' Stereotypes Across America Tour

The Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program

It's Safer Sex Story Time, Boys & Girls!

Heterosexuals Ate My Balls, But They Couldn't Swallow the Irony!

thirty-something

Pontiff-ication

We Weren't Recruited, We Enlisted!

Feel free to e-mail me with comments, suggestions, and hot naked pictures of hunky guys!

Just Humor Me Mini Book Store with

My poetry may suck, but these 1999 Lambda Literary Award Winners sure don't!

The Ladies will like the above book, while the Men might try the offering below.

Check out some more 1999 Lammy Award winners, like this one in the Humor category:

Can't find good sci-fi with queer themes?  Well, now you can with this great anthology!

The winner of the Gay Men's Fiction category will keep you up all night long!

"Bastard Out of Carolina" author Dorothy Allison does it again with this Lammy winner.

In partnership with Amazon.com.

     Gather round, both girls and boys,
     And put away your kinky toys.
     It’s time to hear some safe-sex fiction,
     But please forgive my sloppy diction.

     Tinky is our hero’s name,
     I know, I know, it’s kind of lame.
     He’s just a guy, like any other,
     Who lives at home and with his mother.

     His mother said, "Now Tinky, please,
     It’s time to learn the birds and bees.
     For someday you might take a wife,
     So let me tell you the facts of life."

     She told him about copulation,
     Lubricants and masturbation,
     Foreplay, leather, and some others,
     That should never be uttered by your mother.

     "And always use the right protection,
     To cover over your erection."
     "But why?" he asked. "It would be bad,
     ’Cause you’re too young to be a dad."

     "So wear a condom," she went on to say,
     And because she thought he might be gay,
     "If you don’t, my dear sweet Tinky,
     Your pinky winky could get stinky."

     Then Tinky took his pet dog, Jane,
     For a walk on down the lane.
     And kept on walking with thoughts a-musing,
     To the park well known for cruising.

     The park was filled with teenage flirts,
     And hunky men without their shirts.
     Some jogging by, some on their tushes,
     And some were hiding in the bushes.

     Then a stud caught Tinky’s eye,
     Who winked at him as he walked by,
     With deep blue eyes and short-cropped hair,
     And muscles bulging everywhere.

     Then on the count of one-two-three,
     They both turned simultaneously.
     They looked each other up and down,
     While their dogs ran all around.

     Then Tinky said, "Well, hello stud.
     My name is Tink. And what’s yours, bud?"
     And then he said, "My name is Jack.
     Would you like to hit the sack?"

     With mother at the grocery store,
     They’d have at least an hour or more.
     So Tinky said, "Let’s go, big guy,
     I just happen to live nearby."

     With dogs in tow, the two men strode,
     Back to Tinky’s home abode.
     In seconds flat, they both were nude,
     (Neither one were very prude).

     "Well, I’m a top," said studly Jack,
     "I also only go bareback."
     "Hold on," said Tinky. "Stop. Whoa. Hey!
     Don’t I even get some foreplay?"

     "Would you, could you, in the bed,
     With your feet above your head?
     I do not like to wear lambskin,
     So won’t you let me stick it in?"

     "I would not, should not, in the bed,
     With my feet above my head.
     Unless," he paused, "Just wrap your willie,
     Then lube it up and bang me silly!"

     "Would you, could you, in the shower,
     And have raw sex for over an hour?
     I do not like to wear latex.
     Let’s do it now. I want your sex!"

     "I would not, should not, in the shower,
     And have raw sex for over an hour.
     Can’t we have safe intercourse,
     And ride me like a rocking horse?"

     "Would you, could you, in the kitchen,
     With you the catcher and me a-pitchin’?
     I do not like those rubbers, friend,
     So don’t you want it in the end?"

     "I would not, should not, in the kitchen,
     With me the catcher and you a-pitchin’.
     I really would like you inside me,
     But I don’t know what will decide me!"

     Tinky looked over for help to Jane,
     Who was curled up with Jack’s huge Great Dane,
     She seemed to say, "Go for it, putz!"
     Then continued sniffing each other’s butts.

     "Oh dear!" He thought. "I’m in a quandary,
     Should I get laid or go do laundry?"
     But Jack was such a tempting biscuit,
     So Tinky went ahead and risked it.

     "I want you, Jack! Just stick it in,
     And knead me with your rolling pin!"
     So Jack obliged, and screwed his ass,
     Long and hard and deep and fast.

     When both were done, they soon uncurled.
     "Dammit, Jack, you rocked my world!"
     Then Jack got up. "I gotta go."
     And ruined Tinky’s afterglow.

     Then Jack was dressed and out the door,
     And left him feeling like a whore.
     Then Tinky said, "Oh, what a bummer,
     I didn’t even get his number."

     The next day Tinky went to class,
     Though it hurt to sit on his sore ass.
     When suddenly without a cause,
     He clapped his hands in wild applause.

     "Oh, help!" he cried with hands a-flapping,
     "I can’t stop my hands from clapping!
     I’ve been afflicted with a cruel curse!"
     His teacher said, "Go see the nurse."

     He ran to the clinic in trepidation,
     While giving himself a standing ovation.
     The nurse checked him over, then said quite vexed,
     "Did you have unprotected sex?"

     "Well, maybe," Tinky barely stuttered,
     As his hands just slapped and fluttered.
     "You’ve got an STD, poor chap,
     "I’m afraid you’ve got the clap!"

     The nurse gave Tinky penicillin,
     And a hefty over–billin’.
     And Tinky swore that from this day,
     All his sex would be the safe way.

     So let this be a lesson to you,
     That safer sex will never screw you.
     You’ll get in trouble if advice from mother,
     Goes in one ear and out the other.

What are your thoughts about this tale? Just send me comments by e-mail!  Just humor me by e-mailing tlee3@ix.netcom.com or visit http://geocities.datacellar.net/WestHollywood/2555/fqm0.html.