On a flight from L. A. to New York I recently sat in front of a man who looked EXACTLY like John Landis, but as I have a horrible fear of lawsuits it DEFINITELY POSITIVELY was not John Landis.

Ordinarily I don't eavesdrop on conversations -- especially on flights from L. A., since I really don't need any more information on either Pottery Barn or plastic surgery -- but the Non-Landis had his mouth approximately two feet from my ears and he was SCREAMING. I tried the subtle hint of clamping my hands over my ears and he wouldn't quiet down. I turned up my headset so loud that people in KANSAS were looking up and going, "Hey, do you hear Ratt?" and he wouldn't quiet down.

I spent half an hour trying to convince people sitting next to a screaming baby to change seats with me. Because at least the baby wasn't SMACKING F*CKING CHEWING GUM two feet from my head while discussing DAN ACKROYD. At least the baby wouldn't pound on the back of my chair every time he wanted to emphasize a point. Like an ATOM BOMB needs emphasis.

And so for the remainder of the flight, like people who are trapped in car wrecks, buried under forty feet of snow or entombed in collapsed buildings, I got through it the only way I knew how: by repeating to myself over and over, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE -- AND I KNOW I WILL -- I'M GOING TO POST ALL ABOUT THIS ON THE INTERNET.

So here are some highlights.

He's 48, has a wife named Leslie, a 16-year-old daughter, and a son who's in that "unconditional love phase," which if I know men means either the kid is less than four or his dad has huge honking breasts. He's got a half-brother, two sisters and a stepsister, all of whom "feel much closer to me than I do to them." His parents were "very reformed" Jews and his wife is atheist.

Commenting on a magazine: "Those are great tits. Real tits." As opposed to, I imagine, reproductions.

On "Antz": "It's a Woody Allen movie. Because it's animated you don't have to look at him. [Ed. note: D-uh!] He's old."

On Woody Allen's "Celebrity": "Hated it. Hated it. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it."

On the in-flight movie "Practical Magic": "Ugh. It's unwatchable. Just unwatchable."

Said there's going to be a re-release of the movie "Blood Simple" to promote it's video release. He said they recut it because they didn't have the rights to some of the music used.

Said Eddie Murphy got $20,000 to appear in "Trading Places."

Said he's happy with his latest project, but it was a very frustrating experience. "It's a small movie, very unambitious."

On how difficult some actors are to work with: "Like Danny Ackroyd I have some close friends that are out of control."

"We're No Angels": "It's terrible. Horrible."

Meg Ryan: "She's very overrated."

On airplanes: "I still can't believe we're 37 thousand feet in the air. It's like science fiction."

On the internet: "I hate the internet. Do I go on it? No. I'm astounded by how stupid everything is."

On the ocean: "The ocean is big."

And for our finale, I must caution sensitive and/or thoughtful readers that they might want to skip ahead to the next posting. I post this only because I am futilely hopeful that in the future people like Mr. Non-Landis will think twice about screaming and pounding on the backs of chairs because they just might hold IRRITATED PEOPLE WITH INTERNET ACCESS.

"'Shakespeare in Love' is a great movie, not for the acting but the writing. If you know Shakespeare it's just brilliant. My daughter is interested in the theater, which is too bad, but as I said to my wife: thank God she has no talent."