Well, I'm sitting in bed here in the hotel in Flagstaff, unable to sleep. The last two days have been very hectic, but perhaps that is a good thing. It seems I am one of the front running candidates for this professor position, so why can't I sleep?
As the title line may indicate, I still feel sad and broken-hearted over the break up with Bonnie. How is it that girls can get so deep down inside me like a honey covered fish hook, and then pull out my entrails upon exiting?
I feel myself standing at a crossroad, a nexus, some kind of juncture. Now more than ever I am envious of Sherilyn for various reasons. At times like these it would be nice to have no more commitments in life than a 9 to 5 job, and to be in a city like San Francisco, with a seemingly endless number of fun things to do. Undoubtedly there is a degree of romanticism on my part, the crowds, the crime, the poverty and homelessness, and the high cost of living are all negatives I am able to avoid living in Montana. Perhaps my short visits to the Bay area are just enough to tantalize me with expectations, but not enough for me to see the gritty reality close up.
Part of why I can't sleep is simply because I want some time to think. I feel that maybe I've been in such a rush in my professional life, that I haven't yet been able to figure out what I want from life. Humans are remarkably adaptable creatures, and so I know I could be happy in so many different places once I evolved into them. Perhaps it is simply because I am getting older, that I'm more fearful, more cautious, always wanting to have escape options and contingency plans.
What if this is my only option for staying in the US, would I still want this job then? I think I would be very happy at one of the big government laboratories, but I know that they have their own share of frustrations. There is still another candidate to be interviewed this Thursday and Friday, and he is also a postdoctoral fellow with a closer research interest. So perhaps despite my front-runner status, I could be beaten.
Inertia is a terrible thing because the future is inextricably tied to the past. What one does, or alternatively does not do now, influences the future. For work, it takes time to get students, to write grants, to achieve results. Is it any wonder I am so jealous of a person who can simply leave work at work and go home? There is a quote I hate using for two reasons, one because it originates somewhere in the bible, and because it seems so trite but for me is so true. “Of those whom much is given, much will be expected”. I guess this is the effect of my Roman Catholic background showing through.
You know what I think I'd like (a dangerous thing, because who knows what it is that we truly want). I think I'd like to have being 25 back again. I'd like to live in the Bay area of San Francisco for a year, and be able to hang out with a big bunch of lesbian friends. To work some minor job that just covers the bills and leaves the rest for going out to the Lexington, and having fun without needing to think too far about the future. To do a slew of wild, silly things, and then after I've gotten it out of my system be able to pick up my career where I left off.
Maybe I'm getting old, maybe I'm just second-guessing myself. Probably I will feel much better in the morning light.