So very tired. I'm sitting in the San Francisco Airport waiting for Sereana's flight to arrive from Phoenix. My international flight was very long and I did not get any sleep at all, coupled with waiting for another two hours leaves me here staring at my coffee with very few thoughts passing through my brain. With no wireless internet connection to leach off, all I can do to pass the time is to write a little. Things went smoothly through the whole border thing thankfully.
The more I shop, the less I find to buy. It's funny how that works out. The more money I accumulate, the less I desire. I suppose that is a good thing right? Not that this prevented me from purchasing a DS Lite and a new MP3 player in the past few months, but maybe I'm just ignoring the intangible items, a hotel room here, a flight there, that sort of thing. I still have covetous eyes on a tricross bike worth $2,000, but perhaps I will talk myself out of that like I talked myself out of $340 boots?
I have warned Sereana that I may not be in the best mood after my long journey. I remember scaring Ally very badly in 2001 after a particularly bad coach trip from Sydney to Canberra. Some days I think I have changed, and other times I doubt it.
Being in San Francisco always makes me think of Sherilyn. I still have never been in town when she has had an event on, and this will be the second year in a row that I have missed Pride by a week. Perhaps one day I'll get to meet her, you can't help but be curious about a person whose life seems to run parallel to one's own. I suppose I wonder why her stealth cloak fails so often (is it the gothickness?) when mine seems mostly intact? Mostly I don't give much thought to the whole TG thing these days, life is way too busy and like the dot-com bubble, those heady days are long departed.
At home I had a thumb through my reprinted copy of “Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds”. It was originally written in the 18th century I believe, but is still amusingly relevant today, to quote another book “What wise men do in the beginning, fools do in the end...
I need to remember the passive-aggressiveness that I was constantly confronted with in my relationship with Kadie. It is an important part of what I found most difficult in that bond. I admit to being partly to blame, she was/is low on self-confidence and needed continually reassuring. Perhaps that is what I am looking for, someone strong and independent enough to stand alone, but willing to share closeness and intimacy without being utterly dependant upon it. I took a chance with Sereana that I never was able to with Kadie, I used “Love” in an email with Sereana. With Kadie, I knew I was going to leave and that made me fear to commit myself, and hurt her in the long run. I don't know if what I feel for Sereana is “Love”, but this time away will help me to understand what I feel when I see her.
To be honest, I haven't had that “head over heels” feeling since I dated Bonnie. Every chance to see her was electric, every parting a time for tears. I miss all my exes, but I miss her (and then Tiffany) the most. Perhaps because they were my first real lesbian relationships is what made them feel so intense? That passion and urgency about one's scientific work was such a turn on, or perhaps I just have a weakness for programmers? I wish I could recapture those times and feelings.
What else have I missed in the updates? The downstairs area is fine and dandy, I just need to keep up with the maintenance. Weekly douching with a vinegar dilution keeps things fine and dandy, but I am a bit behind on dilation, but since I am unlikely to indulge in any heterosexual activity, I am probably good. Aesthetically none of the doctors in Australia had any issues with it, and that is always a happy thing to hear.