[Philip writes]

I'm trying to understand my wife's feelings. She is shocked to find about my bisexuality. This is such a violation of her basic conception of marriage that she feels betrayed. She is afraid that however sorry I am about past infidelities, I will be unfaithful again, probably without telling her. My wife has many friends, but she doesn't feel comfortable talking to them. It is all a dark secret and those friends she talks to may be homophobic, even if she isn't.

I know my wife needs warm understanding love, and I do love her. I would lay my life down for her. But I'm also feeling different, free at last of a huge weight of secrecy. I'm sure she sees how exultant I am, feeling like a new man, and this frightens her.

Of course I want to keep as much of my new freedom as I can, but I don't want to hurt my wife more than I have already done, and I want our marriage to be as good as it can be for both of us.

Philip

Philip,

I'd like to offer some comments, from my experiences with the spouse support list, in answer to your very loving wish to help your wife understand and accept your new awareness of your sexuality.

For many couples, the marital relationship does change when the husband comes out. For example, many men seem to stop having sex with their wives. Often, this coincides with the husband's defining himself as "gay, not bi." It seems a central issue for wives is -- If my husband desires men, does that mean he doesn't desire me, or desires me less than I would want? You've got to remember that there are two people here with a need for intimate/romantic/sexual relations with a man -- the husband and the wife. Her sexual identity is just as important as his, and many wives are not content with a sexless or romance-less marriage (if that's what if being offered).

Many straight spouses (I'm not one of them) don't feel that the discovery or rediscovery of a sexual preference makes a difference. They ask, "Why should a wife accept her husband's infidelity with a man, if they wouldn't accept it with a woman? Why should the gender of the partner mean that I should be more accepting?"

It seems to me that if wives and husbands want to renegotiate a more "open" marriage contract which allows some homosexual expression on the husband's part, the following issues are important to work out:

a. Trust/Honesty -- Having an open marriage should mean being able to trust that your spouse will stick to whatever you agree to. If you worry that things are being hidden from you, you can't feel safe. The wife needs to know why she should believe that she can trust the husband again, if there has been betrayal or deception.

b. Mutuality/Equality of Needs -- Spouses need to know that they aren't just giving in to whatever their spouse wants, that they are "doormats" who will do anything to maintain the relationship, whatever the cost to them. In other words, they need to know that both spouses take each other's needs and the needs of the relationship seriously, that the husband is also willing to make sacrifices and compromises.

Recently, a wife on the straight spouse list suggested that the gay/bi husband look for something HE could "give up" or do that would make life a lot better for the wife, and would be something
like an "equal sacrifice" to her giving up monogamy. One husband took on all the housework, permanently. It might seem silly, but it is one way of reassuring a spouse that you are also willing to make sacrifices for HER happiness, as you ask her to do for you.

c. Sex/Romance/Love in the Marriage -- Does the gay/bi husband offer the wife a satisfying sexual and romantic relationship? Or is he asking her to accept having something else -- perhaps a companionate and domestic relationship which is loving but not sexual/romantic? If so, is she happy to live with that? (Don't forget, that is exactly what he ISN'T willing to live with and is why he wants to be with men!)

d. Understanding of why the need for homosexual expression is different from other needs which can't be satisfied by the marriage. Most people in our culture accept that everyone has "needs" and "wants" which can't be satisfied by one's spouse. We see it as an expression of love and commitment - and morality - to give up satisfying those needs to be married. It seems to me a wife needs an answer to the question: Why is this different? How is this different from my wanting to screw the guy next door, or a husband wanting to screw around with different women? Why should I treat it differently? Coming to understand this difference is crucial, I think, for the wife not to feel "abused" in the relationship.

Sean and I seem to have made a lot of progress -- over many years of very painful and awkward trial and error -- toward having stable and satisfying answers to these questions. And Sean and Alan have had to face very similar issues -- it has seemed for us that a "gay spouse" facing the questions of
why his bisexual partner needs a woman in his life isn't very different from what the wives of gay/bi men face. Actually, the two of us sharing the same concerns -- jealousy, whether we are loved and desired sufficiently if there is "someone else," trust, and whether we are being "used" by someone who is just too selfish and immature to make a commitment -- has made it a lot easier for us both.

But we have made it through 3 years now in this arrangement, and we have at least gotten to the point where these questions are not in our consciousness every day or every week...where "the situation" has become background to our lives, not always an urgent issue in the foreground. Along the way, it has often hurt like hell, and we've stepped on each other's toes and spirits and
hearts many times. But it has also gotten, very slowly, but also surely, better.

Good luck,

Jennifer