I am now daughter, once I was son.
On a path slowly moving, barely begun.
Against myself for so long having fought,
The struggle, denial at last all for naught.
No words can explain, no action define,
To live and be happy, I cross that line.
For this is truly what I must do,
To love myself as much as you.
I know it probably sounds really sucky, but I'm far from being a poet, but I hope you can see what I'm trying to get at. Whilst lying in bed with whatever random thought being taken in and rolled around my mind like so many errant marbles, I even considered the concept of telling my dad. I'm not sure what his reaction would be, he's more introspective than I give him credit for, and so I don't know what he would say. I guess he probably wouldn't say very much. I've already stirred the pot sufficiently with the first name change and just with being "different" in other ways. Then to top it off is the facial changes which can't be hidden and which I do not wish to hide. I'm proud of what I am becoming, and I will take no shame in it. I am a self-sufficient adult and he doesn't have much choice but to accept my decision, of course that doesn't mean he will necessarily like it. When I was 3 or 4 I used to hide or throw out Dad's cigarettes, I knew they were evil and would very likely kill him. Mum had to talk me out of it and I never asked him not to smoke. I don't know, if he wants to do that then in theory he should respect my right to do with my body what I have to do. Of course it's a rather long draw of the bow between smoking and transsexuality, but I hope that you (dear reader) can see my point.
Today… another 8 hours or so in the lab, interrupted by a last lunch with Red. Damn I'm going to miss her. :( My ADAM reaction didn't work (note - try cold DME) and 4 other compounds are looking strange. In theory I should be back running KBr discs, but I don't think I could hack that.
Red called at 8:00 pm and said "Blair Witch Project" was on. It was raining and when I got there, it was sold out and I was soggy and not impressed. So we went and saw the new Bond flick instead which was cool. We walked over and chatted until she got picked up by her Mum and I came home ~11:45 pm.
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'll be able to sleep again tonight. Sure the weather is much cooler, but I can't seem to do it. I get tired from the heat, and so in the quiet of the night I am very awake. However, my internal body clock appears to be changing in that I need the sunlight. The dark I don't mind, I often find myself looking forward to the day. I also need to go shopping, I just don't have enough tops I like to wear about the place, any all the others are jerseys. I'm starting to go off the jerseys a little, tonight I didn't want to wear one with my new pants, because it was like combining my old boi wardrobe with a fresh, newly started femme/androgynous wardrobe. In the end I did, simply because I couldn't find a top I like enough, and the blue favourite was dirty.
There was a really cool storm today, the rain was absolutely pelting down. I remember the last time that that happened was about this time last year as I cycle through Civic to return some videos. I was reveling in it then when I was out in it, but today with work to be done I was happy to watch from the window, though part of me wanted to run amok in the rain. I remember one time at school, maybe Year 12 when there was a huge storm late one night, I snuck out and just reveled in the rain and thunder. I'm pretty sure someone saw me out there, but my care factor was pretty low.
Oh school, how many incidents and other indescribable things happened there. Some I will never commit to paper and still give me gut twitching to this day. Oh the school reunion is going to be so very, very interesting if I'm in the country. Mind you, I was never actually caught in that sense, but… oh hang on, that's not true, Year 10 I forgot, but that was a relatively minor incident… oh and then there was that time in Year 11 I think, hmmm… then almost that time in the college theatre… Ok so they're starting to add up I admit, but I never actually got the big stick waved at me. Of course there was that time in Religion in Year 12 when without realizing it, I was in class and having a blazing row with the teacher's view that there were specific male and female traits and I said that's crap. Without knowing it I was angrily fighting the bipolar gender perception. Oh and a fun one was year 8 Latin class when the teacher was describing the use of gender and as an example pointed at me and said "You're a girl aren't you!?" To which everyone laughed and to which I just smiled and sort of glowed a little bit extra deep inside. :)
I'm chatting to Michelle on ICQ, but it'll be bedtimes soon.
Wow, a 3 pager tonight!? Last night's spontaneous mental ramblings were impressive in their length I admit. Tonight's will hopefully be shorter.
I booked by hair appointment today for Friday at 3:00 pm, that should be plenty of time to get back for my Doctors appointment. After that I don't know. Friday's are usually pretty chronically moody for me judging from the last few diary entries. I'm at home with little to do and that tends to bug me a lot and so I pour out my ruptured spleen onto the paper.
Heather's 21st is on this weekend, I won't be going but I'm told that Susan will be. Red mentioned that Gidget had been in a car crash down in Victoria but that she was Ok.
Just wrapping up ICQ with Michelle, looks like another night of staring at the ceiling…