EagleBear's Den/Aerie

On Being Gay

H.A.L.O. (Homophile Association of London Ontario)

(41K file)

Index

Homophobia
The Origins of Being Gay
Relationships
Coming Out
Links

Homophobia

As a gay man, I have been more affected by heterosexism than by homophobia. The constant assumption that you are straight can be more wearing than outright hatred, as you always seem to be swimming upstream. Questions like "When are you getting married?" and "Do you want children?" from the family seem to me to be the hardest. You either go along with the assumption, or fight back, risking the possibility of a homophobic response.

And what is homophobia? Not just a fear of homosexuals (gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals) but also a hatred of them. Both fear and hatred come out of ignorance. Really, it's like misogyny or racism. They're all forms of xenophobia: fear of those not like you.

Homophobia usually results in hiding. (I've gotten very good at hiding.) It can also result in self-doubt and low self-esteem. If you look at the portrayals of gays in the media, all you saw for many years were the stereotypes: limp-wristed, lisping drag queens or abusive, leather-wearing animals, or paedophiles (even though 95% of the paedophiles are heterosexual).

This pressure to conform or hide can be very distressing, especially when later I've seen some of the most abusive homophobes out dating men. Most of us are just like everyone else, "ordinary people living lives of quiet desperation."

The Origins of Being Gay

Where do I stand on the old "Nature versus Nurture" debate? Strongly on the "Nature" side. While I don't know whether it's genetic or hormonal or has to do with the uterine environment, I believe it happens before birth. At birth, I may not have been either gay or straight, but my very first thoughts about sex were gay, and always have been gay ever since then. I'm a 7 on the Kinsey Scale.

But I sympathize with the heterosexuals who have trouble understanding homosexuality. While mentally, I understand that men and women having sex is common, I don't understand why. It boggles my mind that anyone would want to associate in that way with the opposite sex. This is even though I realize that animals do it and that humans would have died out long ago if some males and females didn't reproduce.

Speaking of reproduction, I once heard some interesting information in a Comparative Psychology class. While we aren't rats, I find it interesting that in experiments, rats that are over-crowded start exhibiting homosexual behaviour. Apparently it's hormonal. I know that humans are more complicated than rats, but it makes one wonder, especially if you believe in the Gaia complex, whether the earth isn't trying to slow down the population explosion. Or, one of my friends has the theory that there are so many gay men now so that there will be someone to look after our aging parents.

Relationships

We all know that relationships are difficult at any time. It can be difficult to find someone when your totally "out," but as I've often said (to myself, especially) "You can't find a date in a closet." If you think about it, say, of the 10% of the men in the world who are gay, I might like 1 in 10 or so. After finding out if they are gay (not always an easy task), I have to find the 10% or so that might like me, then find one who isn't already attached. So, if those three or four men would write me, we could save a lot of time! (He said with his tongue placed firmly in his cheek.)

One thing I have observed about gay relationships. In all of the long-term, stable relationships I know of, there are different levels of monogamy or exclusivity. I know couples who have been together for 5, 10 or even over 20 years, and some are completely monogamous, some use "don't ask, don't tell" as their rule, some just ask that the other be discrete, and others have open relationships. What I do find they have in common, however, is an equality of level of openness. They have agreed upon a level of exclusivity that they will adhere to, and both take advantage of whatever openness they have allowed themselves. It seems to be the unequal relationships that flounder, where one partner thinks that the agreement is monogamy, and the other thinks that discretion is sufficient. It all comes back to trust and communication.

Coming Out

Also see my essay on Coming Out.

I view coming out as a personal decision. It's your life, and you are the one who has to live it. And generally, I believe that you have the right to do as you wish as long as it does not interfere with my rights, in the same way that you have the right to swing your arms about as long as your fist does not come into contact with my nose.

So what about "outing" someone? Generally, I am against it. I know that I feared it when I was still in the closet. If someone had outed me at work or to my parents, it would have certainly changed my life. Would it have ruined it? I'm not sure. I would probably not have been living at home for as long. Using the analogy in the previous paragraph, I would say you should really leave anyone alone unless somehow they're hurting you. About the only three groups of people I could personally support outing would be:

politicians/legislators whose fear of being outed leads them to impose discriminatory laws or regulations on us to try to "pass";
police/regulators/judges/prosecutors who similarly discriminate in the application or enforcement of the laws and regulations; and,
actors/directors/producers. Not those who "sin by omission" by not making positive images of gay persons, but rather those who make negative images of gays.

I think everyone else out there are just like us. Looking for their little bit of happiness.

Links

See also London Links, Bear Links and Toronto Links

Resources

The Goodbye Page
The HIV Zone
GeoCities West Hollywood
The Canadian Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Resource Directory
Alan and Steve's Playroom 5-Star site with excellent material on Gay Marriage, Gay Fathers.
CLGRO (The Coalition for Lesbian and Gay Rights in Ontario)
Dave - An UK Gay Youth Site about everything Dave and his life. Also includes photos and information on gay issues like coming out, homosexuality, religion, and other issues. Take a look!

Sites About Hate on the Internet

Ontario Consultants for Religious Tolerance
The ARA Toronto Home Page
Justice and Respect "Conservative Christians for a just and respectful response to persons who experience same gender attraction."

Hate Sites You Should Know About

Heritage Front "Freeedom" Site
White Aryan Resistance Hate Site
Christianity and Homosexuality Home Pagebr> American Family Association
Media House International
STRAIGHT (Society To Remove All Immoral Godless Homosexual Trash)

Know of a link that I should know about? E-mail me with the URL and I'll check it out!

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Last Updated: April 25, 1999
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