Questions to Ask When Choosing a Doctor:
- Does he have a license?
- Is he board certified?
- Do friends or co-workers recommend him?
- What is his particular area of expertise?
- Does he have any special training?
- How many years of experience does he have?
- Does he participate in scientific research or education?
- Is he accepting new patients?
- Who covers his patients when he is unavailable?
- Does he answer questions and explain treatments?
- How much time does he allocate for each appointment?
Questions to Ask When Choosing a Doctor (HMO version):
- Can you get an appointment this month? Is it with him, his
"nurse practitioner," or just some guy he knows who's read "Coma"?
- When you ask how much a physical costs, does he say, "That depends.
What do you look like?"
- Is the office constructed primarily of wired-together palm
fronds?
- Are the chairs in the waiting room stackable?
- Is the receptionist listening intently to a police scanner?
- If there's a diploma displayed, is the printed name scratched
out and your doctor's name pencilled in?
- On his business card under his name does it say "As seen on COPS"?
- Is his coat embroidered with the words, "My name's PACO and
welcome to Cheep Chicken!"?
- In the examination room, is there a big spinning wheel with
sections labeled "ZILCH", "NADA" and "PERCODAN!"?
- Is his examination table covered with paper toilet seat covers
taped together?
- After every symptom you describe, does he say, "That don't sound
so bad, ya wuss!"?
- Have you noticed that whenever he has you take off your clothes
his friend Oscar always comes in? After you've disrobed do they
just sit there and giggle?
- Does he use sporks for tongue depressors?
- Does he prep you for
injections with KFC wash-n-dri's?
- After he gives you a shot, does he jab himself with the leftovers?
- After returning from an interruption are his eyes bloodshot and is
he singing old Sylvester songs?
- When you ask why he prescribed a certain medication, does he
answer, "Because it's CHEAP!"
- Does his diagnosis sound suspiciously like "cooties" in pig-latin?
- Did he tell you he couldn't write you a prescription because he
already wrote one this month?
- For your medication, does he have you stick your hand into a
bag full of free samples?
- If he prescribes pills, does he hand them to you going,
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me . . . "?
- When you ask for a referral to a specialist, does he say, "You
sayin' I ain't special?"?
- During your genital examination, does he repeatedly slap himself
in the face and say, "Doc's been a BAD boy!"