27th September

We walked around from the back of the Rex, and into the Ball-room foyer. Wow! I still haven't got my reward for actually turning up, but I knew I deserved it. The event was about 150 people, which was great pretty much an even mix of all three genders ;) and people were standing around chatting and so on. We were at table 9, at the same table there were a group of 5 girls (Genuine Girls - lesbians) who were really friendly, there was an old guy named Bill who I couldn't really understand, and one other guy who didn't say anything for the whole evening. Szusza was on my right left and a two wonderful girls Kym and Emma on the right. Szusza and I kept on buying bottles of Champagne, we had a great time dancing, everybody was really friendly, the Gay Quire performed (great), there were a pair of drag acts (OK) and a raffle (didn't win anything). I really can't believe that it went for about 4 hours, the band finished off on New York, New York! Which was really great. I took all of my photo's by 11:30 pm, so that was annoying, but apart from that everything was fantastic. At the end I somehow ended up in the arms of some big guy with a shaved head called Rob. We were… um, doing the old public display of affection on the dance-floor, I don't know whether anyone noticed, but it would have been hard to miss. I think it might have shown poor judgement on my part, because I suddenly thought what have I done! He asked if I wanted to come home with him and I thought Oh my God, what have I done! I said I had to go to the toilet, and went out through the main foyer and around the far side of the building to get a grip on the situation and work out what I would say. (Now it gets even worse) While I was walking around the side of the building I ran into some guy who had an Irish accent, he asked if there was a pub nearby, I pointed down Northbourne and explained where everything was, he asked where I would be, I said at the Meridian. I still hadn't clicked, but as we walked around the front, he casually mentioned that he had a room at the Rex… CLICK! Well I said no thanks and that a friend was inside waiting for me, Good God, what the hell was going on? I got back inside, Rob said he would take the bus down to the Meridian, and we went and took the car. When we got there, Rob was waiting out the front, and I explained the situation to her, she said just say you have a boyfriend and that's what I did. He said fair enough, and gave me his card, which I've still got. We kicked on t the Meridian playing pool and chatting until about 3:30 am, when it closed. We were the last people there, there was some little Irish accented guy (not the same one) who was kissing all the grrls and girls on both cheeks and that was funny but weird. Four of us, Szusza, myself, Sharon and another TG got in Szusza's car and we drove down to Heaven which was better than the last time I remember it. We chilled out a bit, had a drink in the side bar, then went and danced. Eventually the people started to thin out, and at about 4:30 am we decided to go home. Szusza got changed and I just dumped my stuff and crawled (literally) into bed at about 5:15 am, I could see the sun coming up. There's plenty more, but at the moment I think that's the main highlights.

So what do I think of that? I don't know, it seemed so natural to be out like that I didn't really think too much of it. It was a really great experience I have to admit, and I'd love to do it again sometime, but I think I'll try to avoid drinking so much, I have been feeling so seedy today it's not funny. I hope that I can get theses pictures developed pretty soon, I'd love to see how they turned out. I've got the photo which the professional photographer took, it looks pretty good, slightly misted so it looks OK.

I find it very surprising that I'm so unfazed by the whole experience. I haven't really been thinking "Oh my God I can't believe it, what an experience". It was just a really great night out. I'm not sure whether that is necessarily a good or bad thing. I mean, it's just that all these other people rave on about what an "experience" going out was for them. Maybe it's because I'm young and haven't really been shut up in the closet for 20 years or something ridiculous like that, and I was comfortable in my persona. Maybe the longer you are locked away you get into a particular mind-set and breaking that mind-set is so much more of a revelation. I'm not sure, but I know I had a great time.

One of the trannie's who we went to Heaven with had had a bit of plastic surgery on her face, and I have to admit I am rather curious about maybe getting my nose done. I haven't the foggiest as to what it might cost (~$3000 I guess) but I can't see why I wouldn't get it done. I'm not sure, maybe something else first. I don't know, I wouldn't mind feminizing my features, it really doesn't worry me what anybody else thinks. I really must get in touch with the Gender Center, hopefully they will be able to recommend a doctor to see about hormones down here in Canberra. I have to admit that the idea of hormones is still very appealing, and the sooner I get started, the better.

I have to admit, I really am "Stephanie X - Mistress of Irony", I mean as a guy I can't find even one woman, but as a girl, I have guys chasing me left, right and center! I mean is this a subtle hint of what my sexuality is supposed to be? ;) I don't know, I think I might be heading towards bi, I mean I love women, but after looking around for months, but it seems that there are no women in my life or likely to be in my life (not totally true) for quite some time, and there are plenty of really friendly guys out there, who don't play games with you and so on. I can't say that I find the idea of a guy's body particularly attractive, but having someone, anyone, there is a big turn-on in itself. I have to admit, I don't even know whether I'd be turned on by seeing a woman naked, simply because it's been so long. What, it must be getting close to 8 months since I had sex with a girl and before that even longer. It's really ironic that me a really nice guy (IMHO) is basically "going gay" simply because no women seems to be looking for a nice guy. I mean if there's an even number of guys and girls in the world, and nobody has more than one girl or boyfriend at a time, that means there ought to be an even number of unattached people of each sex. So where are all the single girls? I know a hell of a lot of single guys, (more single than attached) so where are the equivalent number of unattached females??? I don't think I really care anymore, I mean I've found freedom within myself, and being single I can do what I want and get away with things that I never could if I was attached. Being single does have it's drawbacks it is true, but my desire for those sort of things does tend to wax and wane. Where lies my path? I'm not expecting for it to become clear in a blinding flash of light, I mean I should be glad I wasn't born 100 or even 25 years ago, since I would already be expected to be married and that would be the end of that. No more life, end of story.

What are the things which I would like if I was in a relationship? Who knows. Can you get it anywhere else is the question. If so I wouldn't even need a relationship. Obviously you don't need a relationship to get sex, you don't need a relationship to have a friend who will listen and be there. I don't know, maybe I've given up on the whole dating/relationship scene, not that I'm bitter and/or twisted, it would probably be great, but I guess that at the moment my life is pretty complicated, I'm reaching what appears to be a time where my path might be chosen. Will I go and follow my feminine desires? What about work? Although I've still got a few years left, what the hell will I do after that? I don't want to become an academic do I?

I think it might be a curse if I meet someone really nice, I mean how the heck would I explain myself? They would have to be as strong as steel, since anyone who has to come to terms with me is bound to get their brain turned in knots.

It seems ironic, people are supposed to be mature at 18, but I realise now that comparing myself now to when I was 18, I was incredibly immature. It seems that just over the last 18 months while I've been in Canberra, I really have "Come of Age". In a way Hawkesbury was just an extension of school, and I didn't have any real personal development while I was there. Maybe I'm just getting to that sort of age when you start to really assess your life and make real decisions. God, I haven't the foggiest what I want to do with my life. I'm completely undecided. Tim-Tam, must have a Tim-Tam! Mmmmmmmm ;)

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