Hmmm… an interesting day today, that's for sure
Woke up about 9:15 am and kicked around, had breakfast and figured another shower wouldn't hurt. Mum was mowing, so I took my disc-man and headed for the top of the hill. Spent time up there crashed out on the grass just listening to the music and chilling out, headed back down again when the cheap batteries ran out. Watched some more TV and lay about, I think I got a little bit sun-burnt, but that doesn't take very much these days.
I had been thinking all day of how exactly I was going to breach the subject of being Trans with Mum, so I was feeling a little tense. I came along when she went into town. We stopped at the bank so she could get some money and I said I was going to the library to send email, and she said I could show her my web-site… my heart palpitated for just a few seconds, and so I said sure. After I had sent and read my email, I typed in the URL and handed the computer to her as I went browsing the shelves whilst my guts churned for a while. She looked for a while, and we chatted in the car, then we went shopping and then home via the M******'s dairy and we were talking and at home we continued to talk for a fair while.
So, in retrospect it went down quite well. Of course there was a fairly long lead-in period so that it was never going to be an enormous surprise, but still it's a nice relief to get that off my chest (still AA cup *lol*). Oh, and I did remember to ask her; there was no girl's name selected before my birth. I think her main concern was that I don't rush into getting the chop and possibly end up regretting it. I explain that I didn't want SRS in the visible future and I was taking things slowly. I gave her the general outline I was looking at electrolysis after the Roaccutane treatment is finished, and then maybe some cosmetic surgery, voice training and so on… nothing too permanent…
11:30 pm - So there you have it, I can say that I've come out to my mother at least and it's turned out alright. :) I know this won't make a great difference to my life as it is, but it's nice to be able to be more truthful and hopefully have another understanding ear if I need it.
So, after dinner I crashed out, watched some documentaries and then at 10:00 pm watched the new Dilbert cartoon. It was really, really funny (IMHO), at several parts I was laughing with tears in my eyes, it was so hilarious. So a few more news bulletins and with nothing much else left on TV tonight, here I am.
Interesting how my first remembrances of real gender issues in regards to my family over 14 years ago should finally start to solidify as sincere dialog today. I remember distinctly in about year 5 being in the Doctor's surgery with my Mum and the Doctor asking me why I chewed my nails so badly. I knew my reason was that "Only girls have long fingernails, and so I'm not supposed to have them." Jeeze, even then I was conforming to societies pressure on me. But I told him I didn't know why and eventually I was weaned off biting my fingernails. Of course, I had thought of the joys of cross-dressing since year 2 when the classroom has a "dress-up" box, but I never dared to use it. I remember enjoying the game in the same year on sports day, where you were in a relay team and you had to put on an old dress and run to a point and eat some chocolate using a knife and fork and run back again… ahhh… getting to wear a frock and able to get away with it *lol* those were the days, I must have been all 7 years old. Not long after that I went on my anti-girl phase, it was probably denial or more likely just plain jealousy… *sigh*
Funny how this part of me, for so long it's been a dark unseen force moving silently below the waters of my sub-conscious… I mean, I knew what I enjoyed doing, projecting a female persona, but it took a long time and a lot of backward steps before I was mature enough to explore this shapeless form inside of me and discover what it really looked like… and in the end it pretty much looked like a female version of myself… I suppose I really had to "find" who I was, before I could discover exactly who "she" was… or perhaps, divining my true nature caused her to be revealed… I think the best analogy is when you dig a deep hole, the dirt you dig out piles up into a hill. So digging through the refuse of my psyche threw up the factors which helped define and crystallize her… I'm stepping into weird territory, where even I'm not sure what I mean, but maybe it will make more sense later… maybe the nature of the male and the female in me is becoming more pronounced? Perhaps that is what I am discovering?
I definitely need to do more digging, neither shard of my personality is yet complete, and they probably never will be, but I am making progress…
I got a group email from Michelle today, it was reasonably long and detailed what she had been up to for her birthday and what she had been up to in Melbourne and Sydney…
Tomorrow I begin the big pack, it doesn't really seem like a full week has passed, it hasn't yet, but it is rapidly approaching… I'm not sure whether I have achieved my desired rest and relaxation whilst at home, I'm hoping I don't need a holiday to recover from my holiday… *lol*
Jen will get back into Canberra on Saturday also, I wonder if there might be the remote chance of coffee? No email from her in about 3 or 4 weeks, but I suppose this is a good time to have patience… *sigh* maybe I've "put her on a pedestal" and she ran screaming? I hope not, I really like Jen and have a lot of time for her… now if only the reverse was true… :(
I'm currently trying to remember whether I sent Mrs D**** the email I was supposed to. With all the running around and stress this afternoon I can't recall… I'm not going to have enough Roaccutane to last me until I get back to Uni. I only have three tablets left… I guess if I fall back to one at breakfast and dinner I can keep the blood serum levels of isotretinoin at a more constant level than going cold turkey… I thought I had enough so I didn't bring my prescriptions… I also need to buy up on the Androcur also, I down to a few days worth there also… about the only thing I have an abundance of is vitamin C and I don't think that it's so great for suppressing the effects of testosterone… *lol* I wonder what mail I might have waiting at the front desk? Hopefully nothing with an enormous R**** Hurst stamped on the front…
Okkie, it's after midnight and I'm pretty wasted.. time for me to hit the hay after a rather interesting day… Ciao… :)