You walk into a bathroom, where only two urinals are free. You stand frozen in indecision because nobody's ever explained . . .

How to pick your pee neighbors.

MISTER GOOD PEE MISTER OK PEE MISTER BAD PEE
Guys looking down. Guys looking up. Guys looking over.
Guys making dribbly sounds. Guys making splashing noises. Guys using their Hush Puppies as a flotation device.
Guys talking about sports. Guys talking about sex. Guys asking if everything's coming out smoothly.
Guys standing still. Guys swaying a little. Guys moving like the urinal's an Etch-a-Sketch.
Guys who stand there quietly. Guys who fart once or twice. Guys who putter like riding lawnmowers.
Guys using both hands. Guys using no hands. Guys using one hand and lots of vigorous arm movement.

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