12:30 am – I just had a look at some photos which Szusza had posted from the dinner the other night. I have to admit that I look rather dreadful. I had my hair pulled back which was a very stark look especially since I couldn't wear any make-up. My skin had a slight sheen to it from all the running around and that didn't improve things. I'm rather disappointed with myself at the moment, everything has reached a semi-halfway stage where I can see things moving, but not fast enough. My hair isn't long enough to style in a feminine fashion, I can't go for make-up or electrolysis or even waxing until the Roaccutane has done it's work which is another thing I'm waiting on also. Thankfully I will be able to wear earrings by the time the Glitter Ball comes around. In an ideal case, I would like to start on a course of hormones after 3 months of psychoanalysis and after I finish with the Roaccutane which would mean around New Year. This would be a nice round figure, start the "new" millenium with a new road for life.
I'm thinking about having a shower tonight (last one was on Sunday), but it's so late at night that I might give it the flick. I think my skin is improving, but who can tell.
I've been reading more about TG issues and especially about SRS on the web which has been quite interesting. Some of the photo's were informative if a bit graphic. I have a much better idea of things, but I continue to believe that it is not for me. Whether the head-shrinker will understand that I don't know. I also read the Benjamin Standards of Care (SOC) which were also quite informative too.
I have several new poems which I need to get around to posting soon. These were written on Sunday and which weren't too bad. I must have been in a rare and particular mood at the time, since I wrote three in about half an hour and that was it. The prose reservoir must have slowly filled and then been given a chance to flood and release it's contents.
I spoke to Soba a while back, seems like she'll be staying on at Berri for the foreseeable future since she says she has bills to pay back and no other job to go to.
I also spoke to my parents who just did a round trip to Melbourne to drop off an old washing machine for my brother. What's the current situation on the home front? Nothing. It's as though nothing has happened or ever happened. It's somehow comforting and infuriating at the same time. I just know mom is probably thinking this is another phase which if she ignores it will go away. Bloody hell, have I got bad news for her I'm afraid. As for dad, who knows. He knows I am the odd son out, the non-conformist, the "different one". I guess he just expects that in every extended family there will end up being one black sheep and why did it have to happen on his side of the family tree. ;)
I can't remember who said it but the quote "Impatience is the leading cause of death among T* people" leaps to my mind. I guess I have to realise that genetic and 24 years of social impact won't change overnight, but it will happen. ;)
It's somehow good and bad that my personality is so Piscean. I am capable of the grandest heights of imagination, wonder and love, but am completely without motivation or true purpose. One of my follies which I have to be on the look out for is that I do not allow people to lead me where I will eventually have regrets. Perhaps this is what I am so fearful about moving down the T* road. Do I really want this? That is only a question I can answer, but I could be anything if someone would lead me to be it. OK, this isn't totally true, but I can often be easily lead I admit. Perhaps this is what mum is banking on, that I won't have focus for long enough to do what I feel I want to do.
But if I were to always refuse the lead other people give me, then I wouldn't ever amount to anything. I would be my own person, but the forces of mediocrity and "path-of-least-resistance" would probably set in. Where I would be my natural self, but where I would be too afraid of offending people to be whatever I wanted to be. Ultimately I will hurt myself by not fulfilling my potential, or hurt others by being what I want to be. It takes a lot of guts for me to doubt myself like this but I know it's important to look at the shadow side of things and to reunite the darkness with the light. Like Tripitaka, if you deny your demons, they only hide and grow stronger.
I know that I want to move away from this one-sided gender spectrum, even in my moments of greatest doubt I know this is true. But the voices of my animus are always trying to sway my focus and ruin things. No, it can't wait until I've finished my Ph.D., no, I'm not insane and no I'm not being "led".
I need someone to show what can be done when you put your mind to a task, but that doesn't mean that they are "leading" me. I know someone who I respect and who shows me what can be achieved. But their path though parallel, is not my plan. There is never anything truly original, just variations on a standard scheme. I've read enough bio pages to know that. These longings, fears and desires are not new to either me or so many other people in the world. Perhaps the difference is that I will finally act upon them.