{Bob is responding to Jack, who wrote about his colostomy.}
Dear Jack,
I read your story with a great deal of empathy. Our problems are different, but one of the effects is the same. Since my prostate was removed and my plumbing changed two years ago, I have felt "different." Although my erections are coming back, they are only about half as strong as before. If you still have functional use of your member, you are blessed. Having a soft penis is every bit as daunting as having a bag on your stomach, though I wouldn't like that either.
As for the gay feelings, I too feel more gay than straight. Like you, I still have affection and warmth for my wife. My wife and I stopped having sex 26 years ago--we've been married 30 years. I like to think that she initiated the cessation, and she did, but in actuality, I could have started it up again. Not until four years ago did I begin seeking to be with men, as you are now doing.
You are Jewish and I am Christian and we read some of the same scripture. My male lover, incidentally, is a cantor, a very masculine man, though single. When he sang a love song in Hebrew for me from the Song of Songs, I was moved beyond words.
I speak only for myself and this is what I feel: I have a deep and abiding investment in my marriage and in my profession and I am not going to allow anything to interfere with that investment. Many gay men who have come out to their wives deeply resent the fact that some of us prefer to remain well closeted and to enjoy our "comfortable" lives the best we can, given our circumstances. We have frequent debates on this list about honesty. Since both you and I put high value on honesty, we may find this charge disconcerting.
I am personally resigned to the fact that in this world we often have to choose the lesser of two evils. Kindness and consideration for our spouses means that we don't have to impose our sexual confusions on them when the time isn't right, when we don't think they could handle the information, when it would endanger our marriage, or whatever.
In my case, and perhaps your case, we may have married for the wrong reasons. Our spouses may have married for the right reasons. Both of us come from a tradition which gives highest priority to marriage. If we made such a mistake, we should live with it, sacrifice ourselves, and make the marriage work, despite the personal cost. Since part of that cost has to do with living with our own confusion, the cost can sometimes be painful. I do not blame anyone who decides, when that cost has become too high, to come out and to leave the marriage.
A very few, of course, manage to be open to each other about their sexuality. I think it would be naive to think that all spouses would be able to respond openly if their partners divulged their same sex preferences. I think it would be foolish to imagine that any marriage that couldn't stand such exposure ought to end anyway. If some couples manage to have some sort of polyamorous open relationship, I salute them. The truth is, I wouldn't be happy with such an arrangement. Nor would I be happy living only with a man. Perhaps the time might come, who knows?
The best sex I have had is still the sex I had with my wife, even though it ended so long ago. While I appreciate affectionate relationships with men, I seldom come. The men I have known tell me I am a great lover and very sensuous, which somewhat surprises me. Blushingly I suppose I will have to admit that I have a courtesan or boy toy aspect to me.
I hope, Jack, whatever you do, that you do not feel trapped, without choices. I think that you will be blessed no matter what happens in your life. We have a God who delights in blessing. You will be blessed if you find that special man. You will be blessed if you tell your wife. You will be blessed if you don't tell your wife and meet some guys. You will be blessed if you continue in confusion for a while and remain true to your wife. The blessing depends more on your honest relationship with God and upon his grace than it does on any particular direction you take, and you should seek to walk in a way which seems to you to be godly.
You are a special man. I have enjoyed reading your post and feel as though I have come to know you a bit. I pray that the God who made an everlasting covenant with David (who had a loveless marriage with Michal, a steamy affair with Bathsheba, and the relationship with Jonathan, which was greater than the love of woman) will bless you mightily.
Warm hugs and love,
Bob