Since several tabloid newspapers printed the rumor that the "Frugal Gourmet" had penis enlargement surgery, many curious men have written asking for information on enlarging their own genitalia. Since I'm a penis expert I'll bite -- I mean, I'll explain.

In a nutshell my associates and I at the Walthrop Academy of Neuro- Kinetic Erectile Response offer two types of penis enlargement surgeries.

The first is penis thickening. Using a large, painful needle, fat is sucked out of the patient's abdomen and then injected into his penis. This is not unlike basting a turkey, though in this case you won't be sitting down to eat any time soon.

Your penis will then be kneaded like bread dough while we vainly try to break up the fat globules. Hopefully the fat will dissipate and your penis will be thick and sleek.

Probably, though, your erections will be bumpier than Gary Coleman's career.

Though some men complain at the results, most are pleased. Your penis will be thicker, more sexually satisfying, and if the fat globules don't dissipate you'll be able to play miniature shuffleboard any place, any time.

The second surgery is penis lengthening. Here we don't actually lengthen the penis -- instead, we cut it loose from the suspensory ligament that holds it onto the body. This surgery is best explained using an allegory.

The penis is like a drawbridge. Usually it just hangs there unobtrusively, swaying in the breeze and annoying people with boats. When a particularly tall schooner comes by, someone on land needs to grab a rope and hoist the blood-engorged bridge out of harm's way.

On second thought, the penis is like a dog that's tied to a tree. For a large part of the day, the dog will lie there sleeping, enjoying the sun, and batting away flies. But eventually the dog will see a particularly attractive butterfly and will want to give chase. The next time you see the dog it'll be foaming at the mouth and will have a swollen purple head.

Cutting the suspensory ligament, then, is like freeing your dog from his leash.

That's exactly what I'm looking for! you say. Perhaps you're running to the kitchen right now to get a knife. But let's think again. What would happen if you were to unleash your dog? Odds are within seconds he'd be running through neighbor's yards, digging at their rosebushes, and weeing on on every mailbox from here to Kansas City.

After your suspensory ligament is cut, you may do likewise.

Most men, though, find the benefits of this surgery outweigh the drawbacks. With the suspensory ligament cut, the penis is now perhaps two inches longer. Only the petty whiner will complain that his erection no longer points anywhere except shoeward. Also you'll find you need to compensate a bit in exchange for your penis' newfound freedom. Now that there's nothing to hold it steady it will bounce around like one of those little bobble-headed dogs that sit on the back dashboard of cars. You'll have to use both hands if you want to use a urinal less than nine feet across.

And, I'll casually mention in passing, after the surgery you'll find coitus to be the rough equivalent of guiding a pig through a wintergreen Lifesaver.

As the axiom goes, it's a trifle frustrating, and annoys the pig.

If you're still interested, feel to drop by our clinic at any time. We're right in the center of town, under the blinking neon "TINY PENIS CLINIC" sign.

Always at your cer . . . service,

Dr. Waylon Dowd
Founder and Director
Walthrop Academy of Neuro-Kinetic Erectile Response