I haven't written much for a while, mainly because I have been so busy since I returned. I was only moderately grilled when I cross the border, but they still have a way of making you feel like a criminal. I saw Bonnie and had some wonderful conversations with her before jumping on an aeroplane back to Arizona.
I flew back in the middle of a snowstorm, and was very happy to be back. I was jet lagged and completely exhausted, but I still caught up with a few people I knew that Friday night (23rd February).
I have been thrown right back into the thick of things, but I suppose that is understandable. I believe I have high standards and expectations for myself that I wish to live up to. It will also be so much easier next year, now that I have a slew of lectures, assignments and exams to call upon.
The research is moving along only sluggishly, as much of my energies have been redirected at other tasks. I have expressed this to my students who seem to understand that we have to work around certain issues outside of our control. I have a good bunch of students, with only one exception. I hope I can retain certain of them for the summer and for next semester.
I have been enjoying spending time with my lesbian friends, who are the major core of my social network here in Arizona. On Sunday I had brunch with a group of them, and then afterwards I spent more time with Bren and Sherri until late in the afternoon. They took me to the urgent care to have my ring finger x-rayed, and fortunately there was no break. Afterwards we washed Bren's motorbike and recharged the battery. It was a pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon, and proves again that there is much more to life than work.
Monday was spent preparing lectures and supervising students. Today (Tuesday) I worked on the lecture, delivered it ad then spent an hour at the DMV. This was to get my drivers license switched over from Montana to Arizona. Of course, because I'm a foreigner it took forever. Finally I made it back to the lab to supervise my students, and at 4 pm I got changed and headed over for rugby practice.
My left ring finger got stomped on Saturday in Albuquerque, so it was rather tender, but overall the practice was a good opportunity for different people to practice some different field positions.
Tomorrow is the laboratory session I supervise, and that will require some supervision but I also need to work on lectures for Thursday. Even after Thursday, there is still a full week before I get a rest over Spring break. My lectures are not great, but as with anything (but theses in particular), as long as you get something down on paper, you can debug it and look like an expert later on.
It will be my birthday soon, and this reminds me that it has now been over two years since I was in Thailand. How quickly the time sprints by, maybe as always, the busier one is, the faster time drags. Only when we are bored does it ever seem to move slowly.
In other news, I have been thinking about Adam a lot. He is a friend of Kadie, and I have been wondering a lot about what it might be like to be with a guy. Even during my “am I gay (in the conventional sense)” phase, I wasn't interested of guys, but now as I get older I am wondering if I have missed out on anything. I have a tough time reaching orgasm by myself, so I don't know what a guy could offer me, but I feel that it is important to keep an open mind.
I had a “date” with a girl named April last Thursday, and that ended quite pleasantly (we both kept most of our clothes on). The ego massage is nice to receive, but I worry that I am fundamentally undateable. I don't have a rampant sex drive like many of the girls I know, I inhabit an overly intellectual head space, and I am so incredibly busy at the moment. Perhaps the "asexual" community is onto something? I still feel somewhat resentful for never having an overly active sex drive, but it probably saved me from doing something stupid when I was younger, so I should just try to accept it.
However, the current culture in which I live suggests that a high sex drive is an ideal, and that so by contrast I feel negative about my current situation. I have tried a cocktail of hormones, self-affirmations and scheduled quality time with myself, and yet nothing has truly inspired me. I think that perhaps 6 years of Androcur has permanently damaged what little sex drive I once possessed. *sigh*
I think what I need currently is a lot of non-sexual cuddling, something to reinvigorate my depressed oxytocin levels and make me feel wanted and attractive.