(Q) Do gerbils really WANT to do this?

There are two types of gerbils: those that want to, and those that need to be persuaded. Hopefully you'll find a gerbil that wants to. With some pointed, determined questioning you should be able to pry this information from the clerks at PetMart.

That said, you'd be surprised how many gerbils want to. Think about it: A gerbil's life is a dull one. He's stuck in a small wire cage with a salt lick and an exercise wheel. Imagine his excitement when he discovers his own personal Tunnel to Adventureland!

(Q) How do I pick out my gerbil?

Observe him in his cage. If he's playing gently with the other gerbils, he's a good bet. If he's chewing through the chicken wire, keep looking.

(Q) How do I prepare my gerbil for his adventure?

Here's what you'll need:

• tiny nail clippers
• a muzzle
• a miniature harness and six-foot leash
• an 8 oz. tube of new "Small Rodent Nair" or other fur removal system
• small mining helmet (optional)

First, manicure your gerbil. This is very important, but don't get carried away. For instance, nail jewels would be fun but futile.

De-hair him as per your preference. I recommend "Small Rodent Nair." You'll want to wax him if you're particularly susceptible to razor burn. One word of caution, though: Hell hath no fury like a gerbil angered by an Epilady.

Next, put on his tiny harness and attach the leash. This is all the gerbil should wear. I know he'd look really hot in some leather accoutrements but two weeks from now you don't want to be pooing boots.

Tie the end of the leash to a large, heavy object. Do not underestimate the pulling power of a determined gerbil! In one of my first liaisons I anchored my gerbil to a flimsy bookcase from IKEA. Now for all eternity I'm the infamous "R. H." in volume 47 of the "New England Journal of Swedish Furniture Disasters."

(Q) How do I get to first base?

First base? He's a gerbil, not Don Mattingly.

Take off your clothes and lie on your back with your legs in the air. Relax. Have a brandy. Make a trail of his favorite treats from his mouth to your bum, and let nature take its course.

This might seem obvious but don't leave the front door unlocked if you're expecting a package.

(Q) How will he find his way around?

Huh? It's your intestine, not Hampton Court Maze.

(Q) When I'm done, how do I get him out?

Grab hold of the leash and tug gently. My gerbil, Edgar Rice, knows that one tug means "Start heading out," two tugs means, "Get out now," and three tugs means, "That's not a chew-toy -- that's my spleen."

If the gerbil is reluctant to leave, there are several alternative methods that have proven successful in the past:

• Coax him out with his favorite toy
• Tempt him out with his favorite food
• Hold a match near your bum and yell, "GO TO THE LIGHT!"

This story is probably apocryphal, but a California man who ate Mexican food for lunch used the last method to coax his gerbil out. While I am happy to say that neither the man nor the gerbil suffered any permanent damage, both were slightly burned and the gerbil sustained minor head trauma when finally returning to earth just north of Surrey, England.

(Q) Is it worth all the trouble?

Before I tried it I too was skeptical. Who would have guessed that two days later I'd be copying the lyrics to "Stairway to Heaven" into a tiny "Thank You" card?