You know, I hate getting e-mail.

Let's say you read something here and you think it's funny. You say to yourself, gosh, I think I'll tell that RomanHans how much I liked his story. So you e-mail me a quick note saying something like, Hey, Roman, I just thought I'd let you know I think you're a good writer.

Signed, your trusty fan,
Wayne.

I've got to admit, I'd like that. I'd go around for a few days with a big smile on my face, walking on air. Everyone I met would look at me like I had chili in my beard and ask, hey, why are you in such a good mood? And I'd wistfully think of Wayne and smile and kick at the ground and say "Oh, gosh! No reason."

And then I'd try to write something else.

I'd sit there in my den, staring at the blank page, wringing my hands. I'd get an idea that I'd think was good, but then I'd hear Wayne's squeaky little voice asking "Why on EARTH do you think that's funny?" I'd write a joke that I'd like and hear, "You know, I think somebody told me that one last week."

And I'd end up shredding every page and tossing it all on the fire.

Why? Because I don't want to let you down. Because I don't want to get that e-mail that I know is coming:

Roman, I used to really love your writing, like the Tom Selleck story and the Rodent FAQ. But I've read all your new stuff, and to put it bluntly, it SUCKS! Have you stopped writing GOOD stuff? How come? Why's your new stuff CRAP? It's hard for me to believe that somebody who wrote funny stuff before is writing CRAP now. In fact, I'll bet you didn't WRITE the funny stuff. I'll bet you STOLE SOMEBODY ELSE'S WRITING BECAUSE YOUR WRITING STINKS! YOU'RE A GODDAMN PLAGIARIST! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!

Signed, one stupid chump you won't fool again,
Wayne.

Then there's the other alternative, that you didn't like anything I wrote, and wanted me to know.

Well thanks a friggin' heap.