The shoes are "mules" I guess you'd call them. Black leather look with the toe cut out, and an elastic like strap around the heel. It says that they're size 41, but who knows what that means. Anyway, I've been wearing them since I got back from dinner, because I want to see if I can stretch and mould them to my feet before I take them out to the Ball. The look pretty good with the leather jacket (IMHO), so I'm happy. I might have preferred something which enclosed the heel, but these are pretty good, I must be a ladies 12 or 13 which I don't think they had, but I'll see what happens.
I'm trying to avoid the mirrors tonight, I've got about a week's beard growth, and now that I'm dressed, I don't like seeing myself in that ugly "half-state", but I guess I like getting dressed up, even if there's no occasion. Anyway, that's the next thing that I have to organize, have to ring this place "Ondina's" to see if the do men's waxing and hopefully get that together. The beard growth is making my face itchy as all hell, and I just know that a hot face wax is going to hurt like nothing else on earth… Oh well, the thing's us "grrls" do for beauty. Might ask them what their rates for electrolysis are also.
Apart from that, things are starting to come together finally. Will have to go over to Canberra Center tomorrow and get those other little things. Have to find some jewelry somewhere, even if it's only a necklace or a pair of clip-on earrings, I would like to get some.
Actually, now that I think about it, I might have to get a new corset soon, either my fat, bloated body has stretched this one beyond recognition, or I might have lost some weight. Personally I'm supporting the first belief, but not having any scales I don't know. Didn't eat too much during the day, but absolutely gorged myself at dinner tonight. Felt bloated for an hour or more afterwards.
Something of interest, last time when we were dressing for Mick's photo shoot, I wasn't really convinced that Stephanie was a real person. Usually I put my clothes on, and then do make up. So that most of my male trappings are discarded quickly and I fall into feminine mood whilst putting the make-up on. But this time I did it in reverse, and I couldn't rid myself of the belief that it was just an ugly guy trying to be a woman. I might have to buy a make up cloth so that I can put make-up on whilst dressed and not worry about getting make-up on my clothes. So what I did at Mick's, was to just close my eyes and picture myself as the way I knew I really was. I just sat there quietly and thought about Stephanie and whispered "Stephanie Jane Hamilton, Stephanie Jane Hamilton" because that is my full name, and after about 5 minutes of this quiet mantra, I opened my eyes and there was Stephanie staring back at me from the mirror smiling at me and saying hello. I guess there's some sort of mental barrier which I have to break through, I can't seem to integrate these two halves of my lives, it's either one or the other. Personally I much prefer Stephanie, but at the moment I forced to be stuck as Steve.
I suppose this might be related to why I hate to see myself in this "unshaven yet dressed state". It's a grotesque caricature of Stephanie who is a beautiful person inside and out. I mean I've written several poems around the theme of "Don't shut her away". When I get back here to my room and I sit and look in the mirror, I have so much "love" for this person who looks back at me from the mirror. She should have been the one on this side of the mirror, I don't understand why it had to be the other way around. 12:30 am - I've found the poem in an enormous pile of papers, here it is.
She doesn't want to go,
I can hear her calling, saying
"Please, this is who we are, why deny it?"
She doesn't want to go,
Even at this late hour,
When logic states that it's time
For gold carriages to revert to pumpkins
She doesn't want to go.
Bit by bit she disappears,
Until that radiant woman is no more.
Subsumed to maintain the societal image,
She didn't want to go.
Depressing isn't it… You can guess when this was written. Still, I think there's a line or two that needs to be added…
She has gone, this is true.
But she lurks there, underneath the skin.
She helps pull the strings,
She will rise again,
like a mighty titan she will bestride the world one day.
This is her destiny.
She will rise again.
Truer word were surely never spoken. She (I) is excited, on Saturday she will be let out on the world. I want her to be free, I wonder what will happen? I feel scared, but in a really great way. ;)
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