10:45 pm - What is love? It's familiarity really.
I remember being primary school age and always hiding my genitalia when I got out of the shower at home because of the enormous mirror that was in the bathroom. I used to fantasize that there was some force (G-Force often, I don't know why) watching me and I wasn't going to give away what sex I was.
I've got another appointment with Dr S***** on Friday at 5:00 pm to get my scripts refilled, to ask for a boost on my estrogen and to enquire about progesterone. I always seem to book my appointments for Friday. One of the main reasons I think is because I want to present well for the doctor. I'm not saying it's necessary, but I want him to see that I am making an effort to slowly transition and that my case is continuing and of a serious nature. I would have a hard time just in my own mind asking for an increase in my estrogen with a week's growth and looking scruffy and unkempt. Hence, since I like to be fuzz-free for the weekend coupled with the fact that I often get my hair blow-waved on Friday to also look good for the week-end, Friday's are usually the day I pick for Doctor's appointments. Vain? Unrealistic? Perhaps, but it seems logical at the time.
The tuck. A tranny's best (pre-orchiectomy) friend. I discovered the concept during honors in 1996. I find it hard to believe the concept hadn't come up before. Up go the testosterone factories and away goes the rest. I've always found it slightly painful, not too bad but enough to be noticed.
I sent an email to coastal Peta this evening from the lab. It was really nice to see and chat to her again as I didn't get much of a chance at the Ball. Her nose looks quite natural, I wouldn't have known she had just had it done if she hadn't mentioned. She will back in Canberra this weekend, but it seems we both have busy social calendars and probably won't get a change to meet up.
I'm looking at the photo on my student card which was taken in March. Dammit, I just can't figure out what's happening to my face. Roaccutane to one side only causes the peeling and redness, but there is definitely something going on underneath, it's something I used to be able to see, in that I could identify why I didn't look like I used to. Now however, the mental picture I had of my face for so long is a "beginning to fade" memory. I am struggling (with my shocking memory (thanks for the genes mum *s*) to remember what I used to look like, just the subtle details which are important to the eye. Not that I'm too fussed, it's helping to shrug off the societal image of the person I used to have to be as I become the person I always was. I can't remember where I read it, but I think the quote was "The woman I am becoming is someone strangely like myself."
I finally found a nice photo of Michelle and myself on Szusza's web site. Unfortunately the scan is very poor and I'd like to get a copy of the original.
Michelle wrote up her experience with GRS, and it was interesting. Not in that there was anything amazingly new, because I've read many accounts of GRS before, but more because it was someone whom I was close to.
Interested though I am in other people's personal time-tables (C'mon, we all have them) I would feel slightly uneasy in asking someone when they would plan to get their GRS done, because if they were uncertain I would feel like I was pushing them into making a hasty decision to satisfy my curiosity.
Post shower thoughts - Everything that is not identical is connected. That is, if A=B and B=C then A and C are the two things and B is the connector or line between them. Why this thought? Don't know. I was thinking of the slide from maleness (A) to femaleness (C) with the gradual passing through of an androgynous phase (B). Therefore A and C are the points, with the B point connecting them. That is a simple case, and you may have other more complicated scenarios with extra intermediate points, but I think this can be applied to many social situations, but only if you accept the concept of bipolar gender, that there must be an absolute divide and separation between the two. Thinking of it now, I know it to be an infinite shade of grey. Still, between two points on that sliding scale, and presuming that you are moving from one to the other, then there is that transient B period. Yeah, yeah whatever… ;)
Many of the great problems of the world can be temporarily but effectively ignored by eating fresh cold strawberries… Mmmm…
I just ate three, I didn't want to, but the voice which speaks to me from the shoe box under my bed told me too. *g* Speaking of which, over the last few nights my dreams have been getting WAY too literal. I dreamt I worked up my ADAM reactions, but I woke up groggily and thought, "That can't be right, they're still in the refrigerator…" I think I need to take a break and get my mind off work for a bit. Of course Xmas is coming up, and with my supervisor getting back in 5 days after that I think things should get more quiet. Quiet that is except for the enormous pile of orange folders full of characterization data staring at the middle of my back from across the room. Oh grrl that's going to be fun to input. Thank heavens for soothing long mixes of Dream/Epic Techno, I'm going to need it along with a massage or two.
