In the next few paragraphs you will learn my
background in deeper depth. You may find that some of this information
may be repeated from my general bio page. I apologize for this, but
this was the best way I knew how to bring forth my personal feeling in
my life. This is a very lengthy page but gives a lot of information
about me. If there is anything else you wanna know email
me. I love answering questions.
To begin, my name is Jason. Many people
call me Jay, Jason, and Jayce. Others call me not so supportive names,
but I cope and live on. I was born in Indianapolis, Indiana.
Yeah the big cornfield city. I spent most of my life in a small
town predominately white population. I had a not so normal life.
My parents divorced like most everyone else's when I was in elementary
school. I chose to live with my dad, which being as young as I was
could not have been as wise of a decision as I had thought in the beginning.
Don't get me wrong I love my father dearly, but he was not prepared to
take care of a child by himself. My mother was a very big part of
my life at this point also. I would always call her so that she would
know I was fine and she would always make sure I had what I needed, when
she could, for school. Before my parents got divorced we were living
the comfortable life and I never really wanted for anything, although I
always asked for everything. I was an extremely spoiled only child.
It was easy for me to get what I wanted because we could afford to live
as we did. After the divorce, it was totally different. At
first it was ok, I still had all the things I needed and had food to eat
and clothes to wear. As the years progressed, things began to get
more and more difficult for me. I had to learn how to keep house,
cook and take care of myself. Living with my father was not easy
but it did make me a strong individual. I had a childhood before
the divorce, but after the divorce my childhood vanished and I became an
adult before my time. I believe that was the only way I came to survive.
There were days I would go hungry and there would be days that I would
feel worthless. My mother was always there if not in person at least
I knew she would always listen to me and help me through my hard times.
At this point in my life I was beginning to have those "feelings" for other
boys. Granted I had those feelings from the time I can remember,
but they were getting more apparent. I mean everyone would call me
a girl (not that I looked like one) or they would call me a fag (which
I didn't know the meaning until later). I never acted on these feelings
or did I ever want to. I was at an ackward time in my life.
I was trying to find out why I had these feelings, trying to fit-in with
the school crowd and also trying to work out my home life.
It was
about this time that I decided to begin living with my grandparents.
They lived nearby the school I was going to so that I could walk instead
of taking a bus everyday. This helped with the school because I would
never see the bullies and I would have a warm home and warm food everyday
after school. I was begining to feel like I had a life again.
I tried to be involved in all kinds of school activities. This always
didn't work because I still had these bullies around. I did find
one thing out about myself is that I was gay. I finally looked up
the word to find out why I was being labeled as gay. It was true,
I knew it had always been true but never knew what I could be categorized
under. I finally reached the big 'ol high school. I had created
a lot of friendships with a lot of people. I also created acquaintances.
I had no enemies. I mean I never did anything wrong to have enemies.
Everyone trusted me but I never trusted anyone. I was too afraid
to, there were instances where to save their own popularity they would
go to bullying me and calling me names. I understood though.
I don't have hard feelings for anyone back then. It was a way of
life because that is how we are taught to react to people. Categorize
them by what they wear, how they act, or who they hang around with.
We all did it and we all ridiculed everyone over it. My high school
years were ok. I was still majorly closeted, but had my slip ups
from time to time. I never tried to approach anyone about my
feelings or even try to ask anyone for help. It wasn't right to be
this way in this towns bible.
After graduating from high school I
did my search for the perfect college. Well I didn't go to the perfect
college but it was an experience. I am not really complaining
about going there, but I did run into many problems. I went through
four different majors and many other minors until finally deciding on Communication
Media. This was the only thing that matched anything I wanted to
do. I tried developing a class but was told that I would not be able
to complete it in the specified time. I still had two years left
to complete this new major and they still denied me. Equal opportunity
college my ass. So I stayed in communication media which took me
a year to complete.(figure on that when I was taking more classes than what I had planned for the advanced degree i had presented) I made many friends and explored my sexuality
in greater depth as many people do when they have more freedom. This necesarily did not mean I had sex all the time. Sexuality is not always about sex, it's about life and living it. Who knows I may decide to tell you more about this if I develop another page to place these stories on. I also have
to get the ok from people involved to talk about our lives together.
While going to school I was involved in many organizations and developed
a place on campus for me. I also had various jobs which made me well
known and trusted on the campus. I know things about My college that
no one else would know or would believe, but I can be trusted so well that
unless it was harming individuals that I would never divulge that information.
You could not believe the things that can be seen or heard when you are
trusted so immensely.
Two of my organizations had the most impact
on me in college. This was BACCHUS and ACTING OUT. BACCHUS
is what you would consider a SADD organization except our organization
dealt with sex, drugs and alcohol within the campus. After I left,
the organization went under and no one has heard anything solid from them
since. I feel bad but I can only do so much. They never realized
I was the one that did most everything and got the students involved as
much as I could. I had many friends to help keep it going.
ACTING OUT was a theatrical social issues organization. It took an
entire year to get it going and it was great; we made impressions on many
of the students and made a statement to the campus that we are not letting
things hide on campus anymore. I had a script on AIDS and another
friend of mine had a script on Homosexuality. There were others like
religion, sexism, rape and abusive relationships. They were all really
great scripts and our director wrote the majority of them.
As of this day I do not know of the status of this organization, but I
hope it is still going on.
Well this brings me to the present. I work
and live in Downtown Indianapolis in an international business. Our branch
is an extremely small branch. I enjoy it, but
there are times that I need a day off. Until then I will just work the day and get paid.
More to come later.......
Please contact
me with any questions or comments and I will try to oblige by answering
as soon as I can.
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