Mentally at times it has been a grueling few weeks. The US, and particularly Miami is an expensive place to live and concerns over money have been haunting me somewhat. It's Saturday night, and although I could go out, I would be dancing alone and racking up expensive cocktails by myself. I've not actually landed in the true sense yet, that won't happen until I hold my first real pay-check in my hand, and I feel safe to stand on my own feet, unsustained by a lifeline stretching all the way back to Australia.
Another reason why I am trying to live frugally, is because of my plans for the future. Finally I have within my grasp the desire and the means to begin to shape my body. During my PhD, this was just a half-dreamt of hope, now I can make it reality. I'm hoping to schedule for breast augmentation sometime in early March, not long after my birthday. I have been talking with Kate, who is scheduled to go under the knife with Dr O in the next few days, and I appreciate her candor. My underlying vanity surfaces occasionally in this diary, and again it does now. I want to improve myself, I want to be beautiful, I am willing to pay the price. However, I will not heedlessly rush into anything either, there is enough time to earn the money, select a surgeon and approach it with as much care as possible.
I think it is also time to start asking myself “What do I want from the future?”. “Where is my life going?” In the long term I already know the answer, few scientists stay in research for more than 10 years, being inevitably shuffled into managerial style positions by the never ending flow of new PhD's behind them. Knowing this is somewhat of a relief as, because it gives me some direction over what my choices are. There are a series of Human Resources workshops coming up which might be useful to attend, dealing with “Affirmative Action” and “Sexual Harassment” and other issues. I hope that these may help to give me another edge to my skills set.
In general terms I am happy, and yet I am not satisfied. I feel the urge to go farther, become more successful, to take my rightful place where ever it may show itself to be. I'm standing where I wanted to be all those years ago, on foreign soil with Doctor in front of my name.
Upwards and onwards to the stars…