Oh, and before it turns over to midnight, today was "A day that will live on in infamy". Pearl Harbor was 58 years ago. Of course now we know that the American government knew it was about to happen from the broken Japanese codes, but needed a legitimate excuse to get involved to prevent further Japanese expansion throughout out the already mostly conquered Asia and to defeat the Nazi's in Europe.
Peta (Canberran) is quite knowledgeable in these areas and I'm sure this would prompt a brisk discussion. ;) We had a discussion of the comparison of the era immediately preceding WWI and the post WWII atomic weapons age where the Generals on both sides did not understand the immense destructive power which technology had brought them. Fortunately humanity seems for the moment to have avoided nuclear exchange. I say fortunately because can you imagine how hard it would be to get good GRS in the post-nuclear holocaust. ;)
Hmmm… what else, Ok work. Nothing exciting, worked up the ADAM reactions to obtain nothing for one and unreacted starting materials for the other. All is not yet lost as I have yet to exactly repeat the original reaction for various reasons. Still, I now know not to try and store the reaction intermediates overnight it seems. I ran as many IR experiments as I could, but I will have to press 3 KBr discs which will really suck and be generally time consuming. I also put on #24 this time remembering to add a pinch of Copper Iodide catalyst. That will come off tomorrow. Very unmotivated in the afternoon, and came home at ~5:15 pm for food and a nap. Watched a little bit of TV and jogged back over for another 13C NMR. Did a bit of jogging whilst that warmed up, sent an email to Peta (coastal) and then came home. I still need to make a hair appointment for Friday.
I found the compound I was looking for a while back in an obscure catalog. The price? A measly $56.50 a gram. Try and think of what costs $56.50 a gram. Gold and Platinum only cost a measly ~$13 / gram, and I don't know what the weight to price ratio for gems are, but ouch that's expensive. Still, considering that it is about a day's wage for me, if it saves me a day making it then it has paid off buying it. I will search around to confirm and also to see if anyone else sells it cheaper, but it may be the necessary thing given that I have not yet been able to repeat my ADAM experiment. I will try the original method tomorrow and we shall see what we shall see… *begin ominous music*
*lol* I was lying on my bed earlier, and you can see the hair-bun impression I left on the pillow. *g* Right now, I think I'd get my head shaved if someone paid me say ~$80,000 or more. I figure $80,000 is a trip to Oustehout with all expenses paid, plus surgery and expenses with Haerscht and a little on the side to keep me in business for recovery and beyond. Now are their any rich weirdoes out there going to make me an offer I can't refuse? *g*
Ok, I think I've done enough of the old spontaneous writing, I guess that's what happens when I go for a jog, all the neurons get giggled up and who knows what I'll start thinking of. My goodness, this is now a 4 page diary entry!! Of course that's only 1617 words so far, but I blow everything up to 16 font to save my eyesight. Considering how blind I was before, it's a miraculous improvement, but it would still be considered reasonably average. Funny thing is that my drivers license still has that I require glasses even though I've read their letter sheet eye-test thing time and time again since the operation. When you consider that that op was ~$4000 it's reasonably in the middle of the range as cosmetic surgery. Still, even two years after the event, I am really thankfully for having got it done. The ongoing costs of glasses and contact lenses and their inconvenience have been more than compensated for.
That's what I was thinking of on the way to the shower. Do my breasts stick out? How noticeable are the changes to my features in people I see every two or three days? Am I actually capable of being stimulated anymore? Occasionally I just get a lot of questions which I want to get answered with complete honesty by someone who can be objective. Hmmm… I'll ask someone one day…
Okkie, way overdue for napping, I'm trying to start the days earlier to avoid the late afternoon heat. Like jogging this is something new, so we'll see how it turns out.
Bugger that was a long diary entry!
Oh yeah, that was the other thing, I seem to be bleeding more than ever before these days. When my Doc put me on Roaccutane, I don't recall him mentioning that I'd be having a period for about 6 months or so… *sigh*