PERSONAL INFORMATION

INTRODUCTION

As you can see from above, I have always been a California "girl." However, I often get asked where I'm originally from since I don't act like a typical Southern Californian. I am heterosexual and crossdress to appear as feminine as possible. I am aided by the fact that I have a small Adam's apple and am about the size and build of a typical American female. My upper arms and hands are somewhat large, though, so I tend to wear long sleeves and medium length nails to cover and minimize these "flaws." I am very disturbed when I see picture of a "woman" with male parts sticking out. This, to me, defeats the purpose of dressing up in the first place, which is to appear and feel feminine and presents an image to society that hurts those of us that seek to emulate women and fit in.

CHILDHOOD

I can remember back to when I was four and found a pair of tights in a closet at my grandmother's house. They were left over from when my mom was a young girl. I tried the tights on and was hooked by their feel. The way my legs felt as they rubbed against each other was wonderful. My grandmother must have read my mind because she gave them to me whenever I visited after that. She even bought me a pair of my own after the first pair wore out. I never heard my parents comment on this activity. One day a friend of my uncle who was visiting saw me with the pantyhose on and laughed at me and asked my parents if they were going to raise me as a girl. Well, I quickly hid my legs under a couch until he left then I took off the hose and never dressed in girls' clothes again -- at least not where people could see me! Even at that age I had a feeling that I should have been born as a girl. Between the ages of five and ten I remember trying on other items of clothes, mostly shoes, since they could be tried on and removed quickly. I did trade clothes with my cousin once, but ended up hiding under a bed until she was ready to trade back. As a teenager I tried on some of my mother's clothes. I started with knee-high stockings and was thrilled to find out that by wearing multiple pairs I could hide the hair on my legs. I "borrowed" other articles of clothing from her too, always taking care to leave things the way I found them. When I got access to a car I purchased some clothes of my own. I would wear panties or a swimsuit to bed whenever I got the chance. I was lucky to have trusting parents that never went through my things.

EARLY ADULTHOOD

When I began attending college I expanded my wardrobe, hiding it in the bottom of a hollowed-out filing cabinet in my room. I would put on make-up whenever my parents were out of town. I even rigged up a camera so I could take pictures -- the results left much to be desired. I told a gay friend about my crossdressing since I figured that he could relate to some of what I was going through and provide feedback. He provided an ear for my thoughts and encouraged me to be myself. The second person I told about my crossdressing was a girl, named Jennifer, that I had known for over a year and had become very close friends with. As we became closer we talked about everything... and one night when I was extremely over-tired I let it slip out that I had a "secret." She was concerned that I had a life-threatening illness or something on that order. So I was faced with the decision of letting her worry about something she had no knowledge of, or to tell her. I told her. And to my surprise she didn't change her opinion about me. In fact, she said that my sharing such a personal revelation made her feel closer to me. Several months later I married Jennifer. Her understanding and guidance have helped me to grow to the point where Melissa had the confidence to go out in public. About a year after I was married I decided to tell my parents. I figured that since I was going out in public I might be found out by someone who might tell them. I wanted to make sure they heard the story from me. They accept Melissa but do not fully understand why I feel the way I do. We rarely talk about it. I was a member of Tri-Ess for a year. I joined so that I could make contact with other crossdressers and Jennifer could correspond with other wives. I didn't feel like I fit in there so I've moved on. I currently attend LOTS (Loved One's of Transsexuals) meetings in Irvine, CA. I've found I'm more than a crossdresser and lean toward being a transsexual. I have a few female friends that know about Melissa who have provided me with clothes and make-up instruction. I have been in an educational stage the past couple of years. I am trying to learn as much as I can about make-up application, mannerisms, and am trying to find out how to make my voice sound more feminine. I have heard Morton Cooper's advice on making a voice sound more feminine and read Melanie Phillip's article but I guess I still need more practice. Last year I got my ears pierced, one at a time. No one really said much. As mentioned above I have been out dressed a few times. The first time was early in the morning when I was visiting Las Vegas. I went for a ride en femme. My wife drove since I was so nervous. We drove into the parking structure at Caesar's Palace, took a few quick snapshots with no one around, then returned to our room. The next few times were quick trips to the grocery store at night, usually around 1:00 - 2:00 am. In October of 1993 I went to Glamour Shots to get made up and have pictures taken. This was at my friend Debbie's suggestion, since I had a gift certificate which my wife refused to use. Much to my surprise the Glamour Shots store I called had an ex-female impersonator working there as a make-up artist. Several of my co-workers saw me that night, but none recognized me -- at least not until I had to speak. I was thrilled. I got dozens of compliments on how much I looked like a real woman. My next venture out was to a movie with Jennifer and Debbie. I was scared that I would be read while waiting in line, but nobody paid much attention to me. Debbie bought the tickets so I didn't have to talk. My next adventure out was on a trip to Las Vegas. We stopped off at a restaurant for dinner along the way. Again, nobody paid much attention to me. I guess it's true that most people are too busy with their own lives to pay much attention to anyone they don't have to deal with directly. This was my first experience with "the restroom issue." I was stuck out in public when I had to go. Jennifer and Debbie went in with me. They assured me that if I just walked in confidently and went about my business in a ladylike manner (sitting down) that there would be no problems. I have faced this situation several times since then and use the ladies room when I have to but still prefer to use a unisex (single person) bathroom whenever I can just to minimize any possibility of trouble. On a recent outing in Las Vegas last year I had the experience of being hit on. I was sitting in a hotel lounge with a couple of friends when a "lounge lizard" ran over a flung himself down in the seat next to me, on my purse. I grabbed my purse and pulled it away from him. He apologized for startling me but "couldn't let a seat next to such a beautiful girl be taken by anyone else." He then offered to buy me a drink to make up for scaring me. I said "I don't think so!" He then took off with his tail between his legs. My friends thought he read me, at first, but he didn't.

