RULE #1: Every man in Hollywood who is attractive is gay. If he's really ugly, really old, or has children, he's bi. If he's Scientologist, then he's gay again.
COROLLARY: If a female celeb has dated more than one gay male celeb, then every man she dates is gay.
THEORY: Let's see . . . Brooke Shields has dated Michael Jackson and George Michael. Oh -- did I say Brooke Shields? I meant Brooke Agassi.
RULE #2: At social gatherings you assume the sexual preference of whoever you're sitting near.
WARNING: If you spot an empty seat between Eddie Murphy and Danny Bonaduce for God's sake keep walking!
COROLLARY: Anyone photographed with a gay man or lesbian is a gay man or lesbian. Anyone photographed with a moron is a moron. Anyone photographed with Keanu Reeves . . . you know, I think Keanu's really kind of sweet.
POSTULATE: Nobody has a photo of Charlie Sheen with Laurence Olivier.
SARCASM ALERT #1: When I heard John Travolta and Tom Cruise were friends, well -- color me surprised.
RULE #3: Anything a publicist says is a lie. According to them, nobody sleeps around, nobody's using drugs, and nobody's ever had plastic surgery for vanity's sake: it's always a "medical necessity."
PERSONAL NOTE: Well, I'd call a doctor if coke started eating through my nose.
SARCASM ALERT #2: When I heard that Tori Spelling had to get her nose fixed because her parrot bit it, well, you would have knocked me over with a feather.
SARCASM ALERT #3: That must have been one big bird to have bitten both her breasts too.
RULE #4: Between takes celebs like to show their tattoos and cosmetic surgery scars to everyone who'll look.
POSTULATE: I hear there's a very rare photo of Roseanne with her shirt on.
THEORY: Dana Plato didn't freak out from sudden fame: it was those between-take encounters with Mr. Drummond.
ANSWER TO UNASKED QUESTION: Whatever happened to Buffy and Jody? Two words: Mr. French.
RULE #5: Everyone in Hollywood is on drugs.
QUESTION: If your houseguest can't get you good sh*t, well, why have one?
RULE #6: When the children of famous people get jobs, it's never nepotism. Why, usually the casting directors don't even know it's a famous person's child!
FLASHBACK?: "Um, hi. My name's Tori . . . um . . . McGillicuddy."
RULE #7: Male celeb penis size is inversely proportional to the man's muscularity.
THEORY: Sex with Leonardo Dicaprio is fabulous.
THEORY: Sex with Sylvester Stallone consists mostly of repeating the words "Where?" and "There!" over and over.
RULE #8: Every person in Hollywood has, at some point in their career, starred in a porno movie.
UNANSWERED QUESTION: Why anybody would bring a camera within forty miles of Ernest Borgnine I'll never know.
ANSWER TO UNASKED QUESTION: If the film is really grainy and it's a thin guy, it's Rob Lowe. If it's a stocky guy, it's Sly Stallone. If he's bent over and yelling, "Hiho Silver!", well, . . . you know, I think Chuck Connors was kind of hot.
RULE #9: All the men in Hollywood are tramps and all the women are sluts. The minute the camera turns off they all whip out their bits.
TEST: My tickets to "Home Improvement" should arrive any day now.
RULE #10: In Hollywood only unsuccessful people are faithful to their spouses.
REASSURANCE: It's not like Tom is tossing and turning, wondering about Nicole.
COROLLARY #1: Every untalented female celeb got where she is by sleeping with men or bearding.
SARCASM ALERT #4: What? A Brooke Shields sitcom? What a fabulous idea!
COROLLARY #2: Sleeping around does not guarantee success in Hollywood.
PROOF: Did you see "Casino"? Was I the star?
COROLLARY #3: Attractive men get to the top by sleeping with important women. Unattractive men have to do everybody.
CLOSING: Hasta la vista, baby!
