9:15 pm – Wednesday 12th January 2005

Attenborough's frontier town.

I am always amazed at how much I used to write. I still don't have a television, so I can't use that as an excuse, and I'm probably not as busy as I used to be during my Ph.D. and first post-doc, so I can't explain why I don't write as much as I used to.

Today I got up late since my body clock is all messed up. I arrived at work a little after 11 am, and then had coffee with Katie between noon and 1 pm. She's had her usual string on one night stands and drinking, so nothing much had changed there. In the afternoon I worked on the Livers paper, which I dropped into the mail after a lot of work. Then I edited the Anderson paper which took a lot of work because it is such an unscientific paper. Tomorrow I need to practice my talk, since I give my general presentation to the faculty on Friday afternoon. Then Saturday I have to move, Sunday I will be cleaning my old apartment for the check out on Monday morning. The weather for the next few days is expected to be a high of about –11C with lows around –20C. Oh the joys of living in the great white North.

According to the little timer on my desktop, there is about 1043 hours until my SRS, about 43.5 days. I'm a little apprehensive, so it did me good to read about now I felt before my breast augmentation back in July 2002. Now of course I love my breasts and wouldn't swap them for anything, but before the surgery I was obviously apprehensive. I think this is how I'll feel a year from now, after all the worst of the pain and dilation is over. I asked Bonnie if she would think I was crazy if she didn't know that I was trans and I told her I was going for surgery. She said that yes, most people would think I was crazy. I can see their point, but since they've never had such a disconnect between body and mind, I guess I can't expect them to understand. The best I can do is to minimize the amount of regrets I could have in the future. It's interesting reading back over my diary entries to see how much I have wanted my SRS, and for how long. I think I stopped feeling trans a long time ago, which is why it doesn't feature much in my diary after I moved to Miami. Yet, reading back to my transition, I see that I always wanted it, I just couldn't afford it. Even up until September of 2004, I thought it was years away because of the expense. It turns out I was eligible for a big enough loan, and that's what started the ball rolling. Now having talked about it for over 5 years or more, things will be a reality in less than 43 days.

I just got off the phone with Bonnie, she has experienced a tough few days dealing with her room mate which sucks. :( It was so wonderful to be down there for Xmas and feel her arms around me.

I've had a hard time of late because I am still hurting after my break up with Tiffany. She dumped me on 16th June 2004, the last diary entry I wrote before a long hiatus. For a year we were going out and she told me she loved me so many times. Then after she graduated in May 2004 she got a job in Denver Colorado with Raytheon (a big defence contractor) and told me not to call or email again. This hurt more than I could ever imagine. When I got back into Montana after Xmas, she'd sent me a Xmas card. In it she mentioned she had a new boyfriend and this really stabbed me in the heart. Just to know she's buried a piece of her life, the secret relationship we'd had, which she wouldn't tell anyone about, even after visiting her parents in Baker. For a long time this was eating away at me, and I went into therapy specifically to try and resolve this. It was especially hard because I was now in a relationship with Bonnie, and it was hard to talk about how much I was hurting from my last relationship. Knowing how Tiffany hides her past is hurtful, she will happily bury her true self just to please her company and her family. I'll always care for her, as I have always cared for those I love, but I don't if she knows how much she hurt me.

Wow, I'm glad I finally wrote that, for a long time I didn't really mention Tiffany in my diary because of how paranoid she was about being seen as gay. She wouldn't even hold my hand at the QMSU meetings. Katie once said never to date girls who haven't figure out their queer issues, and I guess in the end she was right. It's hard to remember holding Tiffany and dancing to Sinead O'Connor “Nothing compares to you”, and what happened after that. Bonnie, please forgive me for this long overdue venting.

Well, I'm obviously very verbose tonight. Reading diary entry 351, I commented in jest that a lot of things weren't included in the “Becoming a girl for dummies” manual. That's still, true, nothing prepares you for life as a woman as growing up as one. I still learning (courtesy of some rather odd questions for Bonnie) about diverse things such as learning from other women, bathroom etiquette and a whole bunch of other lessons which you can only learn by being there. It's hard because people who don't know my background naturally expect me to know these little things which can sometimes be embarrassing to a greater or lesser extent.

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