NOT TOO LONG AGO

Most of my dressing has been confined to home. Jennifer, after some negotiation, now allows me to sleep en femme and to dress around the house. She doesn't like it when I wear make-up but lets me wear the clothing I want most of the time. I keep my eyebrows plucked, not too thin, and my legs and underarms shaved. She doesn't mind this either. I feel very fortunate to have a wife that is so open to my desires. She tries her best to understand and she has been learning as much as she can about trans issues. She does worry sometimes but she voices her concerns and we talk about them. Her biggest concern is because I have expressed an interest in taking hormones. She is worried about losing her husband completely. I can understand her feelings, especially since I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I've come to the conclusion that I am a transsexual. The desire to change my sex and become a woman is there... It's not overwhelming, but it is strong and I'm not sure how to handle it. I love my wife dearly and could only imagine how changing would affect my family. I believe communication is the key to understanding trans issues and to a successful relationship. Debbie recently predicted, much to Jennifer's dismay, that I will change within five years. I'm not sure I can dispute that prediction. I recently changed both my male and femme first names to Robin to make it easier for me to live a dual lifestyle since I'm not ready to change yet. I have a Driver's License with my male picture on it and an Identification Card with my femme picture on it. Both cards have the same written information on them, including the M for sex but make it easier when I go out en femme. (Note: California allows a person to posess both a Driver's License and ID card. All information must be identical on both cards but the pictures may be different.) I recently revealed Melissa to an old friend and met him out one night. He chose to go to a club where ID's were being checked (I think this may have been intentional). Luckily, a younger (21) friend distracted the guys checking the ID's and I walked in past them while he "searched" for his ID. This was the final push for me to obtain a femme ID card. On monday I went to the DMV and changed my name and ordered the new DL and on friday I dressed en-femme and went back in and got the ID card. The clerk, an older female, looked up at me after reading over the application then continued to process it. It was more of an "Oh, ok." type glance than anything else. She acted as if it was routine.

RECENT PAST

After a two year period of research and self examination I decided to move forward. In Novenber of 1999 I started counseling and electrolysis. In February, 2000 I told my parents I was going to transition and stored sperm for possible future use. Soon after I began taking female hormones under medical supervision. The hormones softened my skin, gave me what I consider to be adaquate breast development, lowered my sex drive, and took away an uneasiness and tense feeling I always had replacing it with a calm, peaceful feeling. In May it was time to inform my friends outside of work. I had decided, due to more rapid than expected breast development, to transition in December/January during the holiday break between Christmas and New Year's. Soon after I told my brother and his wife. In July I started telling trusted co-workers as we shared lunch or when they inquired as to why I was wearing a jacket on hot summer days. I donated books about transsexualism to my work library in case they were needed and created a Friends, Family and Co-workers web site. I was forced to inform management when an aquaintance referred to me as Melissa in the presence of my boss. I found out later that he had thought the guy had made a mistake. The biggest question from management was how I had managed to keep a secret that big hidden for so long. It was agreed that I would continue to spread the information by word of mouth until it became widespread enough for management to release a statement. We also discussed which restrooms would be designated for my use. They accepted my proposal of two staff-only bathrooms. In about a month I went from a handful of people knowing to just about everyone I had regular contact with (about 160 people) and several I saw infrequently. The response was untypically and overwhelmingly positive. I've been told that it has a lot to do with how confident and comfortable I feel with my transition. I WORK WITH THE MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!

In November I began making friends with people who have only known me as Melissa. I made an appointment with the DMV to change my name and gender and get new ID (Yes, California has a confidential medical form which is filed through the DMV) on my birthday. I thought it was a very appropriate time to make the change- this was also exactly three years after I changed my first name to Robin. I returned from Thankgiving holiday with my hair bleached. That certainly weeded out the one's that hadn't heard. Several co-workers in my office also began calling me Melissa and offering assistance. I had quite a few people tell me that I should "just show up as Melissa tomorrow since everyone knows anyway". In the morning of December 1st, (almost exactly to the minute) thirty-four years after my birth, I legally became a female for anything that requires a Driver's License/State ID Card. For those few items that require my birth certificate (marriage, incarceration, ???) I am still male. I intend to have it ammended after SRS. On December 15th I left work, went home and began living full-time as a woman. I had one last brief period as my male self for a few hours on Chrismas Eve with my family per an earlier agreement. That was my last. The day after Christmas I had acrylic nails put on. I'm happy living as a woman and have no desire to change back, even for a short time.

CURRENT

I'm back at work. It's been split down the middle. Half of the people recognized me and the other half didn't. The one's that haven't are usually embarrased but I think it's flattering and says a lot about how well I fit in. Most are struggling with pronoun usage but a few already have the name right. I'm sure things will work out in time.

I don't know what the future may bring. I've examined my internal feelings of femininity and know that's where my heart is. I learn more every day as Melissa. I've decided to not disclose my past with those that don't know about unless I'm asked first. The one exception being that anyone I become in a relationship with will certainly be told before it gets serious- All good relationships are founded on honesty and trust.

CLOSING

Thank You for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to send me E-mail. I will answer any questions about crossdressing and transsexual topics. Requests for dates will be ignored.
Cordially yours,

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All photographs are © 1996-2007 Melissa Holland. Pictures are property of Melissa and may be used on other pages with permission only. Commercial use is not allowed and will be prosecuted. If you see any pictures of Melissa on a commercial web site kindly notify her.