Do small penises ever get big?

Just before Christmas last year I received a letter from a disillusioned young woman. "Dr. Waylon," she wrote, "I meet lots of men with small willies. I say, my, that's a dimunitive willie, and they always answer with, 'I'm a grower, not a shower.' So, I take their word for it, and we go home together. But after several hours of doing everything in my power to encourage the little guys I give up and resign myself to the fact that they're NEVER going to reach a usable length in my lifetime. Tell me honestly, Dr. Waylon -- is there such a thing as a 'grower'?"

Signed, Unlucky Nancy"

Dear Unlucky Nancy --

I believe I may be of some assistance, penis size being my primary field of expertise. I have knee-deep in penises for twelve wonderful years, and two unremarkable ones. I hold many penis certificates and in my spare time am an avid penis-watcher. I have penis-watched on each of the seven continents and am privileged to have spotted some of the world's rarest penises, including a bobbing purple dropsy, a crested yellow softie, and a red-plumed eyepoker.

In short, Nancy, I am regarded as a standout in my field. I believe I can put an end to your penis musings.

My fellow researchers here at the Walthrop Academy of Neuro-Kinetic Erectile Response recently completed what is considered among penis researchers the definitive size study. In this study one participant, whom we'll call Mr. W (or "Bruce"), had a flaccid penis size of 5 1/2 inches, as well as a circumference of 6 inches. The second participant, whom we'll call Mr. P (or "Brad" for short), had a flaccid penis size of 1 3/4 inches, as well as the sympathy of everyone I've spoken to recently.

After exciting both participants using archival pornographic films, our researchers again measured the two men's penises. A graph charting film footage vs. penis growth is given below. The straight line represents Bruce, the asterisked line Brad. 


Penis
Growth
------
 6"                                              *
                                                * *
 5"                                            *   *
                                              *     *
 4"                                          *       *
                                            *         *
 3"                                        *           *
       ______________                     *             ****
 2"   /              \                   *                  *
     /              **\****************** ____________       ****
 1" / **************   \_________________/            \__________

   subjects shown footage    Control     subjects shown footage
   of Chesty Morgan in       Period      of "Big Randy" Calhoun
   "Poke Her Haunches"    (no stimuli)   in "Florist Hump"

The experiment was brought to a close by showing both participants topless photos of Kathie Lee Gifford.

As you can see, the study's results are quite interesting.

At full mast Bruce's penis has increased a scant 2 1/2 inches, for a total of thirty percent. While this increase might be impressive for a mutual fund, it's no big thrill penis-wise. Brad, on the other hand, has swollen nearly three hundred percent.

To put this in perspective, Nancy, if your net worth increased in size like Bruce's penis, you'd be spending most of your days in a little trailer on the Gulf of Mexico. But if your net worth increased like Brad's penis, well . . . welcome to NANCY-FORNIA!

So Nancy, and other interested peniphiles, the lesson here is that the cautious man or woman should excite the potential penised-partner to determine erectile size before commiting to coitus.

In other words, it's a crapshoot.

Happily at your cer . . . service,

Dr. Waylon Dowd
Founder and Director
Walthrop Academy of Neuro-Kinetic Erectile Response

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