Today has not exactly been the best day. Last night, Kadie and I went to hang out with her friends Adam, Chris, Paul and Alice for dinner. The chilli was nice, and later on we play a National Geographic board game, which Chris and I won. Kadie and I left about 11:30 pm, and we walked back to my apartment where we stayed up late talking.
Although we woke up at about 8 am this morning, we lay in bed for a long time. We kissed and stroked one another, and eventually this ended up leading to sex. To be more specific, it lead to sex for her. I pleasured her body, expected this attention to be reciprocated afterwards, but alas no. She started to stroke my vulva; as she had done in the past, but halfway through she completely stopped. This was a rather unpleasant occurrence because I was really starting to get into it. I asked her what was going on, and she said that she didn't know how to pleasure me. I said it was pretty much the same as for any other woman, and oh please don't stop. Then she made an analogy to a friend of hers named Chris, and I was rather offended and lost my interest in sex. (Chris was a straight guy, who had a crush on Kadie and who had avowed to get a sex change so as to be with Kadie. No, of course he didn't go through with it.)
I am fairly laid back, and I try to empathize with all people. I listened to what little she would say to me, and I was just not satisfied. I had lavished my time and affection on her, and this is how she decided to repay me? She got dressed to leave, I gave her back her books and she left about 11:30 am. While I was having a shower my suppressed anger boiled over, and I cursed her name out loud. Not only had she trivialized my life struggle, but she had also been downright selfish to boot.
I got cleaned up and went to work. Kadie called my cell phone, and I ignored it. I talked to the Department head in Arizona, and our negotiations are moving along. Later in the afternoon Kadie called again and asked if she could come by the lab. Against my better judgement I relented and told her to come by whenever she wanted. She came by around 4 pm and brought me a belated Xmas present. I was understandably standoffish, and told her that I had been quite upset at her behaviour that morning. She apologized, and although I accepted her apology I admitted I had been foolish ever to tell her about my past and that I should have lied to her. Undoubtedly this will colour all my future disclosures to people. I had been so comfortable with Bonnie, that I forgotten what a liability being truthful is.
I said that I could not take back what I had told her, and that I liked her company and I liked making love to her. I told her that if she could not deal with it, then we probably would not have much of a future. She admitted that she wants to be more than just friends, but did not answer how she would go about dealing with her feelings. I was more sympathetic that I maybe should have been, I do not have a problem with my past, and nothing about my body is foreign to her or me any more. If I was still pre-op perhaps it would matter, but instead it's my past which is in her head, a past she knows precious little about, and which is the only thing stopping me enjoying the sexual capability I have dreamt about for years.
She left about 5 pm, and I was still not wholly satisfied. How can a person stab someone so deeply and expect an apology to bandage over the ragged wound? I went back to work, as it was nice to have something else to focus on. I am working through a book on symmetry and group theory, and I ran a Corey-Fuchs reaction so I only got home after 8 pm.
Currently I am sitting in bed writing this diary entry up. For the next four days Kadie is taking care of Greta's children while Greta is out of town. Greta is the Nordic ski coach here at the university, and Kadie has a huge unrequited crush on her. Quite honestly this is why I am jealous that Bonnie is so very into Lauren, at least Lauren seems to have her life together. On the other hand Kadie sometimes seems like a loose collection of contradictory ideas, impulses, urges and compulsions. I don't need this kind of crap except as an object lesson in what I don't want.