Hey all, sorry just feeling a little bit fuzzy-headed ;) so who knows where this entry will end up.
Today was reasonably unexciting, woke up and did very little for the majority of the morning. The college internet connection was down (and still is) and so I was rather bored. I cycled over to the lab just to check email and get a copy of the report I was to present Monday morning. That still needs to be worked on, but since I did a fair bit of work Friday on it, Sunday shouldn't be too hectic.
I went past the little supermarket and got a loaf of bread (no jug of wine *g*) and so on. I was dressed my usual femmy Saturday morning self but it was quiet so no problem there anyway. I didn't do very much for the rest of day till about 3:30 pm when I figured I was sick of sitting in my room, and decided to go to the Botanical Gardens with my CD player. However after finding a drawer full of flat batteries I went into Civic instead. I went for a browse and then a shop at Target and bought a new shirt and some 3/4 length pants. I came back near the corner where Red gets picked up (can't remember it's name), and I sat down for a second to change the CD, when who should walk by, but Andrew Tye! We had a great old chat, it was really nice talking to him one-on-one again, I'm pretty sure he has heard from someone that I'm T* (the world's worst kept secret *lol*) because I was looking about as femme as I get without make-up these days. But it was really good conversation, it's nice to see how people are when you get them away from others and talk to them, they don't have to worry about others interjecting or saying something the third person isn't supposed to know.
He had to head off after about 40 minutes, and I walked back to John's. I had smothered a heap of 30+ sunscreen on, so thankfully I wasn't too baked. I went to the lab at 6:00 pm to weigh out some samples but came home a bit later. I was feeling quite bored and just wanted to get out so I went for a walk, and that was nice. I suppose I should be appreciating how quiet the ANU is at this time of year. I came back and wrote a quick little essay on loneliness and the dark, which I thought was unusually poetic for me, and now here I am!
I don't know what I'll get up to tonight, half of me is daring me to go over to the Meridian. I figure that as a member I have free entry and who knows, I may even see someone I know. Good heavens, am I that desperate for company?! *g*
Nothing new here, but gee I like how I look these days. :) Ok, that's not a news-flash I know, but it's nice to have a face that matches the inside bits as well. Yeah, I'm tall and I have big hands, but I'll get over it. At least I can finally say I like my appearance.
I had a chat with Anthony on Friday night, apparently he has a new job at the University of Canberra and was very happy with that. I think Lloyd may have also gotten his house as well, so they have a place to live and money to pay for it which is good. I also saw Emma today, though that was a quick shouted conversation from the window of the laboratory. Hmmm… I have to admit, that side by side, she and I aren't that different. Tall, small breasted, not fantastically gorgeous but nice (IMHO) and of course both intellectuals. *s* Maybe she and I should go on double dates together! ;) (Yuck, another Americanism term). I know however of what someone once talked about how although they were a gorgeous perfectly passing tranny, how they still felt inferior next to a very average woman. Walking through Garema Place and observing the females as they went about their business, I was filled with a dozen mixed emotions. Mostly jealousy and a little sadness. My life will be rich, but if I aspire to be a woman, than I don't think it can ever be totally fulfilled. If one looks at it from another direction though, if I aspire to be a truly fulfilled (whatever that means) transgendered woman, then that's much more possible.
It's kinda weird, many women aspire to be the supermodel epitomized concept of female beauty, while ultimately tranny's aspire to be the most common of all things womanly, just being a woman.
But that's the thing, it can't ever be, and aspiring to that unachievable goal will only lead to further pain. But to aspire to be a "true" (?) transgendered woman can lead into new areas of discovery, and happiness?
But do most Tranny's want to live as women? Or just live? I am thinking that "living as a woman" implies more about stereotypes than anything real. It seems to be more about expected modes and styles of habit and dress rather than just be yourself.
Bah, this whole area is fluff, of no possible use to life or it's living.
If I were to go out to the Med, it would be to hopefully find company. Perhaps I need to treat the underlying disease which causes the symptoms of this aloneness. But I already know what it is, increasing isolation; physical, social and personal.
I do hope Jules's will ring tomorrow so that we can do coffee. Ordinarily I would ring him, but because he hasn't seen his Mum in many months, I feel unwilling to intrude. On the other hand, knowing Jules I probably should make it known I am hoping to be granted an audience. *lol* I'll call midday tomorrow. *g*

I like my hair. :)

The places my mind goes when I let it are truly bizarre. I don't think I'll ever look at brushing my teeth in the same way ever again.

11:15 pm - Speaking of bizarre places to go, I just got back from the lab. I needed a walk and I wanted to check my email so I figured what the heck. I ended up lying on one of the benches, crashed out listening to surprisingly good music on the radio. On one side I was staring out the windows at trees shaking in the wind, and on the other my dear fume cupboard. I really have become so accustomed to it and it's eccentricities, like the abrupt drops in water pressure and knowing just how to get a good flow of dry nitrogen. Ahhh… I am a chemist at heart aren't I. :)
I was walking back and laughed at the thought of an evil-foreboding-presence-which-lurks-in-the-bushes™, now also online at www.evilforebodingpresencewhichlurksinthebushes.com. *lol* I thought that was pretty funny. ;)
I really do feel at home in the lab which might be a scary concept to some people. But my little room is just four walls and that's it, no study or ensuite or kitchen, just a rectangular box. I have to admit, it's one of the bigger boxes I've lived in, but there's not far you can go in it. The lab I think means another place where I can go where it can be quiet, relatively comfortable, I can have internet and music or just stare out the window. Places of perfect security seem to be rare, I have my room, the lab and home. But at least I have those. :)
Ah, home. It's exactly 2 weeks to Xmas, and I guess I would be thinking about heading home say… hmmm… maybe between the 20th and the 23rd of December. Given the fact I will be here and staying on after New Years Eve, I may take the few extra days before Xmas. I admit I did take the week off in September, but given the fact we're supposed to get (I think) 4 weeks of holidays a year, I don't think I'm being too selfish. I think it'll help a lot to remove the stress from a very eventful year and to have time to recuperate for the next one.
I'm pretty sure the changes happening around my face are due to the changes in the fat layers under the skin. Bone and muscle changes would take much longer if at all. I'm getting a "softer" look I think. I've been staring at the photo of Joe and I, and I just keep going "no way". In this photo, not only do I have arm and chest hair, but a goatee to boot! I have to admit (IMHO) I look rather dashing, but those days are behind me now.

1:50 am - Hmmm… well past bed time for this young thing I think…