Hmmm… 11:30 pm and I'm not too tired. Must have been the nap between 6:30 pm and 8:30 pm. I like naps. ;) Okkie, today. Got up late with a bit of a sore head after last night. I got into the lab about 10:30 am and got to work. Because I put so many on yesterday I didn't really know where to start. But I got into it fairly quickly because I wanted to watch a documentary on SBS at 12:30 pm. I got back to the SCR in time and it was OK. It was part 2 of 2 dealing with three young FtM tranny's. It was quite informative but naturally I would have wished that I had seen the previous part which dealt with MtF apparently. After that I kicked on back over to the lab and did a fair bit of work. One reaction had only partially worked which was encouraging, and another one had worked in over 75% yield! Cool!
I got an email from Illara which was nice, I will have to craft a reply when I have a moment. I also got the interview questions from Quirk which will require some thinking about.
The last two I had to leave and I set up another before I left at about 3:30 pm. I came back home and changes and cycled into Civic to meet Peta for coffee.
She was running late after a busy day and a rather exhausting game of touch football the previous afternoon. I was feeling a bit flat after Valete, but it was fine. I really should choose an outside table for once since it's difficult to talk inside when it's crowded. But we had quite a good chat covering most everything. Two coffee's each and some food later we were quite satisfied. Between the two of us, things are definitely moving. The future looks good and for the moment the road appears reasonably clear.
After I wished her farewell I went shopping. I am desperately low on food and I bought cereal and the usual stuff. I was relishing the stares, and would love to get a pair of mirrors on my sunnies so I can see behind me at people. *s* In fact, I was sitting in Essen with Peta and a woman (she seemed slightly not quite with it) was staring at me. Not a problem, but she was barely a meter away. When I noticed, I turned to look in her eyes and said "Yes?" and she turned away…
So I came home from the shopping and dumped everything. Jules came by, and after that I had a snooze. Woke up at 8:30 pm and went to the lab to turn off a reaction and came home. Chatted with Anthony about maybe moving into the possibly spare spot in their theoretical house. Then watched Jules play computer games and after Susan had come home from work chatted with her and then came down here.
All in all, this week has been as positive as last week was horrid.

I can't face the prospect of the masculinization of my body. This I know. But does this necessarily mean I want to be female? [pause] Yes. Ideally my body would be female but that can't be. Puberty for me was reasonably late (~15 years old) and so that means I now have about 9 or so years of testosterone damage. I know I have these feelings, but they are swimming around at the very lowest levels of my psyche. I know I would come to the eventual conclusion (perhaps) in the future anyway, but I know without knowing why things should be. For example, I find the symmetry of certain molecules beautiful. Why should I find symmetry beautiful as opposed to chaos? I don't know, I just know. It's the same with my body. I know what I do not like, and I know what I do like. It's such a simple question that the answer is so difficult to put into words. Life is precious. Why? It just is.
I can't specifically say why I need a female body (well that's not really true), but I just know that I need to stop the damage and move to be what I know I need to be. The absolute reasons for my transsexualism is swimming around like a leviathan deep within the waters of my id. I can't access it directly, but it is there and it makes it's presence felt.

"The Pisceans torrent of emotion is so deep and strong that he himself may be confused and tormented by it." That's how I feel a lot of the time. I have all these things I wish to express, but not the talent or the means to bring them out. I spent 5 minutes in Essen with Peta trying to express myself, and just kept grabbing at the air because I couldn't find the words to express myself. I'm also wary of unloading my emotional stuff on people who are close to me. I feel I'll either overwhelm them or just frightening them. I don't really need help to deal with my emotions, but I need to express them somehow.
"The Piscean does not lack ideas, but sorting the wheat from the chaff will present grate problems. Many of his ideas will be quite impracticable and someone will have, delicately, to point this out to him. 'Ha!' he will say blandly, 'I'd not thought of it in that way. Of course you are right.' "
God, that's my life in a nutshell. It's why I can't play chess worth a damn. Any strategy I develop always has a gaping hole in it which I've completely overlooked. I need friends to discuss stuff with, lest I go off on some half-baked idea which I haven't properly thought out. Importantly for me, I do not believe that this pertains to the hormones. Like I expressed above, I know what I do not want to be and have made my decisions and am happy with them. But other plans I should always try to get level headed opinions on. Sometimes I come up with relatively good plans like paying Johns off early, and other times they are so incredibly half-baked it's not funny. For me the fine line between reality and imagination is often very, very blurred, and the laws of cause and effect are not always appreciated as they should be.

Why don't I cry? Why don't I get depressed much? In theory I should be a perfect candidate for both. I haven't cried in possibly 18 months or more and depression isn't that bad either and is usually only fleeting and then I snap myself out of it.

I can't believe it. Michelle is going in for possibly the most major surgery of her life. It seems so far away, like it's not really happening at all. Then on the other hand I'm really terrified. Unnecessarily so, but maybe that's a normal reaction? Perhaps it's because SRS is a MAJOR event and it's happening to somebody quite close to me.

Phew, how about that for some spontaneous writing?! I guess I have more issues to deal with than I like to admit. Ok, it's now 12:55 am, and I may being heading off to Bateman's Bay tomorrow, I need to get some sleep.