Making a living got you down? Is your future looking like a dead-end street? Wouldn't you love to spend all day watching TV, eating bon-bons, and waiting for the mailman to stop by with more checks for you? SPUNKCO can make this dream a reality!

Once having a child by a Hollywood Hunk was a dream obtainable only by the young and lovely. A study conducted in the 1970's showed that an unattractive woman had a better chance of breaking her shoe than being impregnated by Warren Beatty. NOT ANY MORE!

Now, thanks to SPUNKCO, ANY women can bear Warren's child! Nine months after calling us you'll be calling Bekins and waving TA-TA to TULSA! Why eat off sporks when you could eat off SILVER? Because even before that cord is cut you'll be WINGING YOUR WAY to your PALATIAL BEL AIR ESTATE!

Why SPUNKCO, you say, what if Warren Beatty doesn't want me to have his child? Well, we say . . . WHO THE HELL CARES? He should have thought of that before he pulled his pants down! He's got no say in the matter once his spunk is in OUR HANDS.

Yes, you heard us right. Using their spunk and our simple instruction guide this incredible dream will become your reality. You'll find yourself envied. You'll find yourself adored. You'll find yourself a lawyer, because YOU'RE GONNA BE RICH!

Listen to these unsolicited testimonials:

Michelle A. bought two vials of Abe Vigoda's spunk and is now the happy mother of a bouncing baby boy. "I always thought I'd have to have sex with Abe before I could bear his child. Both I and Fish Jr. say THANK GOD for SPUNKCO!"

Gladys I. says SPUNKCO has changed her life. "People used to treat me like trash because I lived in a trailer park and always wore sweatshirts I'd customized with puffy paint. But now that I've had Chris Farley Jr. I'm treated like a queen!"

Let's answer some frequently-asked questions.

Where does this spunk come from?

Our celebrity spunk is obtained through a growing network of male and female models, actresses and physical trainers who are not only gorgeous and desirable but also relatively concerned with the cleanliness of your spunk. After a successful celebrity rendezvous they immediately race to the waiting SPUNKmobile where their intimate body parts are suctioned dry and the results stored in our laboratories until needed.

Won't my neighbors get suspicious when the SPUNKmobile pulls up to my house?

No. The SPUNKmobile is disguised as an ordinary pizza-delivery van. To curious neighbors it will look like you're receiving a late night snack, not viable spunk packed in dry ice and dispatched to your door within twenty-four hours of your call.

How do I use my celebrity spunk?

What, we need to draw you a PICTURE?

What if I don't want a baby right now?

You'll still want to call SPUNKCO. Why not smear some spunk on your sheets and impress your friends? Imagine the looks on their faces when you proudly say, "Why, that's not just ANY spunk. That's Michael J. Fox's!"

The uses of celebrity spunk are too numerous to mention. When ordering, ask your operator for our free craft guide. We've had wonderful, flattering letters from satisfied customers who've used our spunk for everything from tile grout to cracker spread.

How much does celebrity spunk cost?

It's surprisingly affordable. Cost is based on the four S's:

• Success
• Scarcity
• Shape
• Sparkle

Success. Since you may reasonably expect your celebrity co-parent to contribute to your child's upkeep, YOUR future income will depend on HIS. Naturally more women want to bear JFK Jr.'s child than Sonny Bono's.

Scarcity. Because some celebrities have sex more frequently than others, price vary considerably. Some spunk is costlier than liquid gold, while others we're literally up to our necks in. For instance, Woody Harrelson is celibate, so we go to startling lengths to obtain his spunk. On the other hand, Charlie Sheen spunk is cheaper than a Big Gulp!

Shape. Sometimes it's awkward for our trained spunksters to reach the SPUNKmobile, or the spunk may get contaminated on the way. Though we try to send you spunk that's been packaged in a sterilized pyrex jar, sometimes all we can offer is a small section of somebody's skirt or a kleenex.

We were kidding about the Sparkle.

In terms of quality, celebrity spunk is graded along the following guidelines:

E	excellent
VG	very good
G	good
D	dried, suitable mainly for cooking

Here's a small selection from our price list, guaranteed through 1-31-98:

*	Call for availability and current market rate.
**	Sorry, our models can't tell them apart. But it's not the one with all the back hair.
***	Add ten bucks for a taxi and he'll bring over fresh.

Call our operators and mention you read this on the Internet and we'll SUPERSIZE you for ABSOLUTELY NO CHARGE! Why waste another day? Call SPUNKCO today!

SPUNKCO does not guarantee either pregnancy or spunk viability. SPUNKCO is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Walthrop Academy of Neuro-Kinetic Erectile Response. No celebrities were harmed during retrieval of spunk.