So, my first real day at home, what did I get up to? Woke up about 9:45 am and kicked around for most of the day. I collected a bit of fire wood from the back yard and that was the most of it. For some reason I've been quite cold. I've been wearing thermal underwear most of the day. Dad came back and drove me back into town around 4:00 pm. I went to the library and sent off a whole bunch of emails. Of course I hadn't received any since I left Canberra, since it's only been 48 hours. Naturally it seems much longer. I just know I'm going to be crawling the walls by the time Friday comes around…
I think I'm having a "Aaarrrggghhhh! I hate my body" day. Dang it, everything is too big… *sigh* hence I'm indulging in excessive quantities of sugar to compensate… Still there's nothing I can do to make myself smaller, so I'll just have to deal with it. Still, it doesn't do wonders for the self-esteem, and of course it makes it a bit harder to convince people (i.e. parents) if you look and feel (sometimes) like a big hulking male
Goddam it, sometimes I get really pissed off… still I suppose comparatively that my position in life is a very good one and even (I suppose) something to be envied by others… I suppose I should keep a sense of perspective… it wasn't until I met this one person that I had met someone younger or better looking (IMHO), so I suppose I'm still dealing with the fallout of moving into the broader Tranny community. So I don't know… I guess I'm suffering from that most common of Tranny ailments… impatience… Shit I wish I could finish this course of Roaccutane, it's making me look old and is generally f**king my face over… at the same time of course I'm wishing that the hormone replacement therapy would hurry up as well… I guess I've been spoiled… *lol* give a grrl some preliminary results and they start demanding more and more
Owww… sugar headache… Yeah, I really have been comparatively spoilt I guess, I'm born and raised in a great family, I go to some of the world's best schools and universities, I have wonderful supportive friends, I discovered who and what I am relatively early in life, and my body and mind are both of high quality *toot* so I need to remind myself of all these things and realize how lucky I am… still, it can't hurt to wish to aspire to greater things still… ;)
I'm still thinking about the tranny hierarchy… there is no doubt that due to the generic entry requirements that the T* community has a higher degree of psychological disturbances than that of the "main-stream" community (is it?). Now unfortunately we seem to have a self-reinforcing system where the passing are somehow "better" people than the non-passing and the enormous rift between the transsexuals and the cross-dressers. Obviously being in the transsexual portion means a greater life-style change, but considering the multitude of grey sub-divisions between the two, it's seems to me to be easy to see that the two are inexorably linked… so why the rift? Maybe as I've written else where, the transsexual side want their cause to be devoid of a sexual component and to be instead recognized as a life-style choice? It's hard for me to say, because although I can see the division, I want to ask below the first layer of obvious questions. Definitely the antics of drag queens and "panty men" gives a stereotype that transsexuals wish to avoid. The general population at large makes great use of stereotypes to fill out a character whom they don't know, and so from that factor transsexuals wish to create a stereotype different from that of the "drag queen". I suppose everyone would like to create their own stereotype, for a vulnerable group like transsexuals the one created is that of a sympathetic one. A stereotype which asks for pity however, is obviously flawed and better replaced by one which demands equality. Not unlike that of the gay community. I mean, why the heck should I have to justify my gender selection to anyone?!
Ok, I've probably insulted and offended a whole bunch of people here, but I can't help it if I call it like I see it… not that I'm expecting this diary entry to suddenly set the world on fire… *lol*
Yeah, I guess that with nobody here to contradict me or point out the obvious flaws in my plans, that any old concept of mine suddenly takes flight as some sort of wonderful and irrefutable plan…
I know I believe in the sliding grey scale between TS and CD, because I sit somewhere in those "extremes". Not wanting SRS yet wanting to live as the gender of my choice is not that uncommon, I suppose that many do this whilst awaiting SRS as part of their real life test. But since I have no desire to go further, I guess that I what sets me apart because you can't describe me as pre-op TS which is a very convenient and aspired to label.

Have I considered that this choice may give me the worst of both gender worlds, and not the best? Looked upon as deviant by men, and mistrusted as "one of the enemy still" by women? I don't know. Hence the push to transition successfully and pass unequivocally. Again it comes back to the gender role constructed by society. If there were no gender roles, would there be as many trannys? Well in theory I guess there would be just as many transsexuals, because that is along the lines of "I want a female body, not necessarily an assigned gender role". What about me? I guess I do want a female body, but all the surgery in the world won't do it for me, and so that leaves me a transgendered person. I suppose this comes back to the point that no matter how much surgery you have, you can't cut out that Y chromosome… To me SRS is cosmetic surgery… maybe the ultimate in the field, but cosmetic none the less… (hmmm, is it getting warm in here or is it just me? *lol*). So transsexuals take on the gender roles of women, just as non-op people do, they just have the scars (literally) to prove it. So maybe it is the degree of permanence with which a female body is desired which is the key? Given a gender changing device, transsexuals at the far end of the spectrum would use it once and that would be it. Cross-dressers might use it on an "entertainment" basis, and then change back.
Or is it the desire to take on a female gender role which is more important? I'm not quite certain about this just yet (just thought of it). Unfortunately I think this is coming back to a circular argument of "Why do people want to transition?" Female body or role or both? Jeeze this is one sticky area… *g*
Maybe that's it? Denied a genuinely female body, transsexuals seek to take on the female gender role to compensate… sounds reasonable I think… of course there is all manner of surgery to complete the illusion, up to and including Ousterhout and SRS, but ultimately just an illusion… so from that argument, transsexuals are motivated by a desire to acquire the opposite gender role…
So it seems the motivations of transsexuals are a mixture of role and body… with no chance of a genuine female body they take on the gender role instead… I think this might be one of my more important realizations yet… I would take the female body if it was offered, but this is not on offer, so I have to compensate with the gender role… That seems to be the answer, and the question I suppose could be phrased as "What motivates Transsexuals?".
So, can a tranny reach their preferred gender role without the need for surgery? Certainly, but the penis and so forth are generally the most obvious remnants of their past male role, and hence usually get the chop. Of course, the newly emerged from surgery TS will have the ability to settle further into their gender role and be able to "prove" their femaleness… excepting of course if they are subjected to any kind of chromosome test…
Passing trannys are those who have "passed" the test… those who have not passed successfully, therefore "logically" must be failures, and it is this which causes the stress within the community. Nobody likes a loser, everybody loves a winner, and passing post-op transsexuals are the top of the class, the cream of the crop. But not unexpectedly they wish to further their female gender role, and something that this mostly precludes is associating with the transgendered crowd. Females are supposed to be attracted to men, or lesbians to other lesbians and so forth… men and often a lot of lesbians are not enormously sympathetic to the transgendered cause.
To some degree it is understandable, if you've been fighting all your life, and you do get to the top of the mountain, you want a rest. But if we look at the whole picture, there are lots of individual battles being won, but the war is still being lost…
Phew, what a tirade! ;) Still, I did get the source of our motivation sorted out, and that's not a bad call. Many people search for years and never find out what drives them to SRS and beyond…
Okkie, it's now 4:20 am and I am so definitely going to bed now it's not funny. Tomorrow will be another boring day so I had better get all ready for it… *lol*
See you all later… *Hugz* :)