On the newsgroup alt.showbiz.gossip "Nick" asks:

I think David Duchovny is gay. He's sensitive, he's caring, and he wears speedos a lot. Does anybody know for sure?

I am nearly an expert on homosexual sociology and beachwear so I'll be happy to answer. Nick, you're partly right and partly wrong.

First, gay men aren't all sensitive and caring. Most are just like regular guys. They take their pants off one leg at a time, they enjoy sports, and sometimes they do both at the same time. They drive trucks, they wear Levi's, and they watch "Walker Texas Ranger," and not just to picture Chuck Norris naked.

But you're right about the speedos. Yes, Nick, speedos are an integral part of the gay costume. But far from being just stretchy beach attire, speedos form an essential part of gay communication. In fact, you might say that speedos are like a homosexual CNN.

It works like this: The minute gay men get off work, they change into their speedos and head over to the nearest gay neighborhood. There the streets are filled with other men similarly clad. The men separate like the sexes at an Amish dance: the dominant men (known as "Butch" in the gay community) on one side, the submissives ("Mary") on the other.

Now, the Mary uses his penis like Hawaiians use camellias. A penis pointing right means he's available, pointing left means he's taken, and pointing out means anybody dropping change in the vicinity should just LET IT GO. Then basically he'll stand around, striking Vogueish poses and chattering about Depeche Mode while waiting for the Butch to approach.

When a Butch sees a Mary he likes, the "dance" begins.

The Butch, wanting to prove his reproductive fitness, will place several pieces of large tropical fruit into his speedos. He might drop in a banana, or some mangos, or perhaps an organic hothouse cucumber. He'll then approach the Mary, who will surreptitiously eye the "genitalia" while acting both impressed and convinced of its believability.

If the Mary agrees to mate with the Butch, he will pull off his speedos and shoot them into the air like a neon-color rubber band and sex will will commence forthwith. In this way one can note the similarities between gay courtship and MTV's "Singled Out."

However, competition among the Butches is fierce. If another Butch desires the same Mary, the two will strut and flex and make loud noises to try to scare off the competitor. If neither is scared off, the pair will coat themselves in oil and wrestle while trying not to dislodge the large tropical fruit they've stuffed into their speedos.

In case you're curious, this is how "World Championship Wrestling" was born.

About David Duchovny, well . . . from what I've seen of him in speedos I'd say he's available. If you're interested methinks you should hie your ass to a fruit stand.

Happily at your cer . . . service,

Dr. Waylon Dowd
Founder and Director
Walthrop Academy of Neuro-Kinetic Erectile